The Paz Daddy Show!!

giving a quick shout out, i'm NOT dead yet.

2012-01-28T01:15:00.000-05:00

alive and well.

you know, i've always been someone that has expressed his feelings no matter how embarrassing or fucked up it may sound but fuck it... i'ma talk.

okay, i'm insecure about my looks. you know, speaking for myself, i actually look in the mirror and check myself out. there's times when i feel i look good but when i take a picture of myself on the webcam or my brother's digital camera that's sitting right by my ps3, i get horrified and disgusted at how ugly i look. i look like jay-z. big ass lips, nose looking kind of big too, my forehead looks small and i look all disfigured and shit. then i look at photos of models and other people that others find attractive and i get jealous. like goddamn, how could i be this ugly? i didn't look bad as a kid or in my teenage years but when i was getting into my 20s, i got really ugly. i already didn't think too highly of myself to begin with. i felt like i was stupid because i didn't know much even though my ego made me feel like i did. hell, it was my way of surviving or dealing with the fact that i felt i was stupid. then there was the fact that others perceived me as different and i guess my insecurities pick up on that instead of ignoring them and go about my way. now i'm exercising that option even though it's a bit difficult and i wish i did that when i was in high school and when i was younger but now, it's a habit. i've grown accustomed to being self conscious and worrying about what others say or think about me.

you know, i put my photo up on some web forums and you know, i guess other people do agree with me. one person thought i was hideous. some other people tried to do some pity shit where they knew i wasn't good looking but said some shit to make me not feel as bad as i already did because they must have been like "it sucks to have your face". either that or they're being real cool. but then again, their opinions about me really aren't shit compared to how i feel about myself and yes, i hate myself. i don't want to die but i still am not my biggest fan. i'll survive though. unless something happens to me where someone kills me or i get ran over by a car or something, i'll still be here sad as hell wondering why the fuck am i going through this shit?

you know something. i find myself to be my biggest enemy and i've always have been. there's certain things that are happening in my life right now which are stressing me out and the fear is pretty much killing me. the past 7 years of this blog, the main theme is me crying while running away from my life. instead of choosing to deal with these matters and get them out the way, i've selected to say fuck it and run. i've said things about how i would drive far away from here and live in a new town to do whatever i want to do. i've said things where i would kill myself to get out of some shit and other things that involve ducking, hiding, and backing down away from shit. but now at this point and time as well as the past few moments since i've been out of school and have had time to think about my life, my feet is tired from running so damn much. I'M TIRED. it's gotten to the point where i'm starting to ask myself what or who am i running from and where the hell am i running to? my issues will follow me whether i choose to run away or not. i know i'm the problem so what sense would it make. the problem i have will just be in the woods with me. i've been thinking of ways to deal with them. i've gone to seek help to help me learn how to not run away from shit and how to deal with them even if i don't want or like the effects that will happen in doing so. it's been REALLY difficult but i'm happy in knowing that i have the balls to actually say "fuck this, i actually took a step to change my life". at the end of the day, i'll survive. i may be alone on this shit but i'll survive. i can't do nothing but that. i feel that looking at other people who been in the same shit or worse than me actually inspired me. the other thing that also inspired me is the fact that sooner or later, i was going to be confronted with this matter. i had NO choice yo. it was like i may have dodged a few bullets but fuck it, i was going to get shot because i knew what the time was so it was time to seek help. i would have went about it on my own and i've tried to talk to people on the web about it BUT i also needed to get myself involved with other people outside the computer so hey... i'm doing that right now.

i don't know about the future but at the same time, i hope that i won't feel like this in the near future. i guess age is kicking in because i'm beginning to see that there's no point in hurting someone or even being mad with someone over some bullshit. before i was that mad where i pretty much felt like i could kill somebody and live with that. nowadays, it's different. i just can't bring myself to be mad to the point where i want to hurt somebody. i know better. you know, i'm starting to realize that life isn't as bad as i made it out to seem and that everything's all good. everything's all love.

as for relationships, fucking and all, it's all good. see, another thing that has happened in concerned with me running away from shit is that i don't look at love as a fucking first priority anymore. it's more like "i'm not jumping into some shit to impress those around me". i wouldn't be happy in doing so anyway. that's not what i want to do. i'm fine the way i am and like i said, i'll survive.

january 1st and i happen to be home on the computer.

2012-01-01T01:19:00.000-05:00

alright, happy new years or whatever the fuck. really don't care too much to say that shit.

first off, i really don't feel like one of those happy go lucky dudes where since the ball dropped, i'm going to be like "i love you, i love everybody". man, trill talk, fuck that shit. nothing changed. just the time of day. if you were the same person yesterday, you are the same person today. my problems didn't change, i didn't change. it's just the time.

i can't do anything this year but even if i did, i don't see why people try to make new year's out to be something special. why do people wait for new years to start saying "i'm happy to be seeing another year"? no, you should be saying that shit every single time you wake up in the morning. you shouldn't wait to say "i love you" or wait to save your money up or even wait to formulate your plans to do something to help yourself. that's why i said FUCK A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION. if you really want to do it, you'll do it. you won't wait for january 1st to get busy doing what you have to do. if you're ambitious enough, you'll get started right away with it.

i had a drink of jack daniels and you know what, i was going to drink another but fuck that. i was like "hell naw, i'm good". i don't need to over do it. thinking about my L-I-F-E now. it brings me back to where i'm at, where i want to be, and where my head is at. the past few months, i've been thinking about who i am and where i am headed down the road. the thing that scares me is the future because as the days go by, it's coming up to decision time. i know what's coming. i know what's going to happen, the things that i have to do. i know what i have to do. 6 years ago, i didn't have a single idea but now i do. it's crazy because time is moving fast. very fast. before you know it, it's 2013. everybody is all anticipating the end of the world, well guess what? the world is NOT coming to an end. in fact, here's something i never understood. why would you want the world to end if you love life so much? why are you so eager to die? i mean... would people care if the world was going to end if they weren't going to die because that's what's going to happen. i find that very ironic and moronic. people basically talking about think positive, be happy that you're living and then turn around talking about "i'm waiting for judgement day", "i'm ready for the end of the world". fuck the end of the world. i HOPE that day NEVER comes. i don't WANT the world to end. shit, the world hasn't done shit to me for me to wish death on it. dayum, appreciate life, people.

well, with that said, i'm looking forward to a lot of shit this year and as for the things i have to do and will experience this year... i'm trying to be prepared for it but you can never prepare for what you do not know is coming. i hope that i will be around the same time next year to say that i'm happy that i lived through the whole 2012 but i do know that at this point forward, things will happen in my life. things that i know of and things that i don't know of and they will come and go. as time goes on, i'll blog about "life changes" and shit like that.

trill talk, haven't posted in a minute but fuck it.. had nothing to say but now i do

2011-12-19T23:57:00.000-05:00

you know something. this world isn't shit and the people in it ain't shit either. i don't care what ANYBODY says. there's not a person in this world that can convince me that there are good people on this earth. everybody is ugly. everybody is fucked up. you know, i think about everybody, from family, to my homeboys, to the people i come and contact with but everybody is the same. yeah, people will treat you nice if they know you, there are people that care about you but at the same time, everybody is human which means motherfuckers will build you up and at the same time, break you down. you put somebody up on your shoulders well at least in my case, you put somebody up on your shoulders, you tell them everybody, you expect them to have your back, you spill your guts to them and they fucking let you down. they tell you that everything is okay, they PRETEND to give a fuck or whatever and they only let you down so fuck everybody.

when i talk with people, i don't know if there's something wrong with me, i honestly get three types of responses, people that are willing to talk to me like i'm a human being, people that act like they don't want to have shit to do with you, and the people that you see them come and go. same shit, different day. you know it makes me upset and angry that for the past 25 years, i've been trying to be normal, trying to be a part of the human race and i feel like a fucking alien. i'm not bugging out when i say this shit. i feel like i don't belong. looking at myself, i am physically weird. the limbs known as my legs aren't like everybody elses, my fingers are extremely skinny, i don't think like the average person, i don't act like the average person, don't walk like the average person and etc. at an early age, i was TOLD that i wasn't normal so they sent me where all the fucking abnormal people go to-special ed. my reason for going to special ed was NOT because i was retarded or slow. it was basically i didn't know how to talk. something within me mentally or whatever, wouldn't allow me to talk or speak so i got help for that. when i was able to do my thing, i went to fucking school and once again i was reminded that i wasn't normal and these people really let it known to me that i wasn't and could never be a part of the group. i felt lonely, i felt isolated and the whole nine. i just wanted to be accepted and treated like everybody else BUT i got the fucking opposite of that shit.

as time went by and having people constantly treat me the same fucking way and shit, growing up, i soon grew angry with myself wondering what was wrong with me that made everybody hate me or loathe me so much or made me feel like nobody wanted to be bothered with me. that's how i felt though. it was like i was by my FUCKING self all these years even though i had family, i had friends here and there and even when i was alone. i just felt like i didn't fucking belong because i didn't have what it took to be with people. so now i grow up and i feel the same fucking way i did before and i still long to be accepted by society but i KNOW that i'll never will be regardless. in a sense that has made me accept myself and at the same time, that has made me a bit angry and hostile towards other people where i feel like i have the right to hurt them. i mean... regardless, why should i give a fuck about somebody who's going to shit on me anyway? why should i give a fuck about them? man.... see, the only reason why i haven't killed anybody is that i feel that it's kind of pointless in doing so because if i'm not going to kill one person. it would also be stupid too. i would probably kill somebody for looking at me funny or would shoot somebody for saying something about me or doing something what i perceive would be disrespect. you know, i would kill somebody over nothing and at the same time, would justify that nothing as something. that's scary if you think about it. i would rather not draw that type of attention on myself, you know.

but i feel like i'll never be accepted by my peers and whatever so FUCK EVERYBODY. even when i'm with my family, i feel like my family doesn't understand me or doesn't care. i talk to them, i care about them but they don't understand me and where the fuck i come from. same thing with my homeboys except my homeboys seem to at least try to understand where i'm coming. you know, otherwise, i'm on the dolo tip. i'm all by myself. it sucks, man. i really don't know and understand anymore. fuck it.

really????? really, breh??? really????

2011-11-29T14:56:00.002-05:00

this video gets the NEGRO PLEASE MOMENT OF THE DAY!!

today is a good day. sike, i lied. today ain't shit.

2011-11-24T19:24:00.000-05:00

neither was good or bad. haven't ate yet. ahowered just now and shit. about to eat, going to write in my journal, masturbate as well but honestly, i feel like doing something different. might watch wire episoeds all night or whatever.

i played some of my video games and they kind of are boring me right now. played midnight club los angeles and damn, i lost interest real quick playing that shit. real quick. same thing with tekken 6. i need some new games.

but with that said, there's nothing else left to say. don't feel like wilding out. i had a song in my head about the ice cream man or whatever sort of like some master p ice cream truck song parody. "bitch you already know what the fuck is up, slowing down, doing drive by's in an ice cream truck" that was one of the lines to the hook. just being silly. well, said enough and that's that.

i'll never stop choking my chicken even if it kills me

2011-11-23T18:00:00.001-05:00

because my heart is feeling kind of funny right now. i jerked off not too long ago. about 40 minutes ago. i was beating my meat for like 2 hours straight but i couldn't hold up an erection. it kept going down for whatever reason. i found myself yanking, yanking, yanking, looking at four pictures from my porn folder, and trying to get it up. eventually it came out after two hours, my nut that is. skeeted in a tissue. i decided to get something to eat from my fridge and now i'm feeling tired as fuck. i think it's due to the fact that i jerked off to hard. yo... i am feeling it. i am on my knees right now and i'm about to get up, get out and leave because i have nothing to do something real quick. i'll keep you updated on this shit. 1

been meaning to talk about these occupy wall street protesters for a minute.

2011-11-23T04:13:00.000-05:00

okay, so i went by the protest, hear about all this shit about wall street, occupying or whatever.

call me ignorant or whatever but i don't give a fuck. seriously, who gives a shit about what these people are protesting about.

this is what people don't understand. besides me wondering why certain people are even protesting to begin with when at the end of the day, they're pretty much are not in a bad position as they CLAIM they are. someone like me should be protesting. why the fuck is some girl from idaho coming over to new york when her ass has mommy and daddy holding THEM down, they'll be way more situated than i am right now protesting about shit for? she thinks she's making a difference or something. bitch please. you got these people that aren't even rock bottom yet, aren't even struggling or pretty much in some bullshit or protesting about the ills of society that have been around since way back thinking they're changing shit by marching in the streets, fighting police officers, and blocking traffic. yeah, they're changing things for people like me. trill talk, fuck them.

what annoys me about most of these people is that they really don't have an idea of what they're protesting about or if they do, i guess i feel that what they're doing is more of them having too much time on their hands, taking out their frustrations in the wrong places or pretty much whatever. it also is noteworthy that the people that are in charge of the damn occupy wall street shit are making MONEY off of sympathizers and shit. so basically, they're doing the same shit that they're protesting against. they know that shit won't change so why not take advantage of the people that are frustrated by organizing some shit like this and basically cause some trouble which basically won't change SHIT in the long run? so fuck those occupy wall street organizers too.

but besides that, society been fucked up and these people are just now waking up. i seen this one kid

here he is saying shit that has been going down since timbuck fucking tu. my guess is that he's a college student, probably born in 1990 nothing and isn't even in the situations that he's crying about. he probably isn't paying out the ass for gas when those gas prices were high as hell, he probbaly is living the good life BUT because he hears on the news about unemployment and xyz, he thinks that he's going to be in that boat so he thinks he's obliged to speak for those of us that are in that boat. at the end of this shit, his ass will pretty much be more well off than i will be at the moment.

most of these protesters are just people with too much time on their hands, posers trying to make a statement by standing up to the government basically having activism on their sleeve or whatever, you know, hipsters, and others. the people that should be protesting such as myself are in the minority and most of us don't feel obliged to do that shit because we know that at the end of the day, we're still in the fucking hole trying to get out. we're too busy worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow. we're worried about what's going to happen next. you know what i'm saying? protesting is nice when it's done effectively, organized and with a certain cause but this shit is just because the frustations of the last decade. if you ask me, this shit should have went down in 2001 or when shit hit rock bottom in 2007 but nah, people are just coming out of a rock and are starting to just wake up so i can't take these people seriously. i am all for a better america because there's way too much shit that's fucked up from the government to the minds of people but occupy wall street isn't it. it's just a huge ball of confusion full of people that really hold no weight either because they really have no business protesting because what's going on isn't really effecting them at all or they're just doing it to be cool.

talking about the 99%. i guarantee rockstar will be doing a parody of this shit in gta 5 and i hope they do too. this is ridiculous.

a little public service announcement from your fellow neighbor pazzy

2011-11-23T01:12:00.000-05:00

you know, i just want to say in the jist of things that there is one thing that you have to do right now. i'm only going to say this once and not again. you have to...

WORK THAT BACK, HO!!! WORK THAT, WORK THAT BACK, HO!!!
WORK THAT BACK, HO!!! WORK THAT, WORK THAT BACK, HO!!!
WORK THAT BACK, HO!!! WORK THAT, WORK THAT BACK, HO!!!
WORK THAT BACK, HO!!! WORK THAT, WORK THAT BACK, HO!!!
WORK THAT BACK, HO!!! WORK THAT, WORK THAT BACK, HO!!!
WORK THAT BACK, HO!!! WORK THAT, WORK THAT BACK, HO!!!

TWIRK IT OUT, WORK IT NOW, MAKE SURE YOU WORK IT NOW
TWIRK IT OUT, WORK IT NOW, MAKE SURE YOU WORK IT DOWN

bitch, stretch it out, let it out, until you feel your skeletal muscles break.
bitch, i said stretch it out until your body is fucked up and out of shape

BITCH, WORK THAT BACK!!! FUCK THAT SHIT!! I'M DONE!

man.... fuck the bullshit.

2011-11-21T12:38:00.000-05:00

irritated like a motherfucker right now.

all i need is somebody to piss me off and i will whip off on their ass. i'm just afraid that i might hurt one of my family members. funny how when i write on here, my nerves kind of get calm because a second ago. i was really itching to hurt somebody out of anger. for real, sometimes i feel like wrapping my hands around a motherfuckers neck and yo... let me stop. it goes beyond words. sometimes i get annoyed with motherfuckers to the point where i feel like shutting them up. you know on some real shit, if you start busting guns at motherfuckers and shit. people fall in line with quick. they shut the fuck up. they know they could get it and know shit is getting deep because their lives is on the line. if somebody is willing to try to throw some bullets at your ass, then you know they're not playing around. i don't feel like playing around with these motherfuckers anymore, man. i need to cop me a damn handgun, man. i'm tired of holding myself back. it's not working. i've tried and i'm tired now. fed up. fuck caring for these fuckers. i done enough. i'm through with talking.

SMH @ this professional troll @ work. haha.

2011-11-20T00:43:00.001-05:00

tired of my mom always trying to argue with me over something but not being able to stand up to the other two people in my household.

2011-11-15T16:29:00.001-05:00

for real, quit arguing with me over simple ass issues and stop talking to me about shit that you could tell your husband/my father and my brother acting like it's my fault for their shit. like yesterday, i had to hear her once again vent about my father doing this, my brother doing that, my grandparents and she all gets out her frustration by telling me about that shit and then has the fucking nerve to mix me into the equation as if i'm responsible for that shit. look, you get at them. address them. you have an issue with them. talk to them. stop getting me caught up in your little dramas you have going on. you're doing yoga, you're doing mediation, spirituality or whatever you're doing and see, it's NOT working because if it was, you would have washed your hands from all that shit and just focused on what you had to do. instead, you're still doing the same shit you did before and it's not like you're advancing. you know what your problems and issues are. i told you about my father/your husband and the shit he does. fuck it, you've had the okey dokey shit for fucking 20 years.

matter of fact, i'm getting tired of all these people trying to dump, project their problems and feelings unto me. i have ENOUGH shit on my plate to deal with. i don't feel like being a psychologist and having other people make me feel miserable. i thought about this shit when i was writing in my journal last night. i have these people that are assholes that i probably have every right to beat up, punch in the face, kick the living shit out of them, stomp them out and the whole nine trying to make their little issues MY issues. like at work, i had some people being absolute moronic jackasses trying to make my day rough. if that's one thing i can't stand, i HATE it when people try to make their problems other people's problems. like that upsets me. like what do i HAVE to do with your shit, fam? for real... whenever i see someone ice grilling me like this one fat opa lopa bitch that i seriously wanted to punch in the face for looking at me wrong like don't look at me like you want to fight because if you do, we're going to have problems. that's for all you people outthere. don't look at me wrong. if you mad, look at the wall or something. DON'T LOOK AT ME FUNNY OR I'MA FUCKING CONFRONT YOU OR YOU GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM LATER ON DOWN THE ROAD, SERIOUS. smile or something. if you mad, then look elsewhere and i'll mind my business with your shit as long as you mind yours. that's another thing, mind your motherfucking business too. for real, sometimes i feel like going off on these people that keep FUCKING with me and they think they have the right to do that shit. well, they don't and i'ma put the record straight since they got it all fucked up. but yo... i don't have any problems with anybody. i love everybody even though some of you people don't love me. i was going to say that i hope you die to those of you that don't love me but you know what, i love you. i'm going to take the higher road. don't make me do something that'll make you regret fucking with me. i will fucking hurt you. but anyways, i'm trying to be at peace. i'm happy right now. miserable people will try to make you feel miserable along with them. i know this very well because i've done this and do it from time to time. i'm a human being but some people think they're better than everybody where they can't admit that shit so fuck them. i don't fuck with them and they don't fuck with me. for real... i'm getting better at controlling myself but like what i was going to do before. i'm going to masturbate, get myself a haircut, go to the post office if it's still open and chill the fuck out. enjoy the rest of your day.

i've been real quiet with this blog as of late.

2011-11-10T02:27:00.000-05:00

that's because everything that i want to talk about or what i'm going through i'm most definitely not ready to share with this blog yet. not that i ever will, just not now. we're talking about some months, maybe some years before i'm willing to talk about what i've been willing to talk about. i will say that i'm talking to a few heads about it offline and other places i won't mention but i hope to share this shit on the blog in the near future or maybe even soon when i feel comfortable enough.

but as for life... i feel no particular way towards it right now. for the most part, things have been boring. pure boredom if you ask me. i watch tv, i do shit here and there, i work, i network, i pull strings, i'm trying to keep my ass grounded as in no more running around the room, tricking my mind into doing certain things. i still am a jerk off king and this chair that is containing the sweat from all my time vigorously masturbating must be funky. i get sad here and there, mad as well also happy but it's not enough to make me say that "i hate myself and i want to die". it's not like all those other times. in fact, i find myself just feeling like all that is bullshit now. everything is beginning to make a lot more sense, somewhat. a lot of these things aren't what they seem and to be real with you, i really don't care. i forgot to call my lady friend tonight because i've been busy. i'll call her later on today. my day is looking kind of hectic. i'm going to try to fit the gym in between there and get my cardio on. looking forward to masturbate all day long but i'm trying to get my hands on this damn porno that is hard to find.

heavy d died on tuesday. crazy isn't it? i was listening to his song that was produced by q-tip the other day that was released like 10 years ago. i remember hearing that shit around the first time i started to listen to hot 97 on a daily basis. i wasn't a huge fan of heavy d but shit... i heard his songs over there. i remember hearing that song he did with super cat on my mom's dub tape as a kid anyway. didn't know it was him but now i know.

i would talk about drake's new album, i heard it once and i deleted it. most definitely not my kind of shit. way too soft for me. i'm looking for some hard hitting, in your face, knock your lights out and shut the fuck up type of music. there hasn't been that much shit recently.

and amongst another thing i want to talk about. i decided to slowly back away from certain things. one being my clothing choice. i'm trying to man up my gear. you know, i can't dress all thuggish or ghetto all the time. i decided that i'm going to wear fitted jeans instead of baggy, dress up in grown up shirts and basically fall back from all the other things that i held on to as a teenager. i figured that i might as well do that being that i'm bored and i need a change away from the shit that i'm used to doing.

there's some much other shit that i can say but they're not important right now. i'm about to shut the fuck up, jerk off, write in my other journal then go to bed. 1

fucking weird ass nightmares

2011-10-28T13:33:00.000-04:00

alright, want to start by saying that i feel extra, extra, extra shitty, dirty, and i got this nasty ass phlegm in my throat. FAWK!!!! it's nasty as fuck. all in my esopagus and shit. i think i spelled that right. fuck spell check.

so i went to sleep last night playing musiq soulchild don't change "i'll love you when your hair turns grey girl...." i always play that shit for some reason even though i'll never be in that situation. yezzir but i had to pause my music for a second to keep on writing. i lost my concentration.

alright, so i fell asleep and i woke up somewhere. a damn train yard, an industrialized area. whatever it was, it was very familiar but it was basically a train yard or whatever. so i drove into the area, passed the train tracks that were always there and then i guess i pulled over. i don't remember if i was in a car or on a bike but i remember stopping close to the train tracks and i went over to this protest. what was it? i don't know what people were protesting over but i saw a bunch of signs plus on top of that people were trying to get their flea market shop on which was in close proximity to the train tracks. there were two of them followed by some another two that were further up which descended into a train tunnel. i was chilling right next to some fense where people had hung signs and were chilling right by there. my brother and my homeboys were there, wilding out protesting and the whole nine. next thing you know, i see a train and i tell my brother to stand in the middle away from the tracks. everybody got my warning so they did what i said and they avoided the conrail freight train that appeared the fuck out of nowhere. everything was going well despite the protest slowly and surely getting out of hand. i don't know what happened to make shit go weary but before i knew it shit got crazy. some huge fight broke out and i started running to where the action was. for some reason, i decided to check my pockets to see if i had my wallet. HUH!!! my wallet is missing. where the fuck did my wallet go? i looked around and i saw my brother with my wallet in my hand. he gave it to me and said this idiot that was rocking a best buy shirt tried to steal that shit. i saw him and i was about to fuck him up. i straight up charged at him and he was running around because besides me, there was like six people chasing him ready to bust his head open. i wanted to get him first and boy, i really wanted to kill that dude. i was real close to getting in my hands on him, just about itches away and that's when some police officer got inbetween him and me. i was pissed. that's when some of the protesters including my brother directed their wage from the would be thief to the police officer. motherfuckers were wilding out. there were some people that were chasing that kid away but dayum, shit was absolute chaos.

next thing you know, i blacked out and i end up chilling in i don't know. some hotel or some hospital room. i was laying in bed and had just awoken when i looked around to see where the fuck i was at. it was some nice place with a tv against the wall and some shelves. there was a certain to my left and a window that had no certain on it. it looked grey outside from what i could see. i don't know what it was but i see this indian woman that is dressed up in these robes, drapes and scarfs to my right cutting up plantains right in front of me. i was confused like where the fuck was i? who the fuck are you? i think i said something to her, she said something to me and i looked back to my life and i see two other indian guys dressed up in some colorful shirts with their shirts unbuttoned showing their chest. they were looking over at her and me and they said something. i looked back at her like what the fuck is going on here. i don't know what happened after that but i passed out again and woke up.

as for life, L-I-F-E S-U-C-k-S. i have to say this though. i'm all about revealing certain things on this blog but at this moment of time, i have something to say but i don't want to say it. i'll just keep it to myself at a later date. i'll talk when i'm ready to do it. just thinking about it has me feeling a bit down and sad. it's something that is very important though and even though it's not your business, i think you should know.

so for the next week and some days, i'm stuck with my father

2011-10-21T12:28:00.000-04:00

and i can already tell that him and me are going to have a fall out. so i was driving towards the airport to drop off my mom on her flight and he already was angry judging by his attitude this morning. so i'm driving and he's ready to do what he does best whenever me, my brother, or my mom is on the steering wheel. dude is all telling me where i should go, which lane i should turn in like i'm stupid or whatever. i was getting annoyed and mad like shut the fuck up. quit telling me how i should drive and where i should go. dude acts as if i never drove before. my mom pretty much defuse the situation with her presence. after we dropped her off though, that's when he decided to let his asshole personality all out.

i'm driving and dude's ready to tell me "don't go here, don't go there. if you go there they'll be traffic. it's best you go there". i'm like "dude, i know where i'm going. i know what i'm doing. i'm the one behind the wheel. shut up." i talk about a situation that happened to me yesterday where some dickhead was driving all crazy and nearly crashed into me and some other driver trying to get off the same exit i was about go come off of. i was just talking about what happened and like how he usually does as a way of telling me that he doesn't want to hear that shit. "you shouldn't worry about how people are driving. just focus on what you're doing". what the fuck does that have to do with what i'm talking about? whenever i just say something that happens to me on the street where i get annoyed with someone, his ass always does that bullshit. "you shouldn't worry about it". MAN, SHUT THE FUCK UP! CAN'T I FUCKING TALK? if you don't want to listen to me, you can give me the silent treatment like how you usually do with your fucked up ass anyway. don't expect me to give a fuck about what you have to say though thinking that your word is so special over mine thinking i'm going to give my undivided attention to you when i'm busy with something else.

then when i was driving down atlantic ave, some jeep decides to stop and i saw what was going on. i was tapping the break and his ass decides to get overdramatic and annoying with the "STOP, WE'RE GONNA CRASH. YOU ALMOST RAN INTO THAT DRIVER". i actually had my foot on the break, you dickhead. he always loves to do that shit. trying to make whoever behind the wheel like they don't know how to drive or make them feel unconfident or stupid when they're driving. at that point, i got extreme heated and i felt like dropping his ass off and pulling over and telling him to drive the fuck home because i didn't want to hear him, his bitching, or any of his goddamn annoying antics that he does trying to get under people's skin on purpose trying to make them out to be the ones that are fucked up when it's just him. i kept on driving and then once again, some bus driver decides to fucking do some bad driving and i'm pretty much focusing and this asshole decides to do the same bullshit he did about 3 lights ago. "YOU'RE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO THE CAR". no, you idiot. i saw the car. i saw that i had space. i knew what i was doing. i saw that there was no other cars besides the limo that was on the right of me that had stopped to let me go do what i do. this guy is talking about the blue car that was next to me in the next lane. THERE WAS NO BLUE CAR IN THE NEXT LANE, STOP LYING YOUR ASS OFF. dude went on to yell, scream at me, say that i'm driving terribly and the whole nine. i told him to shut up at the point and i was real close to kicking his ass out the car too. i didn't want to talk to him nor speak to him after he did that shit. don't fuck with me like that. you can do that to everybody else with your dickhead antics but don't fuck with me. you know, after today, i'm not driving behind the wheel with this asshole. he can't stand the fact i'm driving, i'm in control and his ass is in the passenger seat. he always has a problem with how i'm driving or he's trying to talk to me like i'm stupid so fuck him. he almost got me into an accident with the way he carries on. bad enough, i can't talk to him without him about anything without him trying to start an argument, trying to start me up and piss me off.

the fact that i'm stuck with him for a week annoys the hell out of me. and you know something, i seriously wonder what the hell my mom saw in him to stay with him for that long because i can't stand being around him for a good minute. he is a negative ball of energy that takes pride in being in control and putting down people like me driving. like i said, i believe he's a sociopath because he has all the symptoms. the type of guy that will fuck you over just to enjoy being in control and etc so i don't want to be bothered with him. not at all. i think i'm going to go to sleep for a minute or two. i'm tired.

felt so good an hour ago. where did the happiness and fun go?

2011-10-20T01:38:00.000-04:00

now i feel the seesaw going towards me being sad. i'm not even going to stay here. i feel like crying right now. amazing. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE CRYING?

what the fuck???? i don't know if it was the sugar from the fruit by the foot or because of something else BUT i feel sad right now. i was all good a second again and now, i feel sad.

funny how when the crash of my emotions went down, i thought about the sohh and how some of the idiots on that site try to do that online bullying bullshit like it's supposed to get to me and talk about "kill yourself". they could eat a dick. i feel sad right now and i'm about to call this shit a wrap. i was about to masturbate on this computer but i don't feel like doing that shit at all. i want to watch some wire episodes though.

people want to upset and make me mad all the time so when i end up angry and upset as hell, they wonder why

2011-10-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

SO FUCK EM!!!

you know... all my life, i've dealt with angry, miserable, upset, frustrated people that have done their best to make me feel the same way that they do. i was never born angry nor was i that way to begin with but as i grew up over time, people around me as well as myself really got to me to the point where i came in touch with emotions, feelings and thoughts that i thought i would never have or possess.

the thing that amazes me is that these same assholes and cunts spew their shit towards me and try to all threaten me or make me feel like i don't have the right to get mad with them back. like you pissed me off. for real, if i killed one of these shitheads that pissed me off, i would be in the court telling them straight up "they made me do it" because that's the truth. they made me do it. like i have issues. i've been learning how to deal with my shit for years and i have people trying to fuck with me still. it's a wonder how i haven't snapped and blew off one of these people's heads and i believe that i would be in the right in doing so because i'm tired of them and their fucking bullshit. i shoulda been killed one of these motherfuckers. and these people think i'm crazy for saying how i feel. of course i don't want to be violent but the fuck do you expect me to do if i feel that's the only option that i have. shoot somebody, stab them up, harm them or whatever, everyone takes notice and everyone stops and think like "damn, don't fuck with him because he will fuck you up". you get the message. people get the message when violence is used because it means you're telling people something. actions speaks louder than words.

it seems like i can't avoid these cunts. there's always someone that feels the need to push my buttons whether it's family or someone who i never seen before in my life. i'm trying to do my best to rehabilitate myself because i'm pretty much screwed up but it's not enough.

my mom yelled at me just now for something i didn't do right. she's right about it and all but you know... it's not her fault for my anger problem and such. then i had to deal with my boss yesterday that was getting upset with me for a lot of shit that i didn't have control over. like it's not my fault that those people want to bullshit around and i end up getting in trouble for that shit. it's like i get the heat coming from all sides and i get the blame either way. it's pretty much my fault and being that i already have issues, i find myself getting upset and having to dig deep to not go off on someone or something. i tried to go to therapists but they don't seem to give a fuck so i pretty much find myself having to tell myself to not go off on anybody, kill anybody, hurt anybody because i'm angry and shit. the thing is i've dealt with that shit my whole life so i'm pretty much hostile to those around me even without trying to. being angry was normal to me because people around me were angry as hell. these idiots when i was a kid couldn't put two and two together like dayum...

but as i see it, FUCK THE WHOLE WORLD, FUCK ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT FEEL THE NEED TO UPSET ME AND PISS ME OFF, FUCK EVERYBODY WHO SIMPLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME BUT THINK I SHOULD UNDERSTAND THEM, FUCK ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT CONSTANTLY PUT ME IN A POSITION WHERE I'M TRYING TO HOLD ON TO WHATEVER BIT OF SANITY IS KEEPING ME FROM GOING OFF, FUCK ALL THESE MARKS FOR PUSHING MY BUTTONS, AND I JUST HOPE THAT I DON'T GET FED UP OR HAVE ONE OF THOSE BURST OF RAGE WHERE I JUST DO SOMETHING FUCKED UP BECAUSE SOMEBODY REALLY SET ME OFF. THESE PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND AND THEY NEVER WILL WHICH IS WHY I DON'T FUCK WITH THEM. EVEN WHEN I'M IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM, WE'RE DISTANCES APART SO FUCK THEM.

the denom known as self hate

2011-10-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

the self hate is really killing me on the inside.

you know, everything isn't going to well for me, at least that's how i feel, but at the same time, if it did, i still feel like i'm not shit.

i think i'm ugly on the inside and the outside, i get annoyed at hearing my own voice, i hate myself for not doing the things i'm supposed to do, i hate myself for fucking myself up and not doing anything to change it. I HATE MYSELF.

you know, i don't know why the fuck i hate myself so much. i really don't know. why can't i be happy? i say all this shit as in looks ain't shit, don't do this, don't do that, i'm busy worrying about the state of other people and such and such. people give me advice on how to live a better life and i disregard what they say despite them trying to reach out to me.

i'm too scared to get professional help without them putting me on medication despite someone telling how it could possibly work, i most definitely can't tell my family because what the fuck are they going to do, i don't want to kill myself nor do i feel that is even an option for me (i want to live). i want to get better, i know how to get better BUT i don't have it in me to get better. there's NO drive, NO interest, NO exact spark to make me get up and want to get better.

i find myself getting irritated at myself. i don't treat myself right. i keep saying I and last thing, I USE AND ABUSE MYSELF. I DON'T GET PROPER REST. I ALWAYS BEAT MY DICK TO THE POINT WHERE MASTURBATION IS BECOMING POINTLESS. HELL.. even when i'm not saying this shit, i'm beating myself up in my head. my emotions are beating me up. i feel irritated right now.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

2011-10-14T02:05:00.000-04:00

LMAO @ juno.com. remember that bullshit ass internet provider along with netzero and bluelight.

a fucking crack pot with popcorn kennels ready to go OFF!

2011-10-10T03:49:00.000-04:00

man, nothing surprising but i feel moody and angry as FUCK right now mixed in with some sadness and frustration.

i find myself sitting here with my pants around my thighs with my dick erected with my right hand with lotion that has been rubbed into my skin from jerking off and my left hand dry as fuck that hasn't touched anything besides my mousepad and keyboard.

why am i mad? my mind has been real terrible to me. i think too much. i'm also sensitive too so boom, any little thing i could take the wrong way and get easily bothered to the point where i'm upset. sitting here in my room, i have a lot of time to think and being that as of recent, i've given myself to sit down, think shit out and wonder about myself. i find myself getting angry, upset. i used to hate watching the tv but web surfing just pisses me off as well. today, i've been browsing web forums and reading some things have been stirring me the wrong way so i prefer to keep my mouth shut and say shit on here.

now you know, reading some things were really getting me a bit angry to the point where i felt like killing somebody or beating someone up. like damn, i was and somewhat am still that angry. it was like FUCK!!!!! i know violence is wrong as well as being negative BUT guess what... that's all that happens, man. that's how i react, fam. that's how i fucking react and that's how i deal with shit. i don't know how other people deal with things BUT i doubt a motherfucker would be doing any better if they were me. a lot of fuckers talk about how easy shit is and the whole nine BUT you're not me, you can never be me and you're looking from the outside in. so all you other marks that are reading this shit ready to go talk shit and criticize and tell me what i should do. save your words and go fuck yourself. i don't want to hear it. in fact, i'm taking away the comments opinion for you.

and yo.... i read shit, i look at my life, i look other people's lives (i don't give a fuck about what anybody says about comparing or whatever. i don't give a fuck. i'm doing it.) and i get angry as fuck. like FUCK THIS SHIT! i dayum sure don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, i'm tired of trying to fucking figure myself out, so tired that i'm just getting mad thinking about that shit to the point where i feel like hurting someone as a way of medicating myself. shit is twisted BUT dayum, i have no other options. you know, NONE. i'm NOT going to the therapist or any shrinks for them to tell me the same goddamn BULLSHIT. i'm not going to bother hearing people's advice since i can't seem to get the point across to them well enough for them to really understand me and i need some alone time from everybody. my family, my homies, people in general. i don't feel like pretending that everything is okay. i don't feel like talking, running around asking people for help and that shit falling on deaf ears. fuck the whole world. i'm all by my fucking self. fuckers will never understand so why even reach out to them. i'll just pretend around motherfuckers like everything's alright because when i keep it trill with them, they wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and the whole nine. yeah, i have a problem and i don't know how to fucking deal with it.

music to fade out too when feeling really shitty right now

2011-10-10T02:42:00.000-04:00

when i come back home, i'm eating my food, making my food and heading my ass to bed

2011-10-08T15:01:00.000-04:00

no fucking doubt. this pimple over my mouth is killing the shit out of me.

i don't know or not. i think i need to take a break from masturbating. i jerked off three times today already. i tried to jerk off just now and i had a problem getting it up. yo... i was struggling to get it up, yo. when i did get it up, i could feel the orgasm but it wasn't anything spectular or unforgettable. so indeed, i think i need to take a break from masturbating even though i love that shit.

another thing too. i have a lot more shit to say but that's going to go in the journal. fuck it, i'm ghost. about to eat and run.

i don't feel the need to explain SHIT to somebody who doesn't even want to understand or LISTEN to me.

2011-10-07T16:20:00.001-04:00

yeah, mom. i'm talking to you. yeah, i caught an attitude with you putting away the clothes and shit. you know what? i don't care. i really don't feel like being bothered right now and as far as i'm concerned, since you're not really interested in hearing where the fuck i come from and shit and i've dealt with that shit for how many fucking years, learning to deal with myself and shit. I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE HEARING ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY PERTAINING TO ME. i told you where the fuck i'm coming from and you don't give a fuck enough to understand so yeah, i gave you an attitude because i didn't feel like doing that shit RIGHT THE FUCK AWAY. i'm tired, i'm lazy and that's just that. maybe if your ass actually paid close attention awhile ago when i was trying to explain to you, this and that, we wouldn't have to go through this shit BUT hey.. since you didn't listen, you have to deal with that shit. i'm tired. my problems are coming into my everyday life and i don't know how to deal with them and eventually me affected me. so oh well, i tried to tell you this, you didn't care, you didn't think it was an issue, i did, you tried to discourage me from trying to make myself better and you thought it was all about meditation books, praying and all this riff raff bullshit that you think actually works but it didn't even work for you. i tried to go to a therapists, i tried to tell you what i was dealing with and i asked you for your support. i was hoping that you would put two and two together for you to realize that i do want to be a better person BUT i need help in doing so. you apparently thought i was bullshitting and look at what you get. so i don't think i'm wrong in getting mad. i don't think i'm WRONG for being annoyed. i UNDERSTAND where you're coming from, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHERE THE FUCK I'M COMING FROM AND I'M TIRED OF THAT SHIT.

smh @ the media trying to twist troy davis' last word

2011-10-07T02:30:00.000-04:00

one of the media witnesses said "i personally did not shoot him".

liberating myself from myself

2011-09-30T03:45:00.001-04:00

i realize that the only person holding me back from succeeding or from failing is myself. that's a good and a bad thing. the thing is... i'm not going to go anywhere. i'm not going to fly nor am i going to fall.

but on some real shit though, all jokes aside. i come to realize that regardless of what i do whether it's exercising, sleeping, getting a new job, going back to school, accepting myself, living my life, getting laid or whatever it may be. i still won't be happy or satisified. i actually NEED help. i might check myself to a therapist again even though i don't want to. i think the problems i have within me go beyond anything that i could do to help myself at this point.

happy birthday to me.

2011-09-28T02:03:00.002-04:00

25 years old. not excited about it at all but i'm happy to still be around. happy to still be alive. 25 years old. i beat the odds. i beat the odds.

you know... i always make these type of fucking blogs, no surprise

2011-09-26T11:49:00.001-04:00

but you know what...

i went to bed at 5 in the morning and i woke up at 11. i woke up feeling very, very upset. i was sad, sad, sad, sad. i thought about everything and how fucking fed up i was and had been from way back and how i manage to not snap or go off despite the signs that i'm really close to going off on somebody or myself or that my mental stability might be fading away as time goes by. i was disgusted. i looked at myself and i blame myself to. i'm like damn, how much can i take of this shit? why do i even bother to even go to somewhere or do things that i'm not interested in doing or no longer have a stomach to do? i don't feel like working that shitty job anymore but yet i'm not motivated enough to go out and get me another job. i'm lazy as FUCK when it comes to helping myself and i move at a snails pace in life. basically, i'm my own worst enemy and then i look at the other issues that i'm forced to deal with and IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. you know, i won't elaborate on one of the problems that i'm dealing with but that shit has me really hating myself right now. it's like damnit, i rather be dead than to just deal with that issue. shit is fucked up. it's like i really got dealt with a bunch of shitty cards and at this moment of time, i don't have the balls to fucking play with them because i fucking don't know how to and sad to say, i don't fucking want to.

it's getting to the point where i'm just mad as fuck, sad as fuck and really don't want to do with anything with anybody and i rather stay locked up in my room all day. i don't want to hear my mom talking about how much i need to go out and get busy with life. see... i would say some fucked up shit right now, see that's how upset i am, but you know, i really don't feel like hearing anything from someone who doesn't seem interested in hearing how my problems and how myself is holding me back. i've tried to explain it to her but she doesn't give a fuck so why the fuck would i even care to explain? i don't feel like hearing from people that don't want to understand where i'm coming from. i also feel like going to a bunch of therapists as i've done before would be utterly pointless as well. nobody not even fucking people that are paid to hear about problems or to care about you don't want to hear about my fucking problems. they don't. all they just fucking care about is getting paid and doing their job so fuck em. all they do is just sit, listen for how many minutes and do whatever. they don't do shit. i feel that even talking about my problems or even bothering to get help will lead me nowhere but make me worse than i am. i have no support system or whatever. i have myself so i'm going to do what i've been trying to do and continue to learn how to deal with myself. it's been hard to do so but i feel that the biggest friend i've had in all this or the person who understands me the best is ME and nobody else. fuck everybody else. i thought that there were people that understood where i was coming from but i was wrong. they don't so i'm not even going to waste the time. i feel more at comfort talking to my journal. hell, honestly, this blog is worthless and i really shouldn't even be writing this shit. i damn sure don't see what the fuck all of you people have to say besides getting entertained off this bullshit and saying how much you relate to it. i don't feel like etching and sketching myself to strangers for free that can only write responses about how i need to do this and that without really seeing the shit or understanding it.

when i was laying in bed, i thought about it. i was like "i'm this upset where i feel like blowing my head off" but i can't bring myself to do it. i also felt upset to the point where i felt like harming other people as in taking my pain out on others. i'm mad and upset with myself. so fuck me too. but on some real shit, i don't want to be bothered with anybody. i've been fed up for years and you know what.. suicide or isolating yourself from everybody to get yourself a clear mind shouldn't be looked at as a bad thing when you really feel optionless and burdened. i wish i didn't think so much about other people and i also wish that i was really by myself. that would make shit easier but all i'm surrounded by is idiots where i have to fake my feelings around despite me feeling otherwise. i don't feel like smiling because i'm not happy with myself. i don't feel like pretending that everything is okay. i don't feel like talking about my problems. i don't feel like telling myself that i'm not going to hurt anybody or do anything crazy when i feel like doing that shit. i don't feel like telling myself that i'm not going to do this because i don't want other people to think bad about me or whatever. i FUCKING don't. i don't feel like showing my ugly grill to people and watching their facial expressions and ying and fucking yang anymore then thinking that i did something wrong to them and shit. i don't feel like being told shit by people anymore. i'm tired. fuck everybody.

understanding myself on a deeper level.

2011-09-23T15:33:00.000-04:00

without going to deep because this is a much bigger subject that i'm not ready to talk about to anybody besides me, myself and i and other people who have experience on this subject matter.

this has nothing to do with mediation, yoga, spirituality, religion or any of that shit. it's much deeper. it's learning to deal with myself. you know where there's some things that you find out, learn about yourself but are scared to dig into because you might be hurt or you might reopen wounds or things that you thought were wounds but really are not, you have to learn how to deal with them in order to become a better person. you really don't have a choice because the only way you're going to escape that is through death.

i'm learning the hard way. in order to achieve the happiness that i really wanted all along. i'm going to have to deal with it. my goal by next year is to be happy. to be happy. that's it. i don't feel like being miserable anymore or living under a shadow of fear. i'm getting a bit too angry for my own good. i really know what my problems are now. the thing is how to solve them. it's going to take some therapy possibly but i'll be fine, i hope.

i have a mother that doesn't want to fucking understand.

2011-09-21T18:49:00.000-04:00

i understand where she comes from and shit BUT she doesn't care to understand where the FUCK i come from and THAT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF! every single fucking time. it's with EVERYTHING. she refuses to fucking listen or understand what the fuck i say. i might as well live by my fucking self if i have to hear all this shit and all this talk about this and that with my mom only seeing this and refusing to hear that. i don't feel like putting up with this with another year and i damn sure don't appreciate my mom spazzing on me and putting in a fucking pressure cooker when i'm already fucking feeling stressed out dealing with my SHIT already. so mom, do yourself a favor. if you're not going to be a support system and make me worse than i am, BACK THE FUCK OFF. just do yourself that favor and back the fuck off. i don't need anybody making me feel worse than i do about myself or putting me in a position where i have to FUCKING bite my fingers off trying to figure shit out. i'm tired of that shit. for real.... i need to get the fuck out of here.

even though i hate the site, i think these videos are hilarious.

2011-09-21T13:36:00.002-04:00

i feel as if i have been dealt a bunch of shitty ass cards.

2011-09-19T13:29:00.000-04:00

you know, if i could take away all my problems and live a better life, i would do it BUT i found out that i need help to help myself and it's been like that for years even looking back before i even hit my teenage years.

but it seems like those around me never gave a fuck enough to try to intervene. i'm not making excuses for myself, i'm trying to explain my situation. see, my parents, i don't know what the fuck was going on in their minds. i know my father doesn't give a fuck. to me, he's not even in the picture. he's just there. he was and still is an asshole that likes to pride himself like he isn't but he's an asshole. my mom on the other hand was dealing with this, dealing with that, she needed help herself but she wanted to play the stubborn role and screw herself over. instead of just being realistic and handling her problems, she decided to get us mixed in with her bullshit when we're already dealing with our fathers bullshit as well. i am NOT saying that my mom is a horrible parent. she's a wonderful mother but i feel that the issues she was dealing with with my father and her own self, she really didn't do a good job of dealing with it so it became our problem.

to top it off, my bro and me went to a shitty ass school which was more interested in money and not teaching us. as a kid, i was really, really bright. i could have skipped a grade or two BUT see, my school was that SHITTY that they didn't give a fuck about me. i guess since we were a bunch of black students in a neighborhood which wasn't really all that good, they didn't seem to give a fuck about us. we got the short end of the stick. really short end. my mom for whatever reason felt that that school was great for us and she still feels so to this day BUT what she doesn't realize was that school fucked us over big time. we had basic ass school subjects and NOTHING ELSE. no art classes, no extracurricular activities, NOTHING. i was drawing a lot back in the day. my mind was imaginative as fuck. i was ahead of my time or at least that's what i believe because i was doing a lot more other things BUT see.. with this school, they didn't have and damn sure weren't interested in getting the resources to better us as kids. NOT AT ALL. to them, to make up for all the bullshit that they lacked, they called focused on "discipline" which was basically the teachers yelling at us for every little infraction we did. not all of them but if you didn't put your pencil down, the teachers would yell at you. if you didn't do something right, the teachers got on you. it was BULLSHIT. see.. from 1st to 3rd grade, everything was cool, i guess because i didn't realize how bad the situation was. i was able to deal with it. by the time i hit 4th grade, that's when everything changed. i wanted to expand my horizons but how the fuck could i do that when i didn't have the resources. that's what pissed me off. as we grew older, it got worse. really worse. honestly, i don't know why the fuck my parents kept me in that bullshit ass school. i felt that it retarded me in a sense because i didn't get the shit i was supposed to get and my parents thought this school was helping me out when it didn't. so they didn't feel the need to teach me certain things or whatever. they took it for granted that i would instinctively be interested in doing things like cooking or whatever. we didn't even have home economics in grade. NOPE. we didn't have NONE of that shit. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.

then when i was already dealing with other issues on my own, once again, my parents didn't feel the need to intervene. they felt that it would correct itself or i had completely control of what i was doing. IF I HAD CONTROL OVER THAT SHIT, DO YOU THINK I WOULD FUCKING DO IT? see.. that's another thing that pisses me off. instead of realizing that i was a fucking kid back then and not a grown ass person, they never felt the need to HELP ME OUT. they wanted to beat around the bush and just take baby steps with me and shit. HELP ME OUT, STUPID. so by the time i reached high school, i was dealing with my issues, problems and life in the way that i felt was fit. my parents input really didn't matter at that point because i wasn't going to listen to them. they already showed me how interested they were in bettering me better myself so oh fucking well. i started to do whatever i liked, i also got into my issues of my own and i tried to deal with them as how i saw fit. i wasn't really all that interested in school work because like i said, i felt that it was a waste. in my old school, it was simply about getting by. to me, i felt at that point, i was more interested in other things and that school around the 6th grade was a pain in my ass where they weren't teaching me shit. they really weren't. SCHOOL WAS TERRIBLE. so i went to high school with this same mentality not realizing that this was something else and what happened, i fucked up.

so i managed to figure out what i did wrong and focused on it and got myself out of that situation. however, i was still in a rut with other things. i was trying to get myself involved in music or trying to deal with whatever i was dealing with at the time but didn't know how so i dealt with it as how i saw fit. in the process, my parents weren't bothering to understand where i was coming from. i remember telling my mom how i was feeling when i was doing some weird shit that was disrupting my life and the most she could tell me is "maybe it's a talent you have". instead of helping me to help myself rid this and make me a better man, you literally washed your hands of me and told me to fix it your damn self. so i did, mom. thank you. so all these years later, 10 years i tried to deal with me, struggled with what i struggled with and tried to get out of my ways, you acting like this shit wasn't going to happen. YEAH, YOU ACT LIKE THIS SHIT WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

hell.. even the times i try to deal with what i deal with such as the times i went to the therapist to get help, YOU WEREN'T SUPPORTIVE AT ALL. here i am trying to make myself better but you certainly weren't supportive at all. there was "nothing wrong with me" and "if i could snap out of it, i would". THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD I TRY TO GET HELP THEN. geez. you want me to get into that bullshit mediation or whatever the fuck as if it's going to help BUT you yourself aren't being helped by that shit either. so now i am who i am and am trying to build something for myself, i have you all supporting my lousy ass father and his bullshit talking about "you have to eat the food i made" when his ass doesn't want to eat anybody elses shit when they cook it and then talk about my sleeping habits when his ass doesn't go to sleep himself because he's busy doing whatever the fuck or watching me so fuck him and his sociopathic ass. you trying to let this man give me advice he doesn't even use himself and you stand by his word.

man... for real, i just want to move far as fucking way as possible. start new and just get all these people that really aren't helping me to help myself and move on with life out of my hair. i feel as if my parents have no fucking understanding and are basically aliens to my life now. they'll never understand because they never tried to so what's the use. whenever my mom is busy spazzing on me about shit. i'm like "stop it". she knows yelling isn't going to do shit. see, that's what happened to me in grade school, mom.

so now i'm stuck with this predictaments i have and i want to get rid of them BUT how, HOW THE FUCK DO I GET RID OF THEM? i'm still trying to figure it out but i know this is a journey i'm going to have to do on my own since i have no fucking support system, sad to say, and i'm going to have to reach out for help. it's probably going to take years for me to correct this shit because even if i do go far, it's just me. i need help and apparently, if i live my life my parents see fit, i'll become worse than i am.

ain't even mad. more of irritated and annoyed.

2011-09-19T01:44:00.000-04:00

well... as i'm taking steps towards making a better and happier life for myself. i'm slowly beginning to lose my patience dealing with people everyday that i would joke around and disregard. i'm trying really hard not to spaz off and flip out on motherfuckers. i know the way i say my feelings on here, you would think that i spaz out on a daily basis and flip out on people when i do a good job of holding my feelings back and masking them (at least that's what i think). now that is fizzing away day by day. i had moments at work where i was about to really lose my temper or just quit. honestly, i don't feel like doing this shit anymore. i don't feel like going to my day job. i don't feel like living around here anymore. i feel like moving far away as possible because i'm tired as fuck with everything and everybody. at this moment of time where i'm trying to focus on myself and only me, i find myself in a situation where i don't feel like dealing with the same BULLSHIT that i've dealt with for x amount of years. even back when i was a kid, i must have been really aware because i put a lot of pressure on myself and i took a lot of shit from people. now i feel like just expressing how i really felt all these years and with that, comes the "i don't give a fuck" and real shit, my idea of not giving a fuck would be stepping up to someone who pissed me off and beating them up or seriously violating them of their fucking dignity. i'm tired of dealing with this shit. with that said, i plan on living my life and getting shit over with. even though i'm still figuring myself out, i'm going to make a lot of fucking changes and transitions ahead for myself and when i get through with this, i'll be a happier person and all you aggy ass people that want to throw your goddamn shit in my corner can kiss my motherfucking ass. best believe that i will feel happy as fuck fucking you up. in fact, when i see you motherfuckers, i feel happy because you don't know how close you are from getting seriously hurt and i wouldn't mind stomping your fucking face into the back of your fucking head for being so fucking miserable. it's a journey for myself, FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE. this is for me. i know i talked a lot about other people, worried about other people but as of thursday, FUCK OTHER PEOPLE AND FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. it's about me. i might go ahead and buy me a gun and whatever the fuck happens happens. if i kill somebody in the heat of the moment because they pissed me off, fuck it. that's probably how it was supposed to happen. i don't care. i no longer feel like lying to myself, playing tricks and being patient. i know that i MIGHT lose a lot of shit at the end of this but guess what... i'm living my life. it's either that or i'm going to go off on one of you motherfuckers.

LMAO @ the older generations trying to defend their half assed songs with bad singing.

2011-09-12T02:01:00.002-04:00

fuck outta here with that bullshit. i remember my parents putting me through the hell of the oldies music because they wanted to shelter me from the music of the 90s that i eventually found out anyway.

i had to listen to BULLSHIT like this.

(the song from that the boondocks was making fun of. LOL! that shit is basically the soul version of ymca)

(the end cracks me the fuck up. very anticlimatic.)

and the older generation wanna talk shit about chris brown, usher, and everybody else busting out dance moves and shit. look @ this music video for rock the boat. i love this song BUT.. the myth about black people being able to dance falls to shit when you see this.

for the record, i'm going to change the background of this shit either by next week BUT speaking of 911

2011-09-11T01:03:00.000-04:00

i'm not going to share any stories or talk about how my life was 10 years ago or where i was at. to me, this day... i honestly don't give a fuck about 911 because i still believe to this day that it's straight up bullshit that happened. i've always felt that way.

but when i think of a decade.. looking back at then and now, the saying "ain't shit change but the date" or whatever the saying is rings true because it is. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. from the time that i was in high school 10 years ago going through shit, still looking for myself, completely going through mood swings, lack of sleep, bored with life, feeling hopeless and shit. 10 years later, i'm still the same fucking person. well.... things have been making much more sense but 10 years later, i feel the same and i've really noticed NO changes around me. yeah, things have happened BUT it hasn't changed what is already there or how i feel or what things are. NOTHING'S CHANGED. i feel as if i could go back to 2001, i probably would feel the same way that i do now. to me, i was dealing with a lot of bullshit around me 10 years ago and guess, what i'm still dealing with it, it's that i've accepted that the world is really that fucked up and that i have to live with people who are fucked up. you know.... i honestly don't feel like i've grown up either. i have like two college degrees, my high school diploma and whatever. big fucking deal. i go to the gym, big fucking deal. i'm still a virgin, big fucking deal. i do things, i go to parties, i do whatever. BIG FUCKING DEAL. it's like... the last decade to me has made me feel all kinds of ways but i guess it's safe to say that i've been BORED for the past 10 years. i guess that makes me a boring person or that means that i really am truly seeing shit for what it is. NOTHING. really... things happen, people live, people die, i'm still alive. happy to be here. things will happen and i'll still be the same person i was back then. i'm not even mad. hell.. i'm more of sad BUT then again, i've mastered the process of internalizing how i feel so it doesn't even hurt as bad as it was 10 years ago.

i'm gonna continue to jerk off and whatever the fuck. tunnel vision, motherfuckers.

i stay feeling shitty, upset and angry. fucking pain.

2011-09-10T00:24:00.001-04:00

shit is REALLY irritating to no end. it really is.

i don't know what the fuck it is. so upset that i could feel it in my face, in my eyes, in my heart and everything. shit is annoying as fuck. it's a never ending fucking cycle that repeats itself. tired of feeling all this emotional instability topped with my mind and those fucking awful ass thoughts of hurting people and whatever because i'm angry and upset as fuck so i feel the need to take out my pain on others. FUCK!!! there's a lot of things that i'm tired of that i wish i could stop but f*ck it.

fuck tupac and big pun. GUMBY'S BACK. GUMBY'S BACK!!!!!

2011-09-07T21:29:00.003-04:00

this time in a major way.

http://news.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980197198

Gumby Robbery at 7-Eleven is a Giant Green Fail (Video)

September 07, 2011 08:35 PM EDT

Gumby held up a 7-Eleven convenience store in San Diego, CA, Monday, but he failed to make off with any green. When the costumed man tried to execute the Gumby robbery, the store clerk didn't take him seriously. He told the would-be robber to stop wasting his time. Finally, Gumby said he was going to show the clerk his gun. But when he reached into his costume, he struggled to find the gun and was ultimately unable to pull it out. Disheartened by the costume malfunction, Gumby and his accomplice (who was not Pokey, the horse) fled the store. In the process, Gumby dropped twenty-six cents. So, technically Gumby has less money than he had before he attempted to rob the 7-Eleven.

A Green Sponge Bob Square Pants

The dumbfounded clerk still didn't think an attempted robbery had actually occurred, so he did not initially report the incident to the police. When the store manager started his shift, he finally reported the Gumby robbery to the police. The clerk was unfamiliar with the Gumby character. When asked to describe the assailant to police, he said that he looked like a green Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Reward for Gumby's Capture

Anyone near the Rancho Penasquitos area of San Diego is encouraged to report any known information about the Gumby robbery. Crime Stoppers is offering a reward of up to $1,000. On a side note, someone may want to tell this jokester that he's more than a month early for Halloween.

this made my night. LOL.

i'm so sick of my father telling me how the fuck to live my life

2011-09-06T00:15:00.001-04:00

when his punk ass can't even live his right himself?why the fuck you telling me what time i should eat when your ass doesn't even do the same shit you telling me to do, asshole? what a fucking jerk off. this dude wants to tell me about what time i should eat. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT. dude will tell me what the fuck to do for example, i'll eat at 12 at night and then all this bullshit he'll tell me. he ain't even eat yet himself. so all this time you talking this shit to me about "you have to eat your dinner. it's not healthy. you're going to get sick". then when i'll go and eat my dinner, suddenly he'll pop up around and grab dinner too. so all of a sudden, you're rushing me to get my dinner and you're going to eat along with me? what type of bullshit is that? that's why i said my father is a sociopath. he's better at trying to control people, put down people, seem to have no emotional regard for anyone besides his fucking self and paints other people as assholes when it's HIM. my father is better at telling people what to do, controlling people, manipulating them to do WHAT HE WANTS THEM TO DO AND NOT WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM. that's why i don't take him and his word seriously. his word is weak to me. he has the audacity to tell me to stop talking to myself yet his ass always roams around singing out loud, crying for attention, talking to me about what's on tv while i'm eating, listening to music or on the computer busy with something when i'm not even paying attention to his ass and he's telling me to stop talking to myself. he pisses me off. i really can't stand him and his shit. dude is full of shit. i find it hard to live around my father because he's like a huge negative ball of energy that just does nothing but put down people or drag them on his level of bullshit.

creepy ass news article that i came across on msn.com

2011-09-05T22:24:00.001-04:00

this news article made me cringe. it's creepy as fuck. 1 sperm donor, 150 brothers and sisters

i hate it when people get disrespectful right to my face on some sneaky shit then get all scared when i look at them like "what's up?"

2011-09-02T21:48:00.000-04:00

i'm in the supermarket just now and i happened to walk past this short bodybuilding roiding motherfucker with acne all over his arms and then tall hugo jones ass motherfucker looking like he could bust out doing the carlton dance at any second. i'm walking past then i notice that the two of them started chuckling for whatever reason. i figured that they were laughing at me so i was like to myself "are these two motherfuckers laughing at me?" right then and there, i got mad, yeah, my temper just went up and i looked back at these motherfuckers as i was walking past. i didn't pay attention to carlton banks but i looked at the bodybuilding meathead and i noticed that when i was looking at him he was still somewhat chuckling and started looking at his phone on some nervousness shit. like hold up... here, i am some 150 poundish motherfucker at 5'6 and you're some hulksmash diesel motherfucker and i'm just looking at you for a brief second and you turn into a bitch motherfucker? you were laughing at me just now. you had the balls to laugh at me when i walked past you and when i look back at you on some "laugh at me to my face" and you get all shook because you know there's no such thing as half way crooks. YOU'RE A BITCH, HUGO. man.. i don't get why motherfuckers get all disrespectful and then when they get checked, they fall back on some "no problems son, no problems". YOU JUST DID, FAM. YOU JUST DID!!!! i don't even step to motherfuckers like that but some of them be trying to pull that shit with me and i'm like.. "push the brakes, push the brakes".

i don't fucking feel my age.

2011-08-31T01:07:00.000-04:00

you know something that i just realized. in about 28 days, i'm going to turn a quarter century years old. i'll still be young but honestly, i don't feel my age. i feel young, that's because i am young but i feel like a kid still. i feel like i really haven't grown up. i have a lot of shit to catch up too but i'm getting a bit too old to be doing certain things or i'm starting to get embarrassed at myself like.. really, i'm still doing this, i still do that and whatever else.

then when i really started to think about it and what i did this summer. i'm like... do i seriously want to be like this for the next 5 years of my life. now when i think about it, i don't know what the fuck i'll be doing at 30. i can't picture what i'll be like in 30. i just can't imagine it. either i'm going to be dead or i'm going to be a success by 30. that's what i can say because i just can't picture myself living til 30. if i'm still around in one piece when i'm 30 and i'm still alive, then damnit... i can say i made it. to be trill with you, i remember when i told my brother about 6 years ago when i was in my room, down and out, close to crying and he was wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, why i was bugging out and all that shit. i told him.. i don't know. i can't see myself making it past 21 and what do you know.. i made it to see my 21st birthday in one piece. there was no changes but i was still here. now that i'm 25, i really don't know what to look forward to and unless something crazy or meaningful happens to my life or whatever, i don't know. don't know what i'll be doing next year and to me, that's a long ass time from now. a long time. now that my mind isn't all that preoccupied on bullshit like that anymore. i'm seriously thinking about life now. seriously. where the hell am i going to be? will i still be a relationshipless virgin, what will i be doing with my career, when do i plan to grow up, am i moving in the right direction? i'll tell you right now if i'm doing what i'm doing right now, i don't want to live. i much rather die. to me, i don't see anything wrong with death. to be honest with you, i think it would be better to die then to live a life that i'm not that interested in living. i'm seriously not planning on doing what i'm doing now til i'm 30. i can't do it. i don't plan on being a failure yo. i plan on succeeding. either way, i don't know where the fuck i'll be 5 years from now. good luck to me though. in 2015, i want to look back at this shit and laugh if i'm still living. if not, oh well.. somebody can read this shit and get entertained by it or whatever.

LMAO @ this shit. new mexico state police officer fucking while on duty

2011-08-31T00:24:00.000-04:00

LMAO!!!!!!

and that's not even the fucked up part.

so not only was he caught f*cking while on duty skeeting on a bitch on top of his police car. he also let someone he arrested escape while in custody and i was thinking about applying to the police department trying to get my officer ricky on. oh well...

maybe if my mom stop spazzing out and getting mad at everything, her life wouldn't be so miserable.

2011-08-30T22:36:00.000-04:00

for real..... i never understood why my mom gets mad almost all the time, spazzes out over some little shit, and instead of busy fixing her fucking issues or what not, she's busy spazzing out, goes off the handle, talks to herself for an hour getting mad.

to be honest with you, that shit fucking pisses me the fuck off. i'm like dayum.. i get what you're saying but where are you going to get by getting mad and getting the next person that you're mad with mad too. does that make life any fucking easier?

she did the same shit with my father for all these years. instead of just catching a clue, getting up and leave and trying to make her life better and whatever. she choose to put herself in a situation which she was going to make her life worse than it already was dealing with him. now some years later, she's dealing with my brother, me and my father and she's doing the same shit she did years later.

i'm not even going to say shit or whatever. i'm just going to do whatever i have to do, bounce the fuck out and get out of this place where i no longer have to deal with my mom or my dad or my brother's shit. i damn sure don't feel like feeling worse than i am because someone is mad at me justifyingly or unjustifyingly, whatever it may be BUT i damn sure don't need to hear my mom flipping off the handle, spazzing out because my brother made rice and went to the laundrymat to wash his work clothes and shit. i still don't understand why she's that mad for. it's ridiculous. and she wonders why her health is snowballing downhill. to be honest with you, i don't think she would be a happier person either if all of us would do what we do. she would still be the same person she is. worrying, stressed out, getting mad at things that really wouldn't matter.

but one thing, she really does piss me off when she spazzes out and flies off the handle saying shit. not saying she's wrong because she's on point but at the same time, what point is she getting at. i'm NOT my father. i'm aware of my problems and shit. he's NOT with his. it's almost like she's taking out her frustrations with him on my brother and me because it feels a little extra YET she choose to stay with him after the way he treated her all these years. i don't get it.

this shit right here is my joint.

2011-08-30T00:30:00.001-04:00

i told my homeboy that he should sample the beat to this shit.

trill talk, the more i watch tv, go on internet forums, and deal with people in general.. i get FUCKING ANNOYED

2011-08-28T23:47:00.001-04:00

i am trying to be normal and live normal life but you know what... i'm not going to lie to you, man. motherfuckers really annoy and irk the shit out of me. whenever i turn on the tv, i see a bunch of morons and idiots acting like some fucking pieces of shit getting all this applause, all this attention, all this fucking props for NOTHING. what the fuck are you on tv for? get the fuck off my tv. then when i was watching the vmas. i was like "are motherfuckers serious?" watching lady gaga wack ass literally run the award show. TERRIBLE. between her and britney spears, i don't know who i wanted to throw my remote at more to. then when i'm on the internet browsing these web forums. i'm browsing the misc section of bb.com and i've never seen a set of annoying, idiotic, self righteous, moronic props that should be lined up out on a field and shot in the back of the head then these fucking pieces of shit. for real.. if i had the option, i would line up most of the chumps on that website and shoot them in the back of the head. they deserve to die for sounding moronic and stupid and thinking them and their stupidity and bullshit is worth paying much attention to. fuck them and their shitty genetic aesthetics that they lack. FUCK THEM.

man... i'm hungry right now and i have a headache but i guarantee you that's not why i'm annoyed right now. i'm trying to stay sane. hell... i'm just thinking, man. is the world this shitty where i have to deal with bullshit where i have to be haunted by wackness, be forced to live in a state of bullshit. i have enough issues dealing with myself BUT hey... i'm going to keep it real, just dealing with people, having to walk around and go to here and there, deal with bullshit makes me want to kill myself to not deal with this shit. i hate to say it BUT sometimes i get so annoyed with shit, i feel that the only way to get out of this miserable ass place is through death. it's hard to find a lot of happiness and meaning through the world and to remain in a mood of peace in a world surrounded by negativity. like how the fuck am i supposed to remain positive in a place like this. like... am i supposed to be doing yoga all day, have happy thoughts and FORCE myself to do this shit? i shouldn't be having to do this shit. this shit should be like breathing BUT it seems like there's nothing but bullshit, bullshit, bullshit and what the fuck that does is put me in a motherfucking hole.

man.... there's a line that tupac said on blasphemy on the last album he made when he was alive. "we being all good thinking it's heaven where we're going, when we're living in hell, our dumbasses not knowing" i don't believe all of that bible, religion, theism shit. not dissing anybody that is BUT yo.. this is probably hell because it's so hard to be happy BUT it's easy to be miserable. to find some good shit, to find some peace, to be happy and all that shit.. it's easy to find all the shit that will kill you, it's easy to kill yourself, it's easy to ruin your life then it is to be healthy, to remain happy, to enjoy life. and you know what... THIS WORLD IS SET UP THAT WAY. FUCK IT!!! i'm tired of this shit. i'm tired of pulling my hair out trying to remain sane. I'M TIRED. I'M FUCKING TIRED.

LMAO @ the wu tang nintendo commercial...

2011-08-28T18:46:00.002-04:00

LMAO!!!!

rest in peace to consistent queefs aka cayla from sohh.

2011-08-27T03:01:00.001-04:00

we weren't close like that but she was cool peoples though. we talked on aim or msn or one of those things a few times and she was always friendly. i didn't see her on the forums for a good while so i thought she either retired or something happened to her. she remerged like last month and i peeped some hours ago when i was on sohh that she had passed away. well... i peeped some thread that said she was in the icu but it was backed in 2008. then i saw another thread that said she had passed away in her sleep. crazy.

you know.... and to think this happened right when i was trying to control myself. control my mind, try to control those nonsensical thoughts which i would try to validify through certain actions which i felt that i could control the inevitable such as a death of a loved one, my chances at finding love and shit like that. well.. i have to say to myself this. even if i did that shit such as looking at the clock, not leaving the tv to a certain station before i go to bed such as the weather channel or going to the store to buy waters to help me appear to be more funnier than i think i am or to be the type of guy my homies love. it wouldn't have made a difference. i can't control everything. i'm trying to learn how to deal with it. i don't have superpowers, i'm not a superhero. i am a human being and a part of being a human being is accepting yourself, accepting life, execising your opinion to change or leave alone the things you can change and to learn how to deal with the things we have no control over. i guess that's why people do what they do. i guess that's why people are into religion. i guess that's why a lot of people do drugs. live wrecklessly. do things that wouldn't be approved of but hey... life is life. there's no such thing as redos when it comes to time.

i guess this is a test for me. a test of strength to realize that it's not my fault. it's not my fault. i feel weird saying this shit almost like good will hunting or whatever. i don't even feel right saying this but it's not my fault that consistent queefs passed away. it's not my fault. all the bad things or good things that happened, it's not my fault. to have all that weight on me, it was killing me for all those years. i felt like a hostage. i felt that if i didn't do this or that that i would fail my exam, not because i didn't study or wasn't ready. if i said godawful, that somebody that i know would die. that if i didn't jump on the floor or jump out of bed or if i listened to this song, that song or played this game, something bad would happen. i'm kinda getting sad talking about it because for the past 10 years, i've been living in fear. afraid of life. i was afraid of the ills of life and i couldn't accept that there were downs as well as ups. it bothered me a whole lot. now i realize that if something's going to happen, it's going to happen. if something is what it is, it is what it is. i can't change what can't be changed no matter how much times i look at the clock, how much bottles of waters i buy, how much times i jump on the bed, no matter what i do. let's just say that my brother did drown back in 1999 in that lake. what the fuck could i have done? i don't think any form of praying, any form of tossing the penny around on the floor, any way of looking at the clock, checking for the colors on cars, doing some ocd, anxiety type of shit would have made a difference at all. it would have not. it just wasn't his time to go and i'm happy that he's still alive. i love my brother. despite the times him and me have it out, i talk shit about him, he talks shit about me, the times we fought each other, the times we held each other down, the times i disagreed with what he's done and the times he disagreed with what i've done and us being different, opposite type of personalities. i love him and i always will. same thing with my mother and my father. you know, i love my mom. i'm a mama's boy.. *sigh* but at the same time, as much flack as i give my father, treat him mean, give him an attitude, treat him like shit, talk shit about him or whatever.. even though him and me aren't close like how i am with my mom, i still love him too. that's my father. i'll ride out for my family regardless of the situation even if i'm mad with them over certain shit. i still love my family. with the way i have this blog and shit, you would think that my family is a bunch of lousy assholes that aren't shit. don't think because i put out a bunch of flaws and shit, my disagreements or whatever that my mother, my father, my brother aren't good people. they are good people. they watch me, they hold me down at times of need, they have my back and i have theirs. yeah, we aren't perfect but we're good people. we have our flaws as human beings. it's that with me, this is a way of channeling how i feel because i really have no outlets to do that. it's like playing a sport, working out, doing an activity is not the same thing as typing or writing out what's on my mind. my mind is very active like that. i think a lot. hell.. even drawing doesn't capture everything. i can draw my situations out but it's not the same thing as how it is in words. i feel more comfortable putting it down in words because it's etched in stone. i love my family.

and as for people outthere. i'm not going to lie. i don't really entirely hate people. it's that i don't know how to deal with people. i honestly don't. maybe my misunderstandings of people have led me to be angry with people when i don't understand them and where they come from so i feel the need to be on the defense. like let's say... somebody looks at me a certain way i don't like, it could be the way i look at them or it could be what i said or they could be having a bad day and i caught them at that moment. shit, i'm the same way too. i guess last sunday at work, i gave customers the wrong look and they thought i was mad with them or i was looking really strange at the time and they were reacting to what i gave them. i don't know. maybe it was my fault. maybe they were being assholes. i shouldn't worry about it. i need to learn how to breathe more and to let things go and to just live life. i can't control everything and it's not my fault if something goes good or bad. well... you know.. certain things such as me being able to find a job or me passing or failing a class.. of course, that and the teacher that grades my paper and deals with me and all the other students. i'm no longer in school anyway being that i graduated and the next step is either working til retirement, grad or law school. hey... i need to stop worrying and just live. if i die tomorrow, i may not have done everything i set out to do BUT at least i have an understanding of myself or i had one of the many keys to the happiness that i've been searching for for years now. AND I DID IT WITHOUT MEDICATION. IN YOUR FACE, SHRINK!!!

i think that i'm growing up now. i think i'm ready to be a man now. yeah, i said it. all these years, i've been running with a child's mentality but i think it's time for me to be a man. i'm not talking about pussy or moving out or whatever. it's time for me to live and be me. time for me to be happy and worry free and not live my life in fear.

right now, i feel good. i'm taking steps still. i'm not out of the clear yet. i'm still in rehab BUT i'm on my way to being better again and getting myself out of this mental madness that has been overwhelming for a long time.

speaking of some scary shit... i know i posted this shit before at some point in the past but i can't get over this shit.

2011-08-24T20:57:00.010-04:00

the power of nuclear weaponry. that shit ain't no joke.

yo.. as for the music in the background that was playing during the nuclear test. i actually copped the soundtrack from amazon today. i like the music. it's so fucking sick. i was hoping to download it from somewhere on the web, searched goggle all night for it. instead i kept getting the same shitty links and i was getting annoyed so i tossed 16 dollars to amazon to have that shit by tomorrow. been wanting to know who did this song anyway.

but on a lighter note. i also wanted to post this because it's fucking hilarious.

poor kel....

2011-08-24T01:24:00.000-04:00

i know this is old but damn, fam. kennan is busy making moves in hollywood, is on snl, was even in a movie or two trying to make it happen and kel... damn, what the fuck happened to kel? you go from all that to good burger to youtube. dayum, man. motherfucker shaking his knee bones to fizz it up fizz it uuppppp, dog. dayum homie... in 96 you were the man homie, what the fuck happened to you?????

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!! we having earthquakes on the east coast, now.. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

2011-08-23T14:06:00.000-04:00

holy shit. HOLY SHIT!!!! goddamn..... i'm on my computer and i notice that shit was shaking. i'm like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! i'm like awwww hell no. i'm not dying yet. i gotta get the fuck outta here. i woke up my brother and told his ass to get the fuck up and let's get outside. yo..... HOLY SHIT!!!! i was ready to run and then it stopped. my brother was just like "oh... it's a tremor". he was all acting like that shit was a joke. fuck that shit.. i would have left his ass if he wanted to play that bullshit.

had a dream where this kid and his daddy tried to stick a pen into the hole of my dick.

2011-08-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

word up, shit was scary as hell. these two motherfuckers approached me in the hood while i was waiting for a bus. next thing you know, they start talking shit and the father or some old ass man starts holding me by my shoulders and then this kid is trying to rip off my pants. dude is trying to pull back my underwear. i guess my dick was sticking out because i could see he one of those bic black pens and shit. dude was trying to stick a pen right into my dick. i felt that shit. i was like hell no. the father was strong as fuck so i couldn't get out of the full nelson that he had me on plus i was on the ground. as soon as i felt that the tip of the pen going right into my dick, that's when all the strength i had came out of me, and i used my right hand to smack the shit out of that old man. i was about to whoop that kid's ass that was trying to stick a pen in my dick but i woke up. *sigh* i hope i can have a reoccurring dream so i could finish that asswhooping.

either i'm depressed, numb, or just feeling out of place just now

2011-08-19T23:01:00.000-04:00

so i did cardio tonight at the gym.

i was feeling all __________________________ @ first but now, thinking about it more. i feel like there's a storm that's seaing inside of me and i really don't want to delve into it. i want to avert it by all means necessary. you know...... being tired, being incredibly calm, being mellowed out and laid back as well as being hungry at the same time is not helping my case at all. it's really not. in fact, i feel like i need someone to talk to because... it's just one of those things that needs to be said but then again, i don't think i have the ability to walk on water right now. leave it alone.

i'm just going to eat, finish washing my clothes, shave, then chill out. shit is deep. all these problems coming around at the same time and i'm going to do my best to deal with them. i'm going to try. i'll make it. i hope i do.

so i'm starting to learn how to calm myself down and to be somewhat at peace

2011-08-16T23:47:00.000-04:00

to be honest with you, i was on sohh, i was on bb.com forums, i was all over the internet and i was looking.. honestly, i felt bad that all the replies i responded to and gave what i thought were meaningful responses were ignored or people just were dissing them. i was like you know... fuck them and fuck this. i decided to just let it slide and let it go. then i had my mom at some point, yelling at me about things i didn't do right, things i did wrong and etc. i was also feeling a bit down too because i thought about what the hell i was doing with myself. i felt like a loser somewhat. but honestly, you know.... i beat myself up daily, there's times when i get tired of feeling like the victim, feeling like the loser, tired of dissing myself, hating myself and i just want to be at peace. there's also times when i distance myself from people and block out people as in i try not to think about them or have anything to do with them because i feel that i need the space, need the time to breathe and think. have a damn clear head on my shoulders, no thinking overload or whatever.

honestly, i'm not mad at anybody. there's times when i spew my frustration at everybody.. my family, people on the internet, people that i see daily. i'm trying to come to the grip that there's really nothing to be mad about. despite the moments where people piss me off or try to get under my skin. there's really nothing to be mad about. if i let them piss me off, they're winning so the best thing i can do to pay their asses back would be to make them as powerless as possible by ignoring them or act unresponsive towards their ass. i'm trying to let that mindset sink into me.

as for all this other bullshit for looking for love and all this bullshit. i don't care really. i'm not going to put any pressure on myself for that shit. i don't care if i'm a 25 year old virgin which i will be in a month. who gives a fuck? i'm content with who i am or at least i'm learning to accept who i am as a person. looking back 10 years ago, i was worried about not getting laid, worried about what people thought about me and the whole nine. fuck them. now that i look at it, i wasn't a lame for being a 14 year old that had no girls, no relationships and other shit. not at all. in fact, as long as i was cool with myself and happy, i was all good. nothing wrong with that. i enjoyed masturbating and chilling because i was already feeling stressed out with myself and i needed to snap back into reality because i wasn't dealing with it at all. i thought that not masturbating would have changed who i was as a person or would introduce me into the social life that i wanted at the time when it would have been better for me to jerk off, enjoy life and just let everything fall in place. i wasted all those years worrying, fearing and all that bullshit when i could have been a happy camper or at least find some serenity with myself. so how many years later, 2011. i'm doing that. i don't care what happens. i'm going to jerk off, i'm going to live life, i'm not going to invite you prick ass marks to be annoying or whatever to me. fuck ya. i'm just gonna chill. i'm going to get me up out of here, get a job, start to fall back and let whatever be be. shit.. i gotta play some trammell starks. one thing that i can say to anybody that's reading this is that always stay cool and not let motherfuckers heat you up because when you're on fire, you can burn or fade away. fuck that shit. i'm trying to be easy. 1

ever seen a picture of a tissue that somebody used to bust a nut into after they finished jerking off????

2011-08-16T21:24:00.001-04:00

fresh out of my dick into the tissue in my room.

look very closely.

on thursday, i was chilling with my homeboy at the pizza shop when the morgue van was there

2011-08-15T12:32:00.000-04:00

and for some reason, the two medical examiner worker motherfuckers that were eating there were eyeing me up like "we're going to see you very soon". you know what i'm saying like they were giving me, "we're looking forward to pick your body up one of these days, motherfucker". i gave them the "fuck you" look right back at them motherfuckers. this isn't final destination 5 or 6, bitch and i'm not a part of the show. when it's my time to go, it's time to go BUT don't anticipate my death and shit. the fucked up thing about it was it was some older black guys too and they know that a lot of young black males are dropping dead nowadays. statistically speaking, i'm supposed to die before 25th birthday which i'm about a month and how many days shy of. i hope i can be able to laugh in their face and say... surprise bitch. i'm not dead yet.

this is why i spaz on my brother and shit. dude is fucking up.

2011-08-15T00:40:00.000-04:00

man.... well.. i have to deal with myself, my brother who seems to have his mind on the wrong shit and my crazy ass father that also on some bullshit.

so first off, myself. i'm pretty much moody and shit. annoyed or whatever the fuck. you know.. i have issues. i acknowledge i have issues. i must be looking sad, mad, or whatever negative facial expression i have. i don't deny that i feel that way BUT one thing though.... when people see my face, i guess they take it the wrong way because the way they look @ me is all negative, all mean, all serious and shit like that. either it's me or they're just being assholes and you know what, it wouldn't surprise me if they were nothing but punk ass pricks anyway. but that's something else i want to touch on. i don't know what it is. i'm sorry but i hate to bring this up but fuck it, i'm going to. i notice how some of the white people that come into my job. they act funny towards me. it's like when they see me.. especially half of the white women, mainly the young ones, they acted REALLY weird towards me. almost like scared, frightened, rude, mean like. they were looking at me like i did something to them or some shit. FUCK THEM. to me... i found myself getting really heated like, yo.. i didn't do anything to you, bitch. why the fuck are you looking and treating me like i did something to your ass? for real.... i mean, i try to avoid shit but if a motherfucker is looking at me like he has a problem or is acting really weird around me and shit, i'ma just fall back into that zone where i want to either a.) get on my defensive b.) start to tense up on some "try me" shit c.) get ready to wild out. that's just who i am. even if i may appear to be cool and calm, if someone rubs me the wrong way, in some shape or form, you better believe i'm angry with em. but i HATE that shit though.. i don't get it. you know.. i hate to take it there but i feel as if they act towards me like that because i'm black. there i said it. i feel that me being black makes them act all weird and funny towards me because they'll act a certain way which is like rude, weird, almost like they don't want to deal with you. you can see it on their face, through their attitudes and shit and yo.. i just feel like saying fuck you to them because what the fuck i ever do to them? i never disrespected them. i never said shit to them. i don't even know em or care to know em BUT yet they're barking at me on some disrespectful shit so what the fuck am i supposed to do. i don't give a fuck where they come from. if you're getting at me on some shit, then i'ma get back at you on some bullshit. don't care WHO you are. with them, i honestly feel there's no inbetween or shades of gray because if you have a prob with me, you're really not going to show your face somewhere. nawmean.. you're going to bounce. for real.... so i feel like i'm dealing with some folks that are either conciously or unconciously showing their racism out because i really can't think of any other way around that shit or they're just plain out assholes that need to fucking get the fuck out of my face.

okay..... now my brother. dude is wilding right now. like i've said before. he's had that car and his ass doesn't really care about his car like that to begin with because he would be taking much better care of that shit. he says he's broke but somehow he's quick to run around doing bullshit like what he did today and yesterday. on friday, i told him that his back lights aren't working. well.. the one on the right. dude already had an attitude and here his ass is gonna give me an attitude, the same shit like when i warned his ass before he crashed into my mom's car 5 years ago. i tell him 'yo... you need to get your back light fixed. it's fucked up" and dude brushes what i said off on some bullshit like whatever, fuck you. so flash today, my father and me are going home in my brother's car. the police pulled us over and shit. my father who i will talk about in a minute was busy acting erratic, crazy and belligerent over a simple discussion about me waiting on the stairs of somewhere while waiting for a ride. according to him, the police will harass me because i'm breaking in when all i'm just doing is just sitting waiting for dude who pretty much seems to not understand something and wants to do whatever the fuck he wants to do with somebody elses shit. so he's flipping out, tripping over something so small, he's getting angry and tells me that "i'm arguing with him" which is funny because he's the one who's arguing, yelling at me and shit over nothing. so dude starts getting hyped and shit asking the cop "why did you pull me over?" "why did you pull me over?" the police officer already had a stern voice and an attitude and shit. nawmean... so my father wasn't making the situation any better with his hyped up ness and his tone. so the police officer and him clashed. so my father's pretty much once again, getting hyper, wilding out, getting angry and the whole nine and i was like "oh boy.. this dude is pretty much bugging out at a time that he doesn't need to be". bad enough, dude was throwing his arms up and wilding out prior to him being pulled over with the cops behind him like a fool. he gets a ticket for my brother's fuck up because i warned him about that shit and he brushed it off and now he's acting like it's not serious. he should have never had this car in the first place. for real.

and dude is fucking up though. man... there's some shit that he does which are dumb and the thing is... he just doesn't see what the fuck he's doing. for example, dude goes to the club with his boy who drinks mad shit before he goes to the club and his boy drives there. his boy gets more alcohol in him and he lets him drive back to the club. i'm like yo... are you serious? are you stupid? dude just does dumb shit and when you talk to him, it flies over his head. i'm basically saying shit that he's supposed to be thinking about and worrying about like the damn back lights in his car that went out.

and my father.. dude really pissed me off this weekend. on saturday, dude woke me up 10 times over DUMB SHIT. DUMB SHIT. first dude wakes me up telling me to call my mom to buy ham for his ass like a little kid. i'm like yo are you serious? you're going to wake me out of my sleep for this shit? can't you go buy the ham yourself? dude is 64 years old and acting like this. i got mad. i was like are you serious? i go back to sleep or at least i tried to, dude decides to go to the nearest corner store where something happened. i forgot what happened and he comes back and wakes me up telling me what i happened. i'm like i'm trying to fucking sleep. then about 30 minutes later, dude wakes me back up trying to give me 50 dollars for whatever reason. i don't know why he gave me 50 dollars to begin with since he might need the money and he usually is broke but dude gave me 50 dollars over some small time lottery winnings shit. i try to go back to sleep. next thing you know.. this dude is singing all over here right next to my door, woke me up again, walking around trying to be a fucking annoyance and i was getting mad. my mom had to tell him to shut up since he kept on waking me up with his noise. then dude goes out only to lock himself out of here and he bangs on the door yelling my name... so i got up again. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? i got mad as fuck and i told my mom about his ass and why the fuck he keeps on fucking waking me up and what the fuck is wrong with him? for real... this is why i'm not a fan of my father at all. he does a lot of bullshit and he has some superego shit to top it off where he's right and you're wrong. he can't see his mistakes because he feels he does none. all the time he wastes his money on the lottery instead of saving, he feels he's right of doing what he did. even when dude was flipping out and shit awhile saying how he should have got off with a warning, i'm like "dude, you can get pulled over and get a ticket for that". i don't know why he feels he's special or whatever. dude has a superior sense of self compared towards others. he likes to put himself above others to the point where he lies about shit. that's why i call his ass a sociopath because he has all the signs towards that shit. he does fucked up shit and has no remorse, he seems to take pride being a control freak and tries to get under people's skin because that's what he likes to do. dude is fucked up. if you listen to him, he'll paint himself as this guy that can do no more, has no flaws, and does everything right but when you look at him and what he does... it's the complete opposite.

trojanman/pazzy/the guy behind this screenname, blog or whatever the fuck would like to say FUCK YOU right now.

2011-08-13T23:52:00.000-04:00

you know... i honestly don't feel like being bothered with people or pretending. i'm annoyed right now. irritated. i really can't be bothered to deal with anybody's shit or anybody right now. why you ask? i thought about it last night. i was like what the fuck? this shit is corny. i don't give a fuck about this, that, the fifth and whatever the hell. i need to do something new, something refreshing. i'm tired of this repetitive shit. I AM TIRED OF THIS REPETITIVE SHIT. in other words, i don't feel like being involved with this shit anymore. don't feel like posting on sohh. i don't feel like doing the same shit. why because it's fucking annoying. man..... feeling like this makes me wish i could fall back with the weed. that's why i was smoking in the first place. to get away from this shit. to get away from this. living like this was unbearable and it still is. i don't feel like complaining and i damn sure don't feel like doing this. if i feel like it, i'll come back. fuck this.

this scene from beyond scared straight always cracks me up

2011-08-13T00:40:00.001-04:00

aomebody was nice enough to put it on youtube through the camera phone.

i love the beat to this shit.

2011-08-12T23:52:00.000-04:00

this shit is SICK. yo... if i had some shit like fruit loops or whatever the fuck, i'd sample the first seconds of the song with that sick ass piano loop along with the guitar riff. that shit is SICK AS FUCK. when i first heard the song like a year ago, i thought something really bad happened to his son like he had cancer or something like that. but i later found out that his son has autism and that's what the song was about. he did a music video about that shit for an autism foundation.

sick song regardless. his joint wasn't all that though. a huge downgrade compared to love for sale and his first shit. that was incredibly fucked up how interscope did him in. love for sale shoulda been out. shit woulda changed the r&b shit like how voodoo did.

this song that leaked for detox >>>>>>>>> i need a doctor and kush

2011-08-12T03:28:00.002-04:00

this should have been a single. as funny as this song is with the hook, dre's funny ass lyrics and the random singing in the middle of the song "what's my nnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" this shit is actually something that would be knocking in clubs, cars, and all over the radio. SMH. why dre had to delete it?

bahahahaha.... sheep noises bahahahahahaha.....

2011-08-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

okay enough of that shit.

so i had this weird ass idea in my head about ihop or whatever restaurant has that chicken and waffles thing going on. i know bone thugs n harmony is now only 3 people with the bone brothers and bizzy bone. let's say that krazyie and wish join back with the group. let's say ihop decided to start selling chicken and waffles on some special shit. then bone thugs did a commercial where they flipped the crossroads song into chicken and waffles.

like... the song began with rum rum rum rum rum... what you gonna do when there ain't no where to run when hunger comes for you, hunger comes for you, what you gonna do when where there ain't no where to hide when hunger comes for you cause it's gonna come for you..

uhhhh... i can feel it all in my body, hunger panging gotten all my body
just farted on the bus and i'm sickening everybody
saw a ipod sign right on the street, happy hour after 3

i don't feel like writing the lyrics and shit..

then the hook goes like.. chicken and waffles, when you get hungry.. have chicken and waffles, when you get hungry....

i can imagine the comercial and shit. they have ted williams saying "ihop new chicken and waffles" and then panning an ihop restaurant with lightning in the background with a cloudy sky. that would be the shit.

i'm tired of my brother being a fucking dumbass, busy playing stupid fucking games with serious shit.

2011-08-10T19:36:00.001-04:00

don't know what's going on in that brain of his but he's pushing it beyond the point of patience right.

his ass got a car 5 years ago with the help of my mother. she felt that he needed the car to do whatever he has to do and knowing him, he pretty much took advantage of that to do what he had to do and at the same time was bullshitting around. he would pretty much do things that were pretty much unneeded at the time and was fucking up. you know.. it's even worse that he doesn't even treat his car right or for the most part, gives a fuck about his car. i remember the day his ass was in a hurry to get up out of here.. this was like 5 years ago... and his ass fucking crashed into my mother's car while he reserved. the thing about this which REALLY pissed me off was i straight up told him that he was too close to the car. i like many times in his life trying to be a good brother watched out for his ass. yes, i looked out for his ass and like an asshole, he ignored me, gave me an attitude and told me to even though not in these words "to go fuck myself" when i was trying to save his ass from a serious problem. what did he do? he crashes into my mother's car. fucked her car up and fucked his then brand new car up. his shit wasn't even 6 months old and he fucking dented that shit up like a jackass. instead of taking the full responsibility that he fucked up and trying to fix the matter, he blamed my mom and my dad for arguing beforehand and making him mad and nervous and that was the reason why he crashed the car. FUCKING JACKASS. that's the thing about my brother, he blames people for his fuck ups instead of just owning up to that shit.

so after all these other situations with his car and shit.. it took him like i believe a good while before he decided to fix the bumper to his ride and even so.. he really didn't care too much about that shit because they did a half assed job on the bumper and he didn't seem to care or notice. my mom was the one that pointed it out for him. we now have another predictament. i don't know if it had to do with some people jacking the hub caps off his car or if some shit happened to his whip that we don't know about because he's one of those secretive types where he doesn't like to share shit with us even if it's really important and might effect us. just like how my father does. like father, like son. the right wheel of his car is wobbling like a motherfucker and his car has a shitload of troubles from the lights of the insides of his car not functioning right to that wheel alignment being messed up. my mother, my father and me all notice that his car isn't acting right and him as the car owner, what does he do? he doesn't seem to notice that there's a fucking problem with his car. well.. he notices that his car is shaking because of his right wheel but what does this motherfucker tell me how many minutes ago when i sat down in his room and told him that his car was shaking, rattling, and rolling on the highway when i was driving it. "no... it's not a wheel alignment problem, no, the brakes are fine, the wheels are fine". like damn... this dude goes to cheap ass auto mechanics and thinks that they know how to fix his shit up right. i mean.. dude is busy rolling around in his car dropping all this money towards fixing the shit and they're not even doing a good job with that shit. i told him just to go back to the dealership and get his shit checked out. this dude wants to play smartass, one of his usual things, "i know what's wrong with the car" and think that's going to save his shit when his car is still fucked up, a ticking time bomb that's going to get fucked up.

you know something. i sometimes feel like smacking my brother upside the fucking head because he acts like he has no fucking sense. dude will be riding around in his car while it's all fucked up and shit then be blowing his money towards some women he's trying to hook up with or tossing around some money on some dumb shit like this one chick that he wanted to get with but she ended up playing his ass out, he still was friends with her after that shit and busy looking out for her and the baby she had for this other jerk off. he actually went to her baby shower. (me, personally, i wouldn't even speak to that bitch anymore after she played me out like that and after i was putting in all that time, all that energy into getting with her, taking her to the dance club, babysitting her drunk ass 7 in the morning and shit) same thing with this other chick where he's playing babysitter with her kid and all this bullshit (at one point he was trying to be her fitness instructor and he wasn't even getting paid for that shit. getting up 5 in the morning to help this chick out but at the same time, when it came to any of us, he won't do the same shit or he has to think about it before he does it). he doesn't seem to have his fucking head on straight and the thing is... with the shit that he does... he's doing it with serious shit. i remember saying awhile back on here how his ass almost fucked up our new years eve plans by trying to take the same chick that he's friends now that played his ass out to some damn club when she had a fucking boyfriend sitting at home.. the same guy that got her pregnant and is her baby's father. i wanted to smack the shit out of him for a stupid ass idea. the thing about it too that pissed me off is he wanted us to come along with him and his stupid ass idea inviting us into the bullshit situation that he was in. i'm like are you serious, man? why the fuck are you getting me involved in your girl problems. you busy risking your life for a chickenhead ho that has no sense.

now his ass is playing the same bullshit with his car. i told him straight up that i'll pay to get his shit done at the dealership so we can get this shit off our shoulders. he doesn't know if there's a problem with the car despite him fronting like he does and it would just be a smart move to go back to the dealership, let them see what's wrong with the car, if there is a recall going on since it's a toyota and toyota has had some problems with it's cars in the past how many months, and i will go pay for that shit so he can breathe a little better since i know he's probably going to do some bullshit instead of taking care of the matter. he wants to fuck around and play games. he's talking about getting it fixed next week friday for the brakes (once again, he's guessing what the problem is) so i'm just going to give him two options. either his ass takes the car to the dealership and sees what's good with it or i'll do it myself because i'm not trying to die in that death trap because he wants to be a fucking jackass.

well, this is one train that shoulda derailed.

2011-08-10T15:16:00.003-04:00

FUCKING BITCH ASS HIPSTERS. i don't hate hipsters but they're still an annoying bunch.

well.... about some years ago, i see that 14 days in may documentary...

2011-08-10T01:45:00.003-04:00

and this is the follow up to that shit. it was filmed in 1988.

i'm not gonna bother posting the first 3 parts but i'm gonna post the last part to this shit.

basically, a police sheriff in mississippi was merked. someone gets executed even though there's doubt that he killed the sheriff or not. this is some sad shit, yo.

man.... trill talk, nowadays the general public has no respect for life period.

2011-08-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

you know... coming from the northeast side of things on the map, you see all types of weird shit. weird shit indeed.

but you know... yesterday, i was doing my usual rounds on the computer when i read that the notorious wannabe bodybuilder, zyzz, died from having a heart attack in a sauna in thailand at the age of 22. now, knowing that this guy is a narcissist and i'm not talking about just anybody who is self centered. i'm talking about a guy that seriously has that narcissist personality disorder where they are into themselves beyond the healthy range of normal. they engage in weird behaviors, they have are extremely overconfident and think everything is about them and nothing but them. this guy was the poster child for it. he would make videos of himself and his narcissist ass cronies dancing around in clubs, showing themselves off, appearing at events in their underwear, shirtless basically on some "look @ us, look how strong we are, we're beautiful and you're not". basically letting their muscles inflate their ego to the point where it was extremely disturbing. it also didn't help that these guys were abusing steroids and seem to be proud of that shit where they were selling that shit to people over the internet. you know... if that's one thing about working out and the bodybuilding community is that there's a lot of people like that guy or those people. people that overvalue themselves to the point where they're out of touch with reality. they think that the whole world revolves around them and everyone should bow down in their presence. and when i say these people think they're the best, they literally believe that shit where they go out their way for you to acknowledge them and their presence. they want you to stop what you're doing, they're block traffic like what zyzz literally did and dance in the street like a crackhead half naked showing off their body like "look @ me, i am the best, i'm so great that i stopped traffic for you to acknowledge me". it's disturbing how an activity that is supposed to prolong your life and is supposed to keep you healthy, well for most people, could be used as a self destructive device.

self destruction can come in many forms. it can come from overeating, overindulgence, undereating, underindulgence, etc.. too little or too much of something could kill you. if you don't drink enough water, you can die. if you drink too little water, you can also die. when it comes to bodybuilding and exercise, insecurity is a huge issue. in society all across the world, people are taught from the womb to "live for the moment" in different ways. they're told that by 18, they should be out of their parents home and off to college where they get drunk, go out to parties, engage in sexual activity and the whole nine.. they're told that that's "being an adult". at the same time, they're told that they have to have a car, a place, money, a job and etc. if you're not doing exactly that at 18, you're seen as a failure in society. as sad as it sounds, this is the american reality that i grew up in. when i was 18, i wasn't drinking, nor was i out partying, nor was i out driving around to the club or wilding out. i was living in my parent's home and own parents, well my mom, was spreading the same message that these people spread "you should be living in a dorm and moving on with your life".

now see... all these things deal with momentary stuff. at 18, most people have no idea about responsibility and about consequences to irresponsibility and how you can basically ruin and even lose your life as a result of that. you know.... you have people that figure that... "okay, i'm drunk as hell, i'll drive home just one time drunk and i'll never do it again." then they end up in a car wreck disfigured or whatever. fuck it... even something so simple as driving a car can become a life threatening activity depending on who is driving the car. this is a real popular thing around here. people that love speeding and driving wrecklessly as long as they get to where they have to go. it just amazes me how crazy someone will drive out here where they are switching lanes wrecklessly on a busy highway just to go to ??????? it's disturbing. like for real.. is it worth risking your life or anybody's life for that matter to go to somewhere that you're going to reach to whether it's 5 or 20 minutes from now. you're going to be there BUT you might not be there if you don't chill and be PATIENT. PATIENCE is a virtue and trust me, if you don't have PATIENCE, you will be very disappointed with life. that's with everything. you will NOT make it at all.

now to come back to full circle with the bodybuilding, living for the moment, patience and everything. i saw the threads of zyzz before he was using roids and he was a skinny guy just like me. he looked malnuritioned, undeveloped and i guess because he looked that way, he felt to himself that he wanted to change. i'm guess he was also teased for not looking a certain way or being a certain way so he used the gym to change that. along the way, he was having problems getting big being an ectomorph. i can relate so he was getting frustrated. now here's the thing about patience. dude couldn't take another year of still looking skinny so he starts using steroids and in a year, he's looking muscular and ripped or whatever. the thing is.. dude could have reached the same goal without the roids if he was PATIENT enough to keep going to the gym and wait. there's nothing wrong with waiting. you'll be okay, it's that you just have to wait til it's your time. he didn't want to do that. like many other bodybuilders he wanted the here and now results that these companies and business people such as p90x present all the time. see the thing is he got the results but it would come at a price. and despite what people are saying about him having a crazy physique or whatever, it damaged him because what he became was a weak person who had muscles. now either he's dead or he seriously has a mental disorder for lying about his death BUT he's an example of what happens when you have no respect for life period. you make choices that are nice for now but will hurt you later. to all the people that like to drive wreckless and end up in the car accidents, to all the people that like to get high then end up with a serious drug habit later where they need help, to all the people that fuck all the time then end up with some incurable diseases or kids they can't feed all stressing themselves out. there's a consequence for living fast.

you have people on here that make fun of me being a virgin and shit but trill talk, being a virgin beats having a bunch of kids that i can't take care of or a disease that i can't get rid of. i'm not saying that abstinence is something that i enjoy and that i don't want to have sex BUT when i think about it, would i rather be a virgin or would i rather end up in a situation where i wish that i was what i am now? i know there's people outthere that WISH they would have waited.. some that will admit it and some that won't admit it because it hurts them so bad inside, it's like... "i would die to be a virgin again because it now means something to me". you know what i'm saying... to me, i would rather live for the future then live for the moment. you know.. there's nothing wrong with waiting and being patient. somebody said this shit... if you chase pussy, sex, it's going to run away from you. that's very true. that's why a lot of players might as well become police detectives from the amount of chasing they do.

watching this mtv true life episode on marijuana is making me upset...

2011-08-09T01:41:00.000-04:00

THAT I CAN'T SMOKE WEED WITHOUT GETTING FUCKED UP.

i cannot handle weed just like i can't handle looking at that crazy ass hippie with her big ass nose, lying ass bitch. i could tell she's lying from the size of her nose. it just annoys me how such a beautiful looking plant with all those crystals (at times, when i'm at barnes and nobles and there's a high times magazine there. i'll occasionally look at it and see all the spreads with the plants out with the wonderful variation of colors and crystals.) it pisses me off that whenever i smoke, the world i enter into is a world that i am terrified of. the last time i got fucked up when i hit that pipe i copped, i was outthere yo. zoned out. the first time i hit that shit, i felt that shit. it was like june or whatever. i was zoned out. went outside to smoke and i found myself stumbling back in trying to figure out where i was and what time of day it was. shit was crazy. i found myself eating the dinner i copped for the whole family. ate that shit and then.. it was the same day.. june 3rd or 4th where the new coldplay joint came out. it was a friday. i found myself licking the computer screen real, real close like. i didn't lick the computer screen BUT shit.. i was licking the air and shit. like the distance where i'm sitting at and where i'm at really, really close like. i was singing every teardrop is a waterfall and i was analyzing the words coldplay. then i found myself running to bed where i was humping the bed and doing all kinds of shit. i was high for about how many hours before i came back down to earth and went to work the next day.

the next time i got high wasn't that bad. i was singing songs from blink 182 and shit like that and my homeboy was just zoning out. i just was wilding out and he was trying to feel the high. haha... word up. the next time which would be the final time i would get high til ?????? i found myself wilding the FUCK out yo. i was chilling with my homeboy and soon i lost touch with reality. i was seriously thinking like oh shit.. am i smoking weed right now? am i a human? is this real life? or shit... am i high right now?? i couldn't believe it. i seriously couldn't believe it yo. i took off my shirt so that the weed wouldn't smell on my clothes and i had a dumbass idea where i would go back home and put the weed pipe back in my room. my mom wanted me to help her with something on the computer involving this class she was taken and it was some attachment on the computer. i was so fucked up that i couldn't find the link and i was paranoid as fuck that she would suspect i was on something and would pull my card right then and there. the craziest thing is after i was fucking fiddling with the links on her email not having the single idea what i was doing and trying to gain a sense of time and space, she didn't have a single idea that i was actually high. she told me to call my brother instead who was outside waiting in the car with my homeboy who was fucked up and he did what he had to do with her thing and then we cruised to the mall. i was supposed to whip that dude on sohh's ass that day but i was busy getting lifted with my homeboy and i was fucked up beyond belief where i was really feeling it. i couldn't feel shit. i seriously couldn't feel shit. my senses were shot. like the other time i was high with my homeboy, my skin felt numb and super tingly. it felt weird and all. i also kept farting a lot. i was zoned the fuck out yo. ZONED OUT. to make it worse, i was all out in public at some spot fucked up as i was not even all there. that was the worst feeling ever. THE ABSOLUTE WORSE. it reminded me of that time in toronto when i was lifted out of my mind and running around scared for my life. you know.. the thing that fucked me up about this shit was that unlike the other times where i was fucked up, my senses came back to me. this time, i was fucked up for like a month or two. i was seriously trying to come back to my senses. it was like i was questioning if everything that happened to me or was happening to me REALLY did happen yo. it was that bothersome to me. i found myself sleeping thinking that i would wake up and come back to my original state before i smoked that shit. oh man... now i'm fine. i know where i'm at. i'm back in the groove where i was before. you know... the thing about the time where i smoked, i kind of see things a little differently but then i don't. i'm a lot madder than i am before because i'm realizing how much things are bullshit and how much things are.

but yo... when i smoked weed for the first time in 2007, i thought that it would calm me down. it would make me happy. it would make the pains and aches of life go away momentarily. unfortunately, that didn't happen. i got a little buzzed the first time, the second time i didn't feel shit, and the third time was the toronto shit. oh man.... i'm upset that i can't smoke weed like that because i bug out. i must be predisposed to some mental illness or whatever because i cannot get weeded out without being terrified.

alright.... just heard watch the throne by jay and kayne and.... this is going to be the quickest review i will ever do an album

2011-08-08T02:25:00.001-04:00

okay... someone put a link to that shit. i have to say to myself that "i told you so". JAY CANNOT MAKE A DUO ALBUM WITH ANYBODY TO SAVE HIS LIFE. i knew this shit was going to happen. i just knew it. that shit he did with r kelly was TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE. this album that he did with kayne... alright, check it out. i downloaded the shit, i didn't buy it.. i did what any reasonable person would do and downloaded that shit for free before i decided to buy it or not. so i started browsing the album to hear and right away i was disappointed. disappointed. went from the first, second, third, fourth, fifth track.. each of them sounded worse than the other. i didn't even bother to hear everything in it's entirety. i was like fuck this shit. i'm done.. i'm done. i just stopped, deleted everything and threw it in the recycle bin.

this is a first. the music was so bad that it made me cringe. it actually made me cringe. i was like wow. i most definitely not going to even bother listening to the whole thing. not even hating. the shit really is that bad.

the only time jay should be a collab album is with nas. not kayne, not r kelly, not with memphis bleek, not with rocafella. i would rather hear a nas and jay album together than hear both of them put out anymore solo projects because they suck at putting solo albums now. it would actually help their careers out and make people take them seriously since they are becoming old men and walking jokes.

man... so i'm not feeling in a good mood right now at all.

2011-08-07T15:07:00.000-04:00

feeling extra down and like i don't want to be bothered. i really don't feel like it. man.... i'm mad at myself for one. very mad with myself. you know..... angry. i'm like fuck it. fuck this, fuck this shit. i really don't feel like talking to anybody, don't really feel like talking with family, homies or whatever. like leave me the fuck alone.

at this moment of time, i don't feel like talking about the same old problems i have nor do i feel like talking about my motherfucking business right now. i don't. i don't feel like having people tell me what i should do, when i should do it, how i should do it, and whatever the fuck else. i'm tired of hearing what other people's opinions are. like at times, i like feedback and there's times like right now where i don't want to hear shit from anybody's mouth. not a fucking sound, not a fucking word, NOTHING.

my mom is saying that i shouldn't be chilling in this room and mingling with people. i don't fucking feel like talking with people or dealing with people, okay. fuck everybody. if i want to jerk off, cry in my room, be upset, be angry with myself, be depressed, wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and the whole fucking nine, let me do that in peace. i don't have a car where i can go away from a whole entire week away from everybody around here and i'm trying not to explode or spaz off or go off on somebody around here so i'm going to try to manage my feelings and what i want to do in the best way without exposing my shit out to the public and shit. i'm also sick and tired of people trying to get up in my fucking business too. mind your fucking business. stop asking me if i'm sad, stop asking me why i'm mad, stop asking me these stupid fucking questions. all you want to do is basically get up in my shit for no fucking reason. okay, leave me the fuck alone.

it's 1:33 in the morning and i just wanna say

2011-08-06T01:36:00.001-04:00

that I LOVE PORN!!!!!!!! well, what i jerked off to is more of a fetish but damnit... I LOVE PORN!!! LOVE IT!!! i also love MASTURBATION!!!! with both, where would i be wihtout these. oh man... my dick feels great right now. a quick wank was all it took. shit... when i wake up later on today, i'll jerk off some more until i reach orgasm and i jizz all over the place... in a tissue, on myself by accident.. SHIT, I LOVE PORN AND MASTURBATION. I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT.

the number of age is starting to set on me. i'm getting too old for this shit.

2011-08-05T02:28:00.000-04:00

i said that i felt like 18 yesterday to my homeboy. some hours later when i was about to go to the bar with him, i started to realize that the place we were about to go to wasn't for us. it wasn't made for us to begin with to be honest with you because the type of people that stay at these places are way different. they have a different mentality, they are from a different world than us. they couldn't possibly understand where WE come from. they come from a sheltered lifestyle where they grow up expecting a certain life and dealing with certain people, closed minded folks that are not used to interacting with different people that come from different backgrounds. you can pretty much call them some racist motherfuckers. i hate to say this but it's a place that is frequented by a crowd of young white people. hate to say this but being two black men, they wouldn't deal with people like us just cause. well, most of them. not all of them but most of them wouldn't be able to deal with us because they don't want to deal with us. they have their minds made up about us before we even step in the club. my homeboy and me started to think about all the times we been to similar places and felt like outcasts. yep.... felt like outcasts that had no business in a place like that. so we decided to not support that place by saving our money for the coverage charge and not going. we both agreed that we didn't have the time or the patience to deal with a whole bunch of bullshit because that's what a place like that is. we were too grown for that shit. maybe some years back when we started doing that shit, it was cool BUT now it's like.. what the fuck is this? i damn sure didn't want to get wasted to the point where i'm dancing like an idiot trying to convince myself that i'm having a good time where i'm a place where girls won't conversate with me. HELL NO. i don't need that.

i had the strangest, craziest idea... proof that i need to jerk off more...

2011-08-04T14:28:00.000-04:00

i'm thinking about doing this seriously.. well, actually i'm just playing. i'll never do this when i'm sober though..

i'm going to go to the nearest dunkin donut.. buy me a jelly donut or a glaze donut with a big ass hole. you know.... then i'm going to try to shove or squeeze that shit around my dick. i might have to cut a bigger hole depending on how they cut the donut. then on one of those hot days, i'm going to get drunk... pissy drunk or if i'm one in those "i'm so excited and i just can't hide, i'm about to lose my mind and i think i like, i want to, i want to" movements. i'm going to run up on a fat female police officer or just a plain police officer than i'm going to pull my pants down exposing my dick with the donut around it and tell the officer to come and yell either "deez nuts" or "come and get these donuts off of my dick" and i'm going to have somebody video tape this shit while it goes down like "yeah, yeah, that's the stuff" and youtube it. i want to see the reaction. i'll probably get locked up for public nudity but it would be funny. i would have to do it with an erection though. no way in hell that would work with a limp dick.

but trill talk, i should roll up with that on a prostitute and say.. this is 20 dollars worth of donuts.. you get to eat and suck my dick at the same time. let me end some nut with that jelly. i know they can't resist. never fucked a prostitute before or anybody for that matter but a cool idea is a cool idea. i need to stop.

haven't jerked off since yesterday afternoon because i'm bored but lemme say this though.

2011-08-04T14:07:00.000-04:00

i always noticed that people have to find some sort of way to make themselves better than everyone else and it's really dumb. "oh. i'm smarter than you. oh. i have my muscles than you. oh. my face is prettier than yours. oh, i have more money than you." then you have people such as myself who are debbie downers, people that beat themselves up for no reason on some inferior complex shit. "oh, i'm a dumbass. oh, i'm weaker than you. oh. i'm ugly. oh, i'm a broke motherfucker". MAN, WHO GIVES A FUCK!!!! broke or rich, strong or weak, whatever the fuck it is.. you're just another human being on this earth. just another body. there's a million people outthere. you ain't shit. i don't care if you're famous, if you're rich, if you're poor, if you're a bum, if you living off hoop dreams, NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FUCK! hell... i don't give a flying fuck. we're all going to die, we were born at some point in time and as far as i'm concern, just live your life. no need to be better or worse than the next man. just be you.

i just had to say that because last time, i was lurking the bodybuilding forums and i was getting disgusted at the overconfidence, the patheticness, the whole "mirin', you jelly" and all this stupid ass slang which basically is no different than the inferior complex denom that is killing me. i mean.. everybody is insecure with themselves in some shape or form. there has to be a balance though. if you're too secure with yourself, you start to get out of touch with reality where you think you're the best thing ever and make fatal mistakes. you start to engage in risky activities and behaviors that will only lead to you getting fucked up. if you're too insecure with yourself, you won't be happy or satisified with whatever comes your way no matter how good it is. for example, all the people outthere that have cosmetic surgery all the time. michael jackson (r.i.p) is a perfect example. his face showed his insecurity with himself. no form of surgery, body modification or whatever could correct that shit. all that was there was a man who was unhappy with himself that was looking for a cure that didn't exist.

you know... it's disgusting. human beings are the most interesting features in the whole universe because we basically make and break a lot of shit that really is nothing. our brains are really what makes the shit. i mean.... whoever came up with religion or the bible, the quran, the torah, or whatever is a fucking genius because no offense to anybody in here that reads this, this is my opinion, please respect it, but unless there is someone that confirms the shit, all of those shits are fairy tales. you know... fairy tales. people have actually lived and died off that shit. people make laws off of that shit. people revolve their lives around those books and there is NO proof, NO validity behind those books. NONE. someone wrote them and put it outthere and people took that shit literally. i am still curious to knowing when did this started. it's just amazing to see how these shits pretty much have controlled humanity for years. to be honest with you, i think the key to solving most of the problems in the world would be to rid it of religion. we all are the same, it's that we always want to look for difference between each other so we can feel better about ourselves. it's disgusting. i mean... technically, all these differences are pretty much fucking similarities and such. communication is universal, it's that someone's language is different from that i speak but at the end of the day, we all are saying the same shit. we all have the same feelings, well... we pretty much experience the same emotions and shit. it's the same bullshit. it's funny how people get close together when some serious tragedy hits where everyone is affected then people realize that there really nothing different about people at all.

but in and all, you're going to live, you're going to die, you pretty much are living on borrowed time, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go, you might get a funeral, you might get a memorial service if you're lucky but at the end of the day, you're really nobody. life went on before you came, life went on while you're here and life will go on after you're gone. just enjoy life as you can so when you close your eyes and become a state of nothing where you don't know what the fuck happened before you were born into the world and shit... you can say that damn, i had a helluva life. now i'm about to jerk off because this is a sign that i haven't jerked off.

i'm glancing over parade magazine's second page and they're doing a memorial for this polar bear named kunt.

2011-08-03T17:20:00.000-04:00

well.... i don't know how to pronounce it properly. it's spelled knut but when i say it, it sounds like cunt. here's a picture of him.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

isn't he cute????? i sound like a bitch right now but fuck that... who said angry people can't have touching moments too. even though this doesn't touch my heart and make me cry. in fact, i could give a fuck about that polar bear. fuck him but what i really wanted to say is that... why the fuck they doing an rip to a fucking polar bear? what the fuck he do to deserve that?

but with that said.... i still have a soft spot for koala bears though in a man's best friend way (not in a sexual way for all you dirty minded people outthere) so without further a due.. some pictures of koala bears...

aiyo.. a motherfucker better watch what he/she say about my blog. be careful

2011-08-02T14:29:00.000-04:00

one day, you might run into me and i might pull a gun out and make you my bitch. i'm telling you. i will abduct you at gunpoint, beat you down, make you drink a cup of my piss to beg for your life and make you apologize for running your fucking mouth or saying some shit i don't like. for real... if somebody starts a fucking problem with me, says something about me that i don't like, gives me the wrong look, or basically does some shit that i don't like... i might hurt a motherfucker. on some real shit, i might just get a bottle or whatever and smash it across their fucking head. that's how i feel. i feel like hurting, killing anybody that fucking has a problem with me. we'll see who wins when your ass is on the floor, bleeding, begging for your life, calling the police saying that i fucked you up. personally, i've been holding myself back from a long time from doing something stupid to somebody. you know because i have those homicidal thoughts going on. you know so just imagine how i feel. every time someone gives me a funny stare or a look, can you imagine where my head is at? it's like... "who the fuck are you looking at? this person has a problem with me. i want to kill this bitch or i hope this motherfucker dies". you know what i'm saying? it might not even be like that. you know because i too look at people the wrong way and i don't even mean to. you know what i'm saying. but then again, from my experiences with people, my head is fucked up because i don't know if someone is with me or against me or is neither, you know. i've had so much enemies over petty shit and nothing. people that been out to hurt me when i was a kid over NOTHING. i didn't do shit to them. i thought they were playing because i couldn't believe that people would be out to hurt me or treat me like that over NOTHING. kids and adults. what did i do to be hated on or to be treated like shit or to have them mad at me? for years, i've struggled and tried to figure that out until i realize that either i start lashing out on anybody who i thought would be a threat to me or i would just ignore motherfuckers because you can't win with people. some people will love you no matter what and some people will hate you no matter what. i haven't gotten to that point in life where i can ignore everything that comes my way unfortunately. i haven't got there yet. i'm trying to but i haven't got there yet. i am still on that "if you got a problem with me or if i even think you got a problem with me, i'm going to get you". i'll make an example out of your ass so the next person knows what's up and gets the message that if they ever cross that line, i'll fuck them up too. i still have a lot of growing up to do. i haven't found that channel to push my anger into. that would explain why i'm so angry and been so angry for all these years and why i take petty things personally. you know... i'm a hostile dude because a motherfucker doesn't understand. it's not that i chose to be this way, it's not that i want to be mad and shit. it's that it's my only way of handling shit because the only way to handle shit would be through violence and honestly, maybe i should start doing that. people get the message real quick when someone gets beat up. then they start reasoning. when it's just words and shit, people have room to talk shit. when it's through violence, that's when people start thinking and shit. "maybe this person wasn't lying when he said that he really was going through some shit". man, sometimes i feel like just running up in some place full of people i don't like like the club or something like that and do some hostage situation. kill the bouncer or shoot the police with guns or some dating website headquarters or some message forum gathering and hold everybody hostage or better yet.. fuck that hostage shit. pull out some guns and rob everybody or pistol whip someone's head off their shoulders or whatever. basically hurt a motherfucker. i can't wait til the day i justifiable get to hurt someone and i could get away with it and then have the police on my side and a motherfucker can't do shit about it. fuck with me and i'll kill you and your whole family.

fucking weird ass dreams

2011-07-31T13:00:00.000-04:00

first i have a dream where i'm getting picked up from work by my father and he''s on his way to ?????? and this crazy ass driver in a old ass cadillac almost runs into the back of us and turns on another street that is forked to the right of the street we're driving on and speeds away. you know.... i heard the screeching noise and then i hear that speeding noise.

but that's not the weirdest part of the dream though. the weirdest part was my bro, my mom, and me were walking around some ghetto ass area. it was hot as fuck outside so we were looking to cool off. we were walking around the business area, pass this office building, then the hotel, then we cross the street and then we see this dirty ass swimming pool. adjacent to that dirty ass swimming pool was another one which was cool and happened to be soapy as fuck. so next thing you know.. we climb the fence to go into the swimming pool and somehow my mom jumps in and tells us to stay our asses out because we can't swim. to top it off, she looked a lot younger when she jumped out the pool then when she jumped in. i was creeped out. like WHAT THE FUCK? mom, you look young as fuck like she was 22 or something like that. so she hops out the pool and we end up walking into some dirty ass road right by some project buildings. we're walking around and everything. then next thing you know, i had the strong urge to relieve myself so i'm looking around for the bathroom. the next thing i know, i see some old ass church which became a factory that eventually became abandon. it was all falling apart and there was a huge hole in the roof. i see that there's a sign that says restroom. my mom, me and this lady who i never seen before in my life walk in there. i walk in and this shit looked creep as fuck. pissed into this urinal but when it came time to wash my hands, i had trouble because the damn sinks didn't have soap but you could wash your hands in them and they didn't work. i managed to get soap somehow, one of those automatic soap dispensers and then i tried to wash my hands in the only working sink but the problem with that shit... the main problem was that the sink was made for tall people and i'm short. so i had to fucking tip toe to be able to get a little water in my hands. after that whole ordeal, i get out of there walking back to where we came from with my mom and me. i end up looking around and i'm like "is this america? this looks like a fucking third world country" or something like that. then i realized that i was in st. louis. shit looked like fucking jamaica. the inner parts of jamaica, not the resort. straight ghetto.

shit reminds me of that dream where i escaped that prison which i thought i was going to die in that hostage situation.

my stomach is fucking with me.. wtf??

2011-07-30T13:15:00.002-04:00

all this bullshit nervousness and whatever the fuck. dayum, my stomach is killing me. about to go take a shit. get this shit out of me and come down my motherfucking nerves. i feel like i need to drink some pepmo bismo or whatever. this is nothing new though. my stomach always fucking fucks with me yo. ALWAYS. that's one of my arch nemesis right there.

and i had a weird dream. had some weird dreams actually.

my first dream involved me, my bro, my homeboy, my mom, and my aunt all going overseas to japan or china. all i know is that we ran into this black man in dreads talking in chinese or whatever. i was like oh shit... "there's black people in china, japan, born and raised there?" someone, i think my mom or my brother said that "yeah, but they're a minority though. then we were in some german hotel or whatever the fuck right in the basement. then the phone.. this black phone in the hotel room we were in started to ring. it told me to warn everybody in the hotel that there was a gas leak and it was really dangerous and to warn everybody to not go to sleep and the dude heavily implied that it would be my fault if anybody died from the tone in his voice. i was shook. so i ran around warning everybody as much as possible. i started to look around for the hotel management and then boom... i find myself back in the states having a fight with my father talking about "yo.. i need the phone number for the hotel management to warn these people that there's a gas leak". somehow... my dream involved a fight between my brother or my father or r kelly, i don't remember. some indian couple having a stare off with some dude where it looked like the indian woman wanted to talk to the dude that was walking around with a damn bookbag or whatever. at one point i find myself in some.. i don't know how to describe it.. some abandoned warehouse area, i guess. it was a building.

then my dream went to my job and i noticed that i was taken off the schedule for the next week and a half. i assumed that i got fired or they were laying me off or releasing me for whatever reason. i kind of felt sad about that shit for some reason because i didn't have a fucking job to go to and i needed money. then at some point, the manager at my job said "you need to go back to school" and i was dealing with some confused prick who i had to take his order or whatever the fuck.

then i had a dream where i was watching music videos or i was chilling in the sty or whatever or brownsville, i don't remember where exactly but it was in the ghetto and then it was a different version of goodie mob's cell therapy video but then i look at everybody's who's rapping and i recognized t-mo goodie and khujo, i think but there was this long hair having white guy who was rapping one of the verses and i was like "this dude isn't in goodie mob". i woke up to find my arms stretched out above my head trying to wake myself up and here i am. i feel like i'm full of shit and i'm nervous about something.

last night or rather earlier this morning, i went to bed and there i was, getting sleepy and annoyed. i need to move out of here... but then again, i'm tired of repeating myself over and over again. fuck that shit.

but as of late though.. my dreams been getting weirder and weirder. the night before i was dreaming that i was at war with these crazy ass people that were flipping and jumping around like ninjas with fuckign boxcutters in their mouths and their hands trying to cut my throat or slash my neck and i had a boxcutter too trying to get my buck 50, throat cutter on too. i was jumping fences, running dodging and the craziest thing is it was me against these people. i don't think it was a battle royal free for all but i knew that these dudes wanted to fucking kill me. i was on that wu tang protect ya neck shit for real. i don't remember if i got my throat cut or if i cut one of them because i saw blood. i also saw a whip too... like one of those whips with multiple whips on a fucking handle or something like that. it was blue and i hit somebody with that shit or something like that.. and i guess i killed someone with that shit. one of those crazy ass boxcutter wielding niujas trying to kill me.

one thing is... at least i remembering my dreams and shit. that means that i'm getting good sleep.

haven't got around to posting this shit. it's old but fuck it. from walking to get puff cheesecake being hungry for a deal to this..

2011-07-29T14:09:00.001-04:00

what a difference 10 years makes????

i was looking around youtube for the episode where all those band members walked all the way from midtown to bk to juniors, i think it was closed by the time they got there, just to get puff some fucking cheesecake. LMAO! that shit is still funny. you know what would happen to them later on. puff like always pimped them and dismantled them like all the bands that were made by making the band. they were built to fail BUT.. one of the dudes that puff happened to keep signed and still owns his publishing and shit was ness. he had a small tiny buzz for a second.. well, you can't call it a buzz because that would mean many people are paying attention when there really isn't much people paying attention to him. but one day early this year, i was on that bullshit ass black hating site, worldstarhiphop.com, and they had this shit with ness sounding really desperate for a hit.

oh man... when i heard this shit, i was ROFL. like dayum, fam. you might as well not put out anything at all and kept battling people on youtube or whatever rap league you're apart. this shit is WACK. but then again, i never really thought ness was a good rapper to begin with and you have to be an idiot if you seriously think you have a future in the record industry with puff and on a show like that. they will gank you for every single penny you make. then again, that's how the music business stays alive. ganking artists for everything even if you're independent. you're better off selling cd's out the trunk if you want to get paid in full.

maybe i'm bored or i need to wack off or i need some sleep BECAUSE..

2011-07-29T01:27:00.000-04:00

i feel sad and don't want to admit this... lonely right now. SMH. i was just chilling out with my bro and my homeboy an hour ago. i guess.... i need to get laid, get some pussy or whatever. i feel alone right now and i'm feeling kind of sad thinking about this shit. it's funny how an hour ago, i was talking all freely, talking wild shit and the whole nine.. kinda was cracking up a bit and then i come home on here and i feel the wrath of what i pretty much been hiding or trying to dip and dodge all this time. either that or it's about to rain because i get depressed when the rain comes. i also feel my ears kinda hurting and my throat like i'm about to come back with something. my joints on my left hand are hurting too.

you know... there's more that i want to say but i'm not going to say it here. i'm just going to leave it alone though. trill talk.... til next time if there is a next time hopefully.

while i'm busy listening to fucking video game music and shit....

2011-07-28T13:35:00.001-04:00

trying to relax and keep calm while at the same time, finding myself getting fucking annoyed at the same time.

having weird dreams about boiling hot dogs, looking for bread, there being no more chili sauce and me throwing the telephone on the ground in a rage breaking that shit into pieces after i called my mom and she didn't pick up. there's another part of my dream i think involved some shit involving the classroom or whatever the fuck. weird shit. but yo.... this heat has got me annoyed though. it really has. i have to take a shit. i think i have to.

another thing too. THIS SUMMER FUCKING SUCKS!!! IT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SUCKS IT SUCKS! IT SUCKS!!! IT SUCKS!!!!

alright..... either i need to start doing some cardio or get some fresh air because my chest feels funny as fuck.

2011-07-27T22:09:00.000-04:00

i'm eating a lot of junk food. i haven't really been eating healthy either. been eating eggs, tuna fish, peanut butter and the whole protein related shit. haven't ate enough vegetables. i need to be eating salads and shit. the thing about me is that i stopped doing cardio because i wanted to gain weight or whatever the fuck. plus i guess i was losing weight on top of that too from doing cardio 3 times a week after i would work out. once again, my mind is fucking with me. i don't know, yo, but my chest feels funny as fuck. real funny and my breathing is feeling a little constricted. i just jerked off just now too. maybe that's it but my chest area feels funny.

but on some confess shit. i'm going to say some shit that i haven't revealed about myself yet that i think i should be telling a doctor. i don't know if something is wrong with my heart but sometimes, i experience an irregular heartbeat. i can feel it. my heart will start pumping like crazy and then i'll feel like a heartbeat on top of a heartbeat and then beating slows down. i don't know if that's a heart mumur or something like that BUT it's weird as fuck and i'm cringing just thinking about it. i experienced that shit ever since i was a kid. i never told my family about it nor a doctor. maybe i should yo.

for now on, drake is the new gay

2011-07-27T15:10:00.000-04:00

i know lately that there has been a campaign against derogatory words against groups that have been long oppressed in society like women, blacks, gays, those with mental deficiencies, etc..

so i decided.. for now on.. instead of saying "that is so gay".. i will say "that is so drake" because drake is a bitch.

*see a dude dressed looking extra metrosexual*-damn, son.. you're looking real drake right now

*sees prince acting all weirded out and shit*-prince is so drake

*is trying to save some dude's life that is holding on for dear life in some rapids somewhere in the woods by holding out a stick telling him to grab on to it so i can pull him up* grab a hold onto my stick-no drake

basically, what i'm saying is the opposite of straight is drake. i mean.... no longer do people have to use gay as a term for bitchassness.

FUCK THAT GUILTY BITCH AMANDA KNOX. BITCH, YOU GUILTY.

2011-07-27T03:03:00.001-04:00

i find it disgusting how these people are treating her like she's a political prisoner. now they're saying they have dna on their side. i would like to know how that's supposed to work when dna is what got her convicted in the first place. how can you try to work against that shit? now these people are trying their hardest to get a murderer off. disgusting.

i'm so tired of seeing this "get her off campaign". she deserves to be locked up, fucking evil bitch. i mean... her and her boyfriend killed that woman. there's no way your blood is going to be mixed with someone elses blood if you don't have shit to do with it. like oj and nicole kidman and ronald goldman. you fucking know that oj either did it or he had something to do with that shit. me personally i think he did it or he knows who killed them. he was there. he knows what happened. i heard that what happened that it was hit that was carried out over something involving drugs and oj. that's what i heard though but oj has blood on his hands and he's a murderer. he's fucking guilty and his ass should have been locked up for life but at the moment of time, i guess racial tension was high and that played into the verdict. seriously, i believe that if oj was found guilty, there probably would have been another riot in cali. his case shows that money talks and bullshit walks in america. now you're looking to have some people do the same shit with this woman except the justice system actually worked. motherfuckers do NOT understand the concept of justice. they don't. that's why the scales aren't balanced. as much as people are disgusted at the casey anthony case, the way the justice system worked was pretty damn fair to be honest. the verdict was based off of the fact that the prosecutors argument and evidence was WEAK. unlike the oj case where they had actual dna from oj there at the crime scene. there was only circumstantial evidence and that shit is NO GOOD in court. you need more solid proof.

but in this case, the dna of the accused murderers were there at the crime scene. amanda knox either knows something and she was directly involved with the murder because there's NO WAY you're going to have your blood mixed in with that of the victims if you were present. you also aren't going to have weird behavior that would generate suspicion. she's right where she belongs. fuck her.

random music

2011-07-26T18:38:00.003-04:00

holy shit.... i am sweating profusely after jerking off in my hot ass room.

2011-07-26T17:32:00.000-04:00

i didn't wash myself yet plus i was already sweaty to begin with from the time i woke up. shit... i am DRENCHED in sweat yo. shit... i was trying to rub one out since 4 o clock i think. shit.. i was doing all good but then you know how your erection gets to a plateau where you feel it coming, you feel the excitement coming up but at the same time, it comes back down so you have to pull harder in order to make it come out? that's what happened to me. it always happen to me. even though it's annoying especially when i have to hurry up to go somewhere and i'm rubbing one out. so it's my hand and my cock against the clock. almost all the time, nowadays, i'm able to rub one out at the time limit where i can go off to whereever i have to go off to and then chill. you know... so i rubbed one out just now. i'm kinda getting hungry, gonna go and eat something. catch up with a few things and shit.

but matter of fact, let me talk about pet peeves about jerking off. the positives first though. it's a stress reliefer, it's a sleeping pill, it keeps me calm, it helps me control my sexual urges where my mind can concentrate on a specific subject instead of thinking about sex, it helps stop all my erections in public (i'm not fond about having erections in public places or especially when i'm sitting down), it makes me happy whenever i'm depressed (like right now i have a smile on my face), it makes me appreciate life, it makes me focused-i think i already said that.. now the pet peeves, it makes me really tired and exhausted after i finish rubbing one out to the point where i don't have the energy to do shit else although i rather be tired and exhausted from jerking off too much than be stressed out and pulling my hair out crying about being overworked. it doesn't always cure my horniness (there's moments where i'm horny sometime later after i rub one out where i feel like i need to jerk off again), it makes me less interested in pursuing love and sex, it makes me repressive and alone like with people and shit. it throws me off and shit. you know..

you know something funny. the older i get.. the more i become an expert at masturbation. i started off when i was 8. the first few years i started, i was able to hump the floor like 6 times a day or back to back consecutively and feel great. it was nothing. i would hump my parents floor, my bed, and the whole nine. i was a professional. i didn't know what the fuck i was doing BUT damn it felt good. it was when i got older when i found out what i was doing, i became ashamed of myself. i felt bad. at that time, masturbation actually gave me an understanding of who i was or was becoming as a person and i guess it was a shocker to me or scared the shit out of me so i figured that.... since i thought i had a personality flaw, it also didn't help that i went to a catholic school too where they would say this shit, masturbation is wrong, you're going to hell.. i actually believed the bullshit they were saying at the time. that combined with the other things i read as well as the feelings about myself at the time, i tried to make myself stop masturbating. let me tell you.. unless you cut your dick off or you have something wrong with you, you will NOT succeed. it's damn near impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. i learned the hard way. i would put my time and energy into stupid things to avoid touching myself. i also believe that this is when i started to get into that obsessive compulsive bullshit yo. i was doing before BUT it really had a hold on me sometime after i had quit masturbating for a time. i would put my time and energy into things that really didn't matter when all i had to do is just rub one out and relax. you know.. this was during the second half of my freshman year of high school. it was really dumb. it was around this time that i was like "yo.... i have to get a girlfriend", "i have to fall in love", "i have to have sex". now see... if i would have played it cool, did what i had to do, hump the bed. i probably would have had that BUT see... i fucked around and tried to hold myself back from myself. how dumb was i yo around that time? i seriously thought that if i didn't jerk off, i would be a better place in which i ended up in a worse situation then i already was. eventually my body put me in check when i involuntarily ejaculated over the summertime between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. i remember lying on my back (see at the time, i thought that if i laid on my back that it would help me not jerk off or bust a nut.. i was wrong yo) when i involuntarily ejaculated,, i felt the most excruiating pain i've ever felt in my life. i felt my insides literally crushing itself. well.. around my groin area. i could feel what i believe was my bladder compressing or my semen gland pushing against my bladder.. it HURT. so bad. i felt a painful rush and something shot out of me. the worst part was that due to the fact that i was sleeping and i had saw something.. what i believe was my first wet dream or whatever the fuck.. i was basically dreaming and awake at the same time so i was completely helpless. helpless in the matter of the situation. the worst thing ever yo. the worst pain i've ever felt in my life. all the blood vessels around that area and my body was just thumping... i could feel the blood rushing in my veins at speeds that haven't even been recorded in the galaxy. it was terrible. so after that... i was afraid that i would experience the same shit again so i went back to humping the bed. around my sophomore year, i tried that same bullshit again but i tried to do something like jerking off once a week. it was very difficult. i wouldn't jerk off on schooldays but when it came to the weekend, i humped the bed like no tomorrow. i found myself in bed all day. it was stupid really. i was like why not just hump the bed everyday and feel good about yourself. i went through that whole conflict between masturbating and not masturbating all year. then my junior year of high school, i didn't masturbating from the end of august to like feburary of the next year which was 2003. SMH. you know.. it was then that. shit this was a first for me. usually i hump the bed but somehow.. i was able to hump my bed sheets laying on my back and was able to bust a nut from it. see... i was so horny that it was simple and damn it felt good. it felt better than humping the bed because my dick would hurt from all the weight my body felt on it along with being wedged between the bed plus the motion me pushing it up and down along with my body weight.. so you know... i would do a frontward humping motion where i would push my pelvis area against my bed and at the same time arch my back and then fall back down on my bed. sounds nasty but it was great. i sound like a fucking porn star saying this shit. so i would push myself up and down against my bed sheets.. my blanket or whatever and then BOOM... until i busted a nut. at the time, i was in complete denial that i masturbated. i would try to pass it off as a wet dream when it wasn't. i thought that humping frontwards wasn't considered masturbating when it was. at the end of summer, at the start of my senior year.. that was when i just was like fuck it.. jerk off like there's no tomorrow. i stopped humping my bed and learned how to jerk off using my hand. you know.. at first it was difficult because i wasn't used to it but then.. it got easier and easier before it became nothing. i was pretty much okay for the most part.. but then when it came to graduating high school.. i tried to do that stupid shit again.. i'm not masturbating anymore and whatever the fuck. so what the hell.. i did that dumb shit. i found myself going through hell.. sleeping the whole entire summertime relaxing, refusing to hump my bed, rub one out. then i started college and i found it harder and harder to not jerk off. there were days when i could do it and days where i couldn't do it. however, i found myself giving in, buying porno and shit. downloading porn and printing off shit from my computer and storing it in a room in my closet. you know.. when i turned 18, i was pretty much wilding. i think this came from me being conflicted with myself, confused what have you , and not knowing how to deal with this confusion. in 2005, which was the end of my freshman year of college and the beginning of my sophomore year. i soon started to think about what the fuck i was doing. i seriously started to think. here i am.. 18 turning 19. was it really worth putting myself through all this terrible, wasting all this money on porn only to throw it away (i threw away hundreds of dollars of porn just so you know), i was also acting out of character and was wilding out. i was going OT and not being me. i found myself desiring to be this person and to not be this person. i soon started to filter out certain things and accept myself even the parts of myself that bother me to this day and are ashamed of. after awhile, things began to make sense and i decided that from now on, i would masturbate and focus on becoming a better person. i wasted my life 2001-2005 to do the impossible. trying to change who i was. ever since 2006.. i've been on a mission. well.. if you notice in 2005, there are barely any blog entries. i started in march or i forgot when the summertime i think and there's a huge gap. then from onward, you see me blogging whatever. that was because i was scared. now i realized that regardless of what people think of me, good or bad, i have no control over that shit. i have no control over tomorrow, today, the future, the past or whatever. the most i can do is acknowledge and try to make shit better.

to me, despite what a lot of people think of this shit as a cry for help, a suicide note, some subliminal shit which people can pick apart, a place which is redundant and the conclusion of this shit will be summed up, a potential to be a megablog or whatever the hell you want to think of it as being. fine with me.. you can love it or hate it, this is my therapy to me. i was used to not having anybody to talk to about this shit but now i do. i talk to myself for real. i like to do it. actually, it's not talking to myself, it's just thinking out loud. despite what my mom has tried to convince me, someone who talks to themselves is NOT crazy. we all have that voice in our head that speaks to us, about our inner thoughts, that lets us know what's going on, what we want to do, what we don't want to do, and also keeps us in line from doing something that could be misunderstood. you know.. that's what i love about this right here. i love this shit. i seriously believe that the older i get.... i have a deeper understanding of myself. i am currently in the stages of trying to move on with my life and pretty much break out of this bullshit ass shell that i should have broken out in high school. i'm basically a chicken in an egg right now. there's a lot of shit that i want to do BUT to be honest with you, i haven't gotten around to doing them yet. i feel that i need someone to help me out with this shit before i go out and do it. for example, one of the many things that i want to go hiking in the woods. i'm dead serious about this. as a black guy that grew up in an urbanized area, going to the woods, being with mother nature, hiking and shit like that is unheard of. in can make you an outcast amongst your people BUT see.. that's one of the lessons i'm learning to accept now. what you may like or what you want to do. you can't always seek people's approval for that shit. it's about what you want to do. if you like dying your hair blue and eating rotten cheese, then damnit, do you. i always tell people to enjoy whatever they do BUT i haven't even taken my own advice. it's like why the fuck am i trying to help somebody else when i should be helping myself? i guess it comes from fear BUT hey... i have to make more of an effort to focus on myself and then... just then, i'll be okay but for now, i'm still going through an internalized conflict. one day, this whole blog will make sense. but see.. i always wanted to do that shit. always wanted to do some crazy shit like that. being that i'm inexperienced or whatever, i need someone to steer me off in the right direction with that shit. the first thing i need is a car, the second thing i need is someone that knows about the woods and the third thing i need is the time (right now i have the time but i don't have the first two things). you know... i do that.. get that off my bucket list and then my feelings of sadness and rage MIGHT cease. MIGHT cease. can't guarantee that i won't feel the same after i get done living my life. you know..... i might be worse than how i was before i start doing whatever i do.

funny how this went from talking about jerking off to talk about trying to change my life for the better and facing my fears and doing whatever i want to do.

i guarantee you one thing. when i move out of here and get my own place, i will do some crazy shit. hahahaha.... if i'm still living and shit... fuck it.. over time, you're going to witness a change behind the person doing this blog. this blog will be world famous.

the only thing that bothers me though is if somebody knows the identity of the guy, PAZ, me that is writing this shit. after all the things that i've said... you know... somebody that problem knows me has read this shit but at the same time, it's like... hey... i don't feel comfortable saying this shit to any old person because they wouldn't understand. they would misunderstand this shit and think i'm a psychopath or a pervert or something's wrong with me but then again... looking at how people treat me already, they already think something's wrong with me so why am i holding back for? maybe i should just be who i am. it probably wouldn't be a shock to anybody. if i went to the shooting range and copped a bunch of guns or did whatever, they probably would be like "i know you had guns, man. you seem like the type". one thing that i do wish is that i can say all this, well most of everything here in public and in person and i could explain everything with having a x on my back and being a dead man. i haven't developed the balls yet to do it BUT hey.. i'm in the process of doing it so be on the look out for that shit.

the beauty of my blog-documenting the self destruction, the termination of an emotionally unstable black man

2011-07-26T00:34:00.000-04:00

hello once again. if you're reading this right now... keep reading because i'm about to say a couple of things.

i am doing some summer cleaning yo. summer cleaning. a midget is pretty much going through the same old good old fashion blues once again and it's all because of me. my inability to put myself to sleep along with my laziness, my emotions, my mother spazzing out on me, my thought process and me being me is once again getting to me. nobody can torture and torment myself like how i can to my own damn self. i try to look for peace and to be honest with you, i have to dig fucking deep. dig deep. so deep where i literally am tearing myself apart to do that shit because sometimes, i feel like just saying fuck it. you know.... i realized years ago that the only real best friend that i have is myself. i really have is myself. family, friends, acquaintances, etc.... they do not know nor can they relate to how the fuck i feel or what the fuck i'm dealing with. i'm not saying this just to be saying it or to make myself seem special or different or whatever BUT i feel like i'm carrying a weight that is killing me literally and as much as i try to pull against the level that is forward and is leading me to an early grave. it's not enough. it's like the train is rolling down the hill and it's going to crash and derail and explode and shit.

i'm tired of talking and i'm also tired of fighting. everyday it's like i fight with myself. i literally am fighting with myself. fighting to stay normal doing abnormal shit. my whole behavior shit is off and as long as i know, the shit has always been off. i'm surprised that my immediate family hasn't REALIZED this shit and haven't done anything to help me. it's like you're watching somebody suffering and the most you can do is just sit there and watch them suffer. i hate to say this shit BUT it is what it is though. they think that i'm trying to look for attention or trying to do this boo hoo shit BUT to be honest with you, i don't know how to fix shit now without having back to the past to fix shit. the track work was all wrong and now i have to run on those fucking tracks BUT it's fucked up to the point where i don't even how to run on these fucking tracks because it's difficult. for example, how do i keep myself laying still in bed. how do i fall asleep at night? how do i keep these crazy thoughts in my head? how do i control my emotions? how do i get myself to do shit for myself? how do i change the mind that i've always had for years? how the fuck do i fix myself when i'm fucking damaged? DAMNIT... it's like with this ocd bullshit that i believe i have or strictly obsessional ocd or whatever the fuck you call it.. HOW THE FUCK DO I PULL MY MIND OUT OF THAT SHIT AND WHEN I DO PULL MY MIND OUT OF THAT SHIT? HOW DO I GO BACK TO NORMAL? HOW DO I SURVIVE WHEN I'M NORMAL? i still haven't learned to live within my skin yet.

but you know.. i'm going to say this.. i'm disappointed with my parents because as much as they have provided to me and all and shit... why didn't they take interest in helping me out at the points in life where they see that i needed help such as my horrible eating habits and my weird behaviors. why didn't they? for real.. i wish i could go back in time and change everything and then i will be a happier person because i damn sure am not happy trying to deal with this.

if next year is the same shit like this year, i'll fucking kill myself. i'm trying to laugh myself off like it's a joke but i dayum sure do NOT want to feel like this or be like this for another year. i'm tired and i'm sick literally. i'm tired of self suffering.

FUCK LOVE CAUSE IT'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!!!

2011-07-25T01:54:00.000-04:00

you know.... trill talk, i cannot imagine being infatuated with someone else to the point where i LOVE them. naw.. fuck that shit. honestly, i really don't care too much about that shit. you have people outthere that are always searching for a relationship. you know searching for someone to LOVE. someone to be affectionate to. FUCK THAT SHIT. whatever happened to enjoying being single and shit. love be turning motherfuckers stupid to the point where they act all irrational just to keep that feeling. people engaging in risky sexual behavior, people getting married without knowing who they're fucking, people not testing driving the person they're about to get married to before they fuck them. fuck that. my stomach hurts like hell thinking about the day where i become handcuffed into a fucking relationship, the day i become someone's boyfriend. you know.. just picture me going like "i love you" and getting my "love" on and shit. celebrating sham holidays like valentine's day and christmsa. FUCK THAT. don't give a fuck enough to let anybody besides myself share my bed. go get your own fucking mattress to sleep on. i'm too stubborn to share myself. i enjoy masturbating, thank you very much.

i wouldn't say that i'm asexual. i'm just not comfortable being in "love".

sleepy as fuck right now.

2011-07-24T14:30:00.000-04:00

busy having weird dreams again about going to work out an hour before the gym closes, working out in the basement doing deadlifts with a weak ass bar full of weights and the weights bending the bar, asking my bro to the gym with me and both of us going, some women asking my bro and me and this elderly couple about going down on i95 to delaware to some bar or philly, i forgot where but it was somewhere. we working on my back and shit. me being at some hospital where some hospital room was some register place for some university and me walking out of there along with my brother and my homeboy and watching a baby a baby being revived at the emergency room desk. then seeing his or her arms move after awhile after being given cpr and then being tooken to either emergency surgery or whatever. they went on some elevator. crazy shit.

but either way, my dream is all scattered all over the place. but back to me now. i was tired as fuck yesterday, i got some sleep in after i was busy watching tv for a good minute and that was that. i just rolled onto my stomach and that was it. i'm still tired. hopefully, the thunderstorm or rain that's coming (at least i hope it's coming) because it's been way too hot for the past couple of days. been sweating like a motherfucker and on top of that, it's humid as hell. one thing i don't hope is that the weather isn't severe to the point where tornadoes start springing up or we have some super storm cells in the sky starting world war 3. i haven't ate much in a couple of days to be honest with you since friday. been too busy to eat. i'm trying to put on some muscle and shit onto my body. i did cardio on friday. being that i'm an ectomorph and all, i'm not supposed to do cardio but fuck it, i decided to do it because i was feeling a little paranoid about not being in shape or whatever. nawmean. so if i were to start doing cardio again crazily like what i did all last year, then i would have to eat more. at one point, i was eating like a monster and my weight ballooned up close to 160 but then i fell back.

summer is ending and you know what, i really don't care. this summer has been boring as fuck. haven't been doing whatever the fuck i wanted to do. another vacationless summer and it'll probably be another vacationless year as far as i'm concerned. one part of the year, i was busy doing schoolwork and homework and the second half, it looks like i'm gonna be busy working and studying for my LSAT. fuck this shit. i'm turning 25 soon hopefully and my ass isn't really living it up at all. haven't had the chance to. it's kinda pissing me off thinking about it but you know i'll leave it alone.

another interesting last night i thought about, i tend to think a lot. i thought about the way motherfuckers look at me and shit. you know... i gotta say this. you know... i don't know what it is but i'm getting fed the fuck up of it though. i'm tired of people looking at me weird and funny like. you know... because i was thinking about the way most people treat me, they looking at me kinda crazy like something's wrong with me. matter of fact, they looking at me like i'm not a human being. it's like i get these looks and get treated by motherfuckers like i'm not a motherfucking human being. even though i don't believe in that soul shit, it's like motherfuckers give me that soulless look. when i thought about that, i found myself getting angry to the point where i was like... "i wish i could kill everyone of you motherfuckers that looked @ me wrong". i seriously felt that way too like if you don't think i'm human or are going to treat me like a human being then i'm going to make you feel how i feel. fuck you. for real.... felt that way when i was listening to ej the witchdoctor's first album "a s.w.a.t's ritual" to the song hurtin'. but after some sleep, the feeling surpressed itself into my subconcious but i know once again, it'll reappear because those are my true feelings and how i really feel. you know... i honestly don't feel like being bothered with people. i never fit in, i don't think i'll ever fit in and being at this point in my life, i don't want to fit in. i don't want to deal with people. i don't feel like conforming anymore with these people that are going to be complete assholes and pricks to me for no fucking reason at all. just because i don't carry myself a certain way or am kissing their ass or am exactly like how they are. you know.... i'm tired of that shit. i tried to get down to their level of things and it didn't work. now i realized that i should be doing that shit for me and not for them. it's hard to find people that are trill enough to accept somebody for who they are and don't come off as assholes and pricks. i try to be cool yo. i try to respect everybody. i might look mad even though i'm not angry. i might sound like i'm mad even though i'm not. in fact, a lot of the time, I AM MISUNDERSTOOD. people do NOT understand me. they think they know how i feel or who i am or whatever but they don't. all assumptions and shit. you know..... people are quick to tell me who i am and what the fuck i should do YET they're not me. like i prefer being me over you. i learned that shit along time ago. shit.. trying to conform to being what people want you to be will NOT get you anywhere and will make you miserable as fuck. for real.... to me, you are truly free if you don't have to live amongst people like around my way that seem to have nothing better to do than to get themselves involved in bullshit. nawmean. people that care about the latest gossip, looking to start fights, making fun of people, cracking on them, you know... basically being moronic pricks. when you're happy as hell and basically enjoying life, these assholes try to kill that shit. that's why i can't stand people and i blame my area for that shit. you are who you are, you're happy as hell, you're enjoying life, you're having the time of your life and you see these pieces of shit people and then they come around trying to kill the moment. then when you get mad at them and shit, they think YOU'RE the one with the problem. you know... in my case, i'll be real with you.. i was a happy camper until i let these assholes and goddamn pricks opinions bother me. i'm talking about the teachers at my grade school that felt to make it their business to tell me how i should worry about what people thought of me. i'm talking about all these assholes that have nothing better to do but mind other people's businesses then theirs. i'm talking about all these assholes that are so miserable in life that they had to make their pain my pain and shit. you know... now i'm trying to learn how to regain that happiness even though i don't know how to because it was so long ago that i was happy as hell. i was all good until i let these fucking morons into my life. i really didn't have a choice because i was a kid and that shit would last until today. you know... i always said that i wouldn't mind moving the fuck away to somewhere else where nobody knew me and i could start new and fresh willing to do whatever the fuck i want to do and whatever without having to worry about the people around my way which are noisy ass pricks. you know... i'm still putting that into consideration. 1

dope ass music

2011-07-22T03:06:00.007-04:00

this is the type of shit that belongs in the intro of a grimey ass hood movie.. the actual song, not the instrumental.

don't know if i posted this song before BUT i love this song. don't agree with the message of the song. although i agree with legalizing all drugs. give people the choice to do whatever they want. but then again, i know certain drugs aren't what you don't fuck with if you want to function normally. period. heroin, coke, crack, and all that shit. fuck that. drugs don't agree with me anyway. i trip out when i'm weeded out so i had to fall back from that shit. BUT THIS SONG IS DOPE.

otis redding is rolling in his grave right now, thank you kayne.

2011-07-22T01:38:00.000-04:00

i heard that otis song for watch the throne for the first time and i couldn't help busting out laughing @ the beat. what the fuck was that? damn.. if you're going to sample a legend like otis redding, DO IT RIGHT. yeezy done fucked up sampling otis redding choking or coughing or whatever and then him singing a half assed noted then relooping that shit. SMH @ him having otis screaming @ the end of the song too. otis woulda sued yeezy for sampling him wrong like that. sample him right.

this reminds me of the raekwon's about me shit with the funny ass singing that was sampled and looped where it sounds like somebody fell in the shower and broke their back. i'm guessing that was busta rhymes singing. it sounds like him.

i can't help but laugh everytime i hear this song because of that sample. the beat is hot BUT the singing just cracks me up.

the end is near??????????????

2011-07-22T01:24:00.000-04:00

could it be? i don't know... i hate to say this shit BUT something is going to happen to my ass hopefully for the good. hopefully, only just me. i have the feeling that something is going to happen to me. i can sense it. nothing really happens to me anyway. always somebody else. my mom, my dad, or my brother. i always have the same story to tell you and shit for the past 6 years. possibly a life changer or whatever the fuck.

or maybe i'm just talking shit because i'm bored. my stomach is shitty anyway. it's all good.

okay i'm bored as fuck right now. i might try to do this webcam bullshit but ONLY on one condition.

2011-07-20T23:10:00.000-04:00

alright... i'm just going to test this shit out for a second. i already shot a test video. the only thing is.. i need someone who i can trust that is willing to see the shit and give me feedback.

if you're interested..... whether you follow this shit or not...

send me an email as you can do through the blog link (i'm dead serious about this).. if i know you like spacemonkey or pooh or etc, it's all good. if you're a stranger, then that's cool too. to me, this is a double edged sword because i'm pretty much putting the REAL me outthere. you get what i'm saying. bad enough i posted pics of myself already. i'm afraid of the backlash or what the fuck i might be getting myself into by doing webcams and shit. i would have to move out of state and state anew if i were to be serious about it. i don't know who the fuck is reading this. that's what bugs me out even more.

well.. sometime ago, i was horny

2011-07-20T02:28:00.000-04:00

this was before i masturbated though. just jerked off just now. but during that moment, i really felt like... as a virgin, engaging in some passionate love making, whatever the fuck that is. not just sex or the shit that you see in porno which is just a quickie just being stretched for about 30 minutes straight but some passionate love making. even though i can't say from experience, i think the difference between love making and sex.. well there is no difference really BUT technically, i think there's feelings involved for the person in love making and sex is more of a thing where you're trying to get off. you know.... love making is fucking with your heart and sex is fucking with your dick, pussy or whatever the fuck you have. you know... you don't really have to have feelings for the person when you have sex. you just trying to get your dick or pussy into that pleasure zone and call it a day. love making is like when you really like someone and you want to form a deeper bond with them and express your love to them with sex. i guess love making would be longer than plain out sex. that's me though. i guess love making is special and sex is just one of those whatever things. you can move on afterwards i don't know.

but back to me though before i was going on the deep end out of nowhere. i was horny and when i get horny, i'll either jerk off or i'll just start kinda touching myself, touching my face, LOL, tickling myself on some trying to tingle my spidey senses. i guess since there's no one else to touch me like how the fuck i want to be touched in a loving way, that i have to do that myself even when it comes to touching that is similar to foreplay or romantic like. the type of touching that has to do with affection BUT see... it's all good though. i'm not horny anymore. one day, i'll be looking back at this shit like.... remember when i was a virgin. it's all good. one day.

managing my anger because i just got mad just now looking at this shit..

2011-07-19T20:42:00.000-04:00

to be honest with you, i'm pretty much mad for no reason. i think it's from either sexual frustration or the fact that i'm watching people show off shit that i can't have. you know.... just seeing this shit is just getting me angry. i'm trying not to get mad. well i'm already mad and oh man.... you know.... i HATE it when i get mad, i really do. i also hate when i get sad too because i get those fucking thoughts i don't want to have in my head. those negative thoughts. those homicidal, violent thoughts when i get mad and those suicidal thoughts when i get really sad. it's fucking annoying. i just get tempted to do shit when i think like that especially when i have homicidal thoughts. i try not to express it to people even though they could tell by the look on my face that something is wrong. i wish i can be able to fix this problem. rewire myself or at least some point in my life have gotten the help that i needed to help me out now. you know, it FUCKING sucks when you're down and out at some point in life and i'm talking about really down and out where you beg for help from someone (and i'm talking about high school and my early adult years and shit) where you pretty much are looking to better yourself, looking for help and the most people can tell you to do is even though not in these words, fuck off. man..... in a sense, i don't know anymore. i'm trying to stay away from all that shit BUT it just sucks when i see and deal with random shit which triggers my feelings and sets me off.

and you know a good thing about this blog, it calms down my anger and sadness and shit. i actually feel better writing this shit out because it's a lot better than acting out how i feel and getting myself in some problems. 1

since i feel like getting really personal about myself real quick to the point where it borders the reality of my life outside of this blog..

2011-07-18T18:48:00.000-04:00

i'll tell it. first off, i would like to say that there are three types of ME. yes, three mes. i don't have a multiple personality disorder, nor am i a psychopath/sociopath or whatever. i'm pretty sure that you can relate to this here because we all have our representative that we put up, our people person type of personality that we put up since expressing our true feelings and true selves could get us into a world of shit or open up a can of worms, you dig BUT here's me though.

1. the representative me-me around social settings such as a party, the classroom, the workplace when i'm working with a bunch of strangers that i'm not completely 100 percent comfortable with being who i really am: very shy, well mannered, quiet, nervous, withdrawn, has a soft voice, stutters, scared to look someone in the eye, timid, come off like a weakling, a pushover, or whatever the fuck, incoherent, doesn't fully express his point well and ends up fucking up whatever he's saying. just basically a dude that comes off like a good guy or whatever.

2. the representative me/the real me-me around the coworkers where i'm comfortable to express myself but not too comfortable to say everything about who i am, an acquaintance, whenever i'm with a stranger and i'm trying to keep the conversation interesting, when i'm with my aunts, my family members and etc-tries to be well mannered but gets out of character, might say some real shit but then says something stupid or fucked up which makes you go what the fuck did this guy just say, will curse but then not too much, will be withdrawn and at the same time, try to be the center of attention, might say something serious then say something funny unintentionally, basically two sides of me

3. the real me, the one that i try to hide because i dayum well know that i would get frowned upon or a whole lot of shit-the me that i can express to my brother, my homeboys, and to a certain extent, my mother. curses a whole lot, does my weird behaviors around, says a lot of crazy off the wall shit, acts out, will try to wild out or do whatever, will do some crazy shit, expresses his thoughts and feelings, will either make you laugh, scratch your head, entertain you, wonder if i'm crazy, or whatever depends on who you are and how you take things. basically a weirdo. will say or do some unintentional funny shit. i guess you can say fun to be with or a bit too much to handle or deal with once again depends on the person.

if you're a stranger or just know me, you'll more than likely get 1. if you know me to a certain extent, you'll get 2. if you really, really, really know me, you'll get 3.

the layout of my blog.... it's under construction. this will not be the final version.

2011-07-18T18:11:00.000-04:00

but for now until an hour or two or three from now, this is what it will be. sorry for the inconvience to your eyes if you're reading this right here. i know that the layout is blinding and shit. it's hurting my eyes too. shit... i'ma get the fuck off of here anyway. that's all i can do.

when is my brother gonna stop fucking bullshitting me.

2011-07-17T01:29:00.000-04:00

i need to hurry up, get a job and move the fuck out of here. my brother once again fucks up and then has the audacity to blame me.

first off, don't blame me for the fact you don't charge your fucking phone. you didn't charge your phone at 80 percent. you didn't charge it period. stop fucking lying to me, man. you always lying about some shit for whatever reason to save your ass when you pretty much said you didn't charge your shit. how the fuck every single phone you have you ended up saying that the battery died or whatever? you said that with your last phone, you said that with your other phone. it's not that your phone is ass. you just don't fucking charge your phone. how many fucking times do we have to go over this siht with you? i told you that shit and you don't think you have a problem, huh. FUCK OFF.

second off, COMMUNICATION. funny how you want to work in a profession where you have to work with people BUT you're not focusing to your own fucking family members. when you're working on a team or a joint project, you have to be on the same page with people. after all the bullshit you seen what your lack of communication has done, you end up in this bullshit situation that you caused and then you think we're assholes and you're not? this guy could have texted me before his phone died BUT instead, he chose to put his time and effort into some woman he was taking out on a date. you agreed to do something for me with someone else and you didn't even bother to let ME know, huh? that's what i think is the most fucked up part about it. you keep ME in the dark and then you have the AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULD KNOW WHAT'S UP BECAUSE YOU FUCKED UP? i'm pissed at the fact that your ass seems to diss me on some nobody type shit and respect people that are friends, associates, and others more than me. it doesn't help your case that you want people to kiss your ass, people to make time for you, people to respect whatever you're doing BUT yet you show a lack of respect for whatever they're doing. for real... my brother is an asshole. i don't know if he got this bullshit from my father or whatever BUT dude always gotta be on some bullshit.

my father is trying his sociopathic antics again on my brother

2011-07-15T23:03:00.000-04:00

like for real.. he's always trying to control shit to the poinrt where it's sickening. my brother went to see a free movie with his homie and my father is talking about friends with drugs and riding around dirty. my brother is 26 years old. my father is 64. my brother is his own man. my father is trying to run my brother's life like how he does with my mom. he takes pride manipulating and bullying shit around for whatever. it's fucked up because earlier today, he dipped out of here to who knows where without saying a fucking word out his mouth. we don't know where he went to and he doesn't own or care to have a cell phone on him either so we can't contact him. he seems to be cool with that shit too but he on the other hand be all up in our businesses wanting to know this, that and the fifth. i'm chilling with my homeboy in the car along with my brother and he calls my cell or my brother's cell telling us to we have to come home. yet his ass shows up whenever at whatever time ready to lie about some shit or whatever. mayne.. i feel sorry for my father because he's a fucked up person and he doesn't realize it.

damn... i'm looking at myself on this webcam and dayum, i look ugly as fuck.

2011-07-15T15:23:00.000-04:00

i look hideous. i look like a beat up old man with girl like eyes and shit. completely unaesthetic in the face. i look like a fucking monster. holy shit, i'm ugly.

oh yeah...... i have a little idea coming up but you know what... i'ma keep it on the low though. now its time for my brother to get his A-S-S up so i can go to the gym and work out. dude and his bullshit. dude wants to do whatever when he fucking feels like it at other people's time but when other people are like... "let's just do this shit and fucking wrap it up" and it involves someone like me or our mom, he wants to fucking play this corny shit. i'm out. i'm feeling depressed looking at my ugly ass self in the webcam and i swear... if i see any fucking comment which says eli porter or whatever the fuck or somebody talks shit, i'ma fuck them up.

i don't think that i'm ever going to get laid. sad face

2011-07-15T02:37:00.001-04:00

i gotta wash my dick. my foreskin has fucking crust and yellow stuff over it. that comes from jerking off and washing once a day. i gotta wash my dick though.

but in all honesty though, i'm like 24 almost 25 years old. i'll be a quarter century years old and i'm still a virgin. never been kissed, never been in a relationship, never had a girlfriend, never fucked before and all this shit. i seem not to be interested in persuing anything with anybody. all i do is just jerk off and talk shit and fantasize about what i'll never have. it's pathetic really. i've come to accept the fact that more than likely, i'll die before i even get laid or know what love is. i'm not even upset about it either. why the fuck should i be? when i was 15, 16? i wanted to experience that shit. i wanted to be in love. i wanted to have sex. as i grew older, through disappointments, anxiety, fears, nightmares, looking at shit, seeing things and looking at things more deeply, i don't think i'm ready or will ever be ready for something like that. i can't see myself also being pushed or forced into a situation where i'll do it either. to me, i think that whatever is holding me back is won't allow me to do such a thing. to be honest with you, i can see myself having sex BUT i don't know. i seriously don't know about that shit though, man. not even performance anxiety or whatever the fuck. i've been alone for so long that i'm used to this shit. too used to it. like seriously, i really don't give a fuck about a relationship on some serious shit anymore. you know.. like i don't know if i want to be head over heels or be in love and shit. i don't know about that. i seen how some people live to love and me, i don't know if i could do that shit now. don't know about that. to me, the opportunity has passed for me to be in love. that's how i feel. right now, i should be focusing on my career and getting paid. i don't know if i want to be a lifelong bachelor though. don't know about that at all even though that would kind of be fun to not be tied down into a relationship.

if i were in a relationship, i would want something romantic and sexual for the most part. i would be trill as fuck. i don't want to be on some wiz khalifa and amber rose, no drake type of shit. i wouldn't over do that expression of affection type shit. i would know when to show it and when not to show it. but on some real shit though, since i'm a fucking virgin and i never fucked before in the last 25 years. if i'm going to have sex, i am going to have a lot of it to make up for lost time. word up.. all the times i jerked off and all the times i wanted that shit.. i plan on fucking til my dick falls off BUT let me say this though... if i don't get any, i can wack off as well. you know.... i always keep the hand on deck. masturbation is pretty much what has made me into what i am so i'm not going to leave my baby (my right hand) alone. so i guess if my partner wants to keep me interested, they're going to have to fuck me a lot. we don't have to fuck all the time BUT still though... hahahaha... i don't plan on really sleeping around. i'm not going to look around for casual partners and fuck whoever. you know.. not looking for numbers under my belt. just one at a time... if it doesn't work, i'll wait the next time. but yeah.. if i'm ever going to get laid or be in love, i would prefer it to be between now or when i'm 26. if i'm still a virgin or not in a relationship by the time i'm 26, then i'm going to just buy a prostitute or fuck whoever offers to fuck me and call it a day. i'll give up by then. i'm dead seirous. nothing's wrong with prostitution. it should be legalized just so you know. 1

so i felt so depressed that i took my ass to bed early.

2011-07-15T01:21:00.000-04:00

well... i got some sleep at 8 at night. i felt so depressed that i couldn't take it anymore. i was like fuck that. i felt incredibly shitty. my guess is that it was because i slept 5 in the morning and woke up 12 in the afternoon but then again, i was full of energy. but i still felt depressed and shit. i tried to think about what i was depressed about, think about how to overcome it and basically play mind games with myself to be happy and to calm myself down.

however, when i came back home from whatever i had to do, it hit me 10 times as stronger as it did before. so much for endophins because i felt like crying and i also... *sigh* felt like putting a gun to my head and blowing my brains off. i felt like killing myself. shit... i was feeling that shitty. you know.... i was thinking to myself when i was feeling like shit like "am i really suicidal?" because i damn sure didn't feel like going to the kitchen and slitting my wrist or swallowing the whole medicine cabinet or copping some sleeping pills and sleeping forever. i thought about "if i was feeling like this for attention" or "if i was faking it" or "pretending my feelings out" despite the fact that i felt extremely depressed. i didn't feel like it. however, i did feel like getting a gun and putting it to my head and pulling the trigger while i was laying on my bed just feeling like shit. i just don't get it though. why feel sad though? what's there to be sad about? i have triggers where i think about something or whatever and it just hits me and i feel sad. you know... i don't know. hell... can i even call when i feel sad being depressed because i do not experience any of the same symptoms that is associated with depressed except feeling sad like i want to run to my room, grab my pillow and cry. you know something too... i have built myself up to not cry. i don't know how i do it. i trained myself not to cry like 10 years ago. you know... i was like "fuck this shit, i can't be a crybaby anymore or i can't cry and shit like that". let me just hold it back, i'll write about it, i'll hold my feelings back and shit and not cry. i don't know why i did that. i guess i wanted to be a tough guy and hide my feelings. i think that it's cool for me to express my anger but very rarely do i feel comfortable letting people know that i feel sad. at one point i was doing it but then again, you know... people don't want to hear that shit so i kept it to myself.

but anyways.. i'm up and i'm just going to jerk off and head to bed after this. might pay a video game or too. just relaxing myself and thinking about shit.

sometimes i think i'm a fucking CIA guinea pig apart of MKULTRA or somebody is fucking watch me and i'm apart of a fucking science project

2011-07-14T01:05:00.000-04:00

it's hard to explain but sometimes i feel like i'm just fucking abnormal. like i'm not human or something like that. you know.... like am i human. when i came home from the gym and shit, i felt like i was in that fucking trance again. that trance that i was in when i was high. things looked so much weirder and clearer until i snapped myself out of that mindstate.

but sometimes i feel like i'm being watched or like i'm apart of some shit that i'm not supposed to be a part of.

to be honest with you, i have a lot of questions, my mind is curious about a lot of shit, there's so much shit i want to know outthere, you know BUT fuck... i'm limited. completely limited unfortunately. it's like i'm trapped in a fucking box. you know, yesterday since it's thursday already. i was driving around my brother's car just traveling and thinking about shit. you know.. i like traveling around. i also like driving. you know.... i don't want to jinx myself but luckily in the past 3 years i've been driving, i haven't been in a car accident nor have i got a ticket. YES, i've been fucking fortunate. very, very fortunate. you know.... i'm just looking at the world and shit.

at 25 years old, i'm beginning to understand and open my mind up to shit a little bit more. i'm learning not to be closed minded and not be intolerate of other people. you know... i'm pretty much trying to be more open minded. like i'm watching logo right now, the gay channel. about a year ago, i wouldn't even bring myself to watch that shit. you know... i had this homophobic attitude and i felt that i was wrong for hating on someone because they were gay. i just felt bad about that shit. to me, i don't see any big deal about this shit. you got some people that get disgusted but to me, this shit is nothing. it's interesting to see how they act though. nawmean. you got these people all running scared and shit. i'm watching this shit like "these are the people that you're scared of". LMAO! seriously speaking. as a straight guy, i don't see what's the ruckus with all these people hating on gay people and whatever. they're gay and they like the same sex, so the fuck what. nothing's wrong with that.

i'll say one thing though that kinda annoyed me though. i peeped that 1 girl and 5 guys shit and these motherfuckers really be on some super horny shit. i'm like dayum... seriously, these motherfuckers seriously talk about nothing but sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex. after awhile, i got disgusted and changed the channel. like seriously.... life is more than just fucking. i find people that talk about fucking to be annoying because that shit is repetitive as fuck.

but with that said though, man... after watching that show, i thought to myself like damn... maybe it's because i'm a virgin or whatever but i don't see how sex is so fucking important. i see girls talk about sex and they talk about size matters like this one clip with this porn star talking about she been with dudes that were average sized and she wished they were bigger. i'm like please.. as long as the sex is good, why the fuck are you bitching for? i mean.... as long as you're satisfied and shit, who gives a fuck. you got these women out here that i don't know what the fuck is up with them. they're weird. women are weirdos. i hate to say it but women want someone to read them and figure what the fuck they're thinking or want BUT at the same time, they're NOT offering that person they want to be with any cues or tips to understanding them or figuring out what they want. i mean... that's how come i find it hard to talk to girls and matter of fact, that's why i don't even bother to try. i don't. i'm like.. talking to girls and trying to get numbers is worthless. you're going to play a cat and mouse game with them. if they like you, they're NOT going to be upfront with you and tell you they like you. for real... they just fucking play games with you and shit. i know i sound bitter and i'm generalizing. that's why i'm surprised at how these guys can talk to these women all friendly like and all that. i have women friends and we chat, chat, chat BUT they're older women though. girls around my age... not so much. i don't socialize with them because i'm shy around girls. at 24 going 25 years old, i still don't know how to talk to women to get them interested in me. the thing is... i'm looking for a woman that is not going to stress me out or drive me insane. i'm looking for a woman that can be my friend and at the same time can be a lover. someone that i can express myself to and air myself out to and not be a bitch about it. you know... because i know how women get all sensitive when you say certain things. someone that i can push my boundaries with, someone that will let me be me because that's all i can be.

but one thing though... i'm creeped out about sex though. i'm really creeped out about that shit. i don't know if it's because i have a skinny dick even though it's close to 8 inches or whatever and my balls ain't huge or my pubes are nappy as fuck. i don't know.... but whatever it is... i'm creeped out thinking about sex and love for that matter. if i do have sex, i don't think i can bring myself up to tell my homeboys @ 24 years old that i finally busted a fucking nut inside a vagina. dayum... can you imagine that shit? can you imagine? shit is weird yo. i don't even know anymore. i have so much issues that i feel that i need to talk to someone about that shit BUT @ the same time, who the fuck can i trust? someone who will not judge me or the words that are going to come out of my mouth or what i'm thinking because on some real shit... to be 100 with you, there's some things that i can't say on here because i don't feel comfortable saying it. i feel like there's a huge weight on my chest and even saying that i don't feel comfortable saying that because it makes someone who is reading this wonder what the fuck i'm not saying. saying it just makes what i'm not saying worse than it really is BUT then again, it depends on who i'm saying it to though. i think i said enough though.

i honestly believe that i'm either a guinea pig to some CIA experiment, i'm being watched by the feds, someone is either trying to figure me out or whatever or i need help. i'm going to go for the last one that i need help. i want to run far the fuck away though from all of this. it's the way that i feel thinking about that shit that makes me feel like that though.

had a weird ass dream last night again

2011-07-13T17:17:00.000-04:00

i'ma write this before i go to the gym. i'm hungry right now too. hungry like a motherfucker. i'ma snack on a sandwich than get me some food.

but anyways.. while i'm lookng at this exercise guide shit for my leg exercises today. i had a weird dream last night. it started off with me actually chilling around this project area talking with this prison guard about texas' death row and how they carry out executions and shit like that. we were walking on this street which was next to a housing project and on the other side of the project was this highway and across the highway was this tree area. then there was this walkway that was an pedistrian overpass on the highway. i'm talking with this guy and somewhere down the road, i end up in this hospital where this nurse is talking to me about something, i guess it dealt with death and some other shit because the room got dark and there was a creepy feeling that came over the room. so eventually, i don't know what happened first. the hospital thing than the prison guard talking about executions with me or the other way around. i don't know but those two things happened in my dream.

the next thing you know.. i'm driving in some tunnel and a grey 4 runner, it was a new one. like 2010, 2011 or one of those years. i'm either chasing somebody or someone is chasing me but i end up running down some stairs and i'm standing on some sidewalk on the street. it was nighttime and then i find out that i'm in some scene in def poetry jam or def comedy jam. then i find out that i'm chilling with mos def and we're performing some skit or something like that. it involved us chilling some taxi cab.. well he was in the cab and i was outside the cab and we were arguing about some dumb shit. mos def was looking kinda stupid though. you know how he has this smile on his face and he kinda looks dumb because he's smiling for no reason. that's how he was looking like. i then see my father and my brother is in the crowd watching this shit. i see them and they seemed unphased by this shit. so i get a chance to talk to them after the performance and i bounce off of stage and mos def is trying to do some poetry shit and the crowd looks bored as fuck. so i talk to my brother and my father and they tell me that shit was wack as fuck and they couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. then next thing you know.... my bro and me are chilling in this parking garage in midtown. it was some shit that was outside and inside but we were chilling out side. next thing you know.. i see some antenna waving around or whatever right at the top of the garage door which was up this ramp leading into another part of the garage. we're looking at it from the ground up at the outside part of the garage. nawmean. and then next thing you know some firehose starts spraying piss and water at us. i'm like what the fuck. it was spraying tons and gallons of water at us for whatever reason. i guess it was supposed to be a security system. so we can't run out of there without getting sprayed. my brother attempted to run first but he got wet the fuck up. so he tries to run again and makes it out the garage. same thing happens to me BUT yo... that shit out into my mouth so i was tasting piss and water. the piss was light colored too so it was hard to tell if it was pee or water or both. so i'm running the fuck out of there and boom.. my bro and me are talking then my dream ended. SMH.