trill talk, haven't posted in a minute but fuck it.. had nothing to say but now i do

you know something. this world isn't shit and the people in it ain't shit either. i don't care what ANYBODY says. there's not a person in this world that can convince me that there are good people on this earth. everybody is ugly. everybody is fucked up. you know, i think about everybody, from family, to my homeboys, to the people i come and contact with but everybody is the same. yeah, people will treat you nice if they know you, there are people that care about you but at the same time, everybody is human which means motherfuckers will build you up and at the same time, break you down. you put somebody up on your shoulders well at least in my case, you put somebody up on your shoulders, you tell them everybody, you expect them to have your back, you spill your guts to them and they fucking let you down. they tell you that everything is okay, they PRETEND to give a fuck or whatever and they only let you down so fuck everybody.

when i talk with people, i don't know if there's something wrong with me, i honestly get three types of responses, people that are willing to talk to me like i'm a human being, people that act like they don't want to have shit to do with you, and the people that you see them come and go. same shit, different day. you know it makes me upset and angry that for the past 25 years, i've been trying to be normal, trying to be a part of the human race and i feel like a fucking alien. i'm not bugging out when i say this shit. i feel like i don't belong. looking at myself, i am physically weird. the limbs known as my legs aren't like everybody elses, my fingers are extremely skinny, i don't think like the average person, i don't act like the average person, don't walk like the average person and etc. at an early age, i was TOLD that i wasn't normal so they sent me where all the fucking abnormal people go to-special ed. my reason for going to special ed was NOT because i was retarded or slow. it was basically i didn't know how to talk. something within me mentally or whatever, wouldn't allow me to talk or speak so i got help for that. when i was able to do my thing, i went to fucking school and once again i was reminded that i wasn't normal and these people really let it known to me that i wasn't and could never be a part of the group. i felt lonely, i felt isolated and the whole nine. i just wanted to be accepted and treated like everybody else BUT i got the fucking opposite of that shit.

as time went by and having people constantly treat me the same fucking way and shit, growing up, i soon grew angry with myself wondering what was wrong with me that made everybody hate me or loathe me so much or made me feel like nobody wanted to be bothered with me. that's how i felt though. it was like i was by my FUCKING self all these years even though i had family, i had friends here and there and even when i was alone. i just felt like i didn't fucking belong because i didn't have what it took to be with people. so now i grow up and i feel the same fucking way i did before and i still long to be accepted by society but i KNOW that i'll never will be regardless. in a sense that has made me accept myself and at the same time, that has made me a bit angry and hostile towards other people where i feel like i have the right to hurt them. i mean... regardless, why should i give a fuck about somebody who's going to shit on me anyway? why should i give a fuck about them? man.... see, the only reason why i haven't killed anybody is that i feel that it's kind of pointless in doing so because if i'm not going to kill one person. it would also be stupid too. i would probably kill somebody for looking at me funny or would shoot somebody for saying something about me or doing something what i perceive would be disrespect. you know, i would kill somebody over nothing and at the same time, would justify that nothing as something. that's scary if you think about it. i would rather not draw that type of attention on myself, you know.

but i feel like i'll never be accepted by my peers and whatever so FUCK EVERYBODY. even when i'm with my family, i feel like my family doesn't understand me or doesn't care. i talk to them, i care about them but they don't understand me and where the fuck i come from. same thing with my homeboys except my homeboys seem to at least try to understand where i'm coming. you know, otherwise, i'm on the dolo tip. i'm all by myself. it sucks, man. i really don't know and understand anymore. fuck it.