okay........... i ain't wanna make this shit today.......

i wanna shoutout fly and the anonymous person that responded to my last shit.... thanks guys..... on the comments it says 0 but that's some fucking error in the computer and shit....



right now yo.... it's some weird shit. i got nothing to do tomorrow except work BUT yo... i'm in a mood of playing.... love songs. i feel mad uncomfortable saying this shit but i'ma keep it real.... my fucking guilty pleasure which i be staying up 3-4 o clock in the morning is listening to love songs, r&b songs, rock ballads and shit like that. I ADMIT THAT SHIT!!! okay......


i might just fuck with that "never knew love like this" stephanie mills shit!!!!!!!!! it sound nice yo!!!! i be thinking of fucking some chick or actually getting a girlfriend at last or some other people getting together and fucking. knowwhati'msaying yo.... that's them. i just see them motherfuckers from the real world austin and shit.... danny and melinda when i hear that song.... mad weird and shit but that's what i see.....

i be listening to songs like..... don't change from musiq and drain you from nirvana and knocking the boots from that group... i don't know what the fuck they are but i listen to those shits and fucking imagine like.... what happens when i actually get the chick that will let me fuck or find the right chick that i'm feeling that also feels me like that. knowwhati'msaying.... a motherfucker be dreaming about that shit. and that's real to me... knowwhati'msaying because i used to be sad and depressed in high school and other shit looking at other people hook up, fuck and get all this shit. a dude felt like he was missing out. knowwhati'msaying.... now i'm all like fuck it and i don't care. but around then i had mad hate and was like...... :frown: when i saw motherfuckers getting together. a motherfucker was just there chilling watching everybody get their fuck on, love on and i'm there just dreaming, imaging shit. it's similar to seeing people around you flossing, money flashing, getting all cocky and shit like that because they got dollars, knowwhati'msaying and you ain't got shit in your pockets and you want that shit because it's natural and survival too. but you ain't even coming close. you scared to try and shit... of course because you never had it or done it before and you know looking at motherfuckers that you ain't even got a chance.


man........ back in high school, i'm talking about back then a lot... my freshman year of high school... i saw everybody getting the fuck on and i was masturbating and shit like that. i was humping my bed and i wanted to graduate or THOUGHT that there was a such thing as stopping humping the bed into just getting pussy as a sexual release so here i am looking around. i watched homeboys get pussy. i seen everybody get it. a motherfucker felt left out. plus on top of that, i didn't have any chick in mind of fucking. i NEVER really kept tabs on chicks around. i just came to school and bounced. i didn't give a fuck. i hated my high school. i would just go home, go to my brohs laptop, go to the web, look up for naked chicks, and fucking hump the floor to those shits.... that was beautiful because i saw shit that i be using to jack off to when i ain't relying on pictures and shit. the pics come into my head and i remember then and i jack off to them. yo..... so i decided to stop masturbating as an experiment to see if it was going to make me feel more energetic since i was sleeping every damn day, in class or as soon as i came home, i go to my room, hump the bed and fall asleep. completely forgetting about my homework, wake up to play nfl2k or rush2049 and shit. for the most part, i still felt the same way about chicks in my school when i was stalling from masturbation but see..... it was when my cousin when he was asking about chicks i was feeling and i for the weirdest reason, i felt like i NEEDED to love some chick even though now i realized that i didn't have to like a chick in my school because i didn't give a fuck about them chicks... i could have just masturbated crazily to all the nudity, naked women i seen in england and if so could have got pussy over there if i just would have let shit be.... but NO!!!


what happened was..... i ended up falling or making myself fall for this chick in glasses, big titty chick that was feeling me i guess and i at first wasn't feeling her too much. IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME! she gave me signs and i didn't pick them up the moment she gave em. so she moved on. so i LOST. i LOST! i continued to stop masturbating. in turn, i was listening to rap more. i was hard into writing raps and shit. i got mad rap books and shit and i started checking out tupacs shit at the end of the school year. i was fucking with wu tang too a lot around the school year. it started like in novemeber when i found ughh.com and was fucking with that website... it was aka.com.. i used to fuck with that website. loud records was connected to that shit i think but yo... i found it through the loud records website i think. but yo..... i remember listening to gza's cold world on ughh.com. shit was dark as fuck. it was depressing but after a few listens, i was like shit was hot. i liked how gza sounded grimey on the track and shit. i liked what he was saying. i felt it. then i listened to i gotcha back, labels, and liquid swords. i wasn't big on liquid swords the track but yo..... i liked i gotcha back and labels. i played those shits everytime i went on ughh.com back then. i also started fucking with odb. i heard brooklyn zoo and when i heard it, shit made me think of going on the verranzo narrows bridge to staten island and looking towards the hill right where stapleton and park hill, which i didn't know about back then, were at. shit was hot. after playing those shits a thousand times.... after going to this website which had liquid swords the whole cd and i could have downloaded that shit but i didn't know about all that downloading shit. i heard i gotcha back i think and gold and i was confused about that shit. on january 12th, 2001..., i had the receipt but i threw it away on some bullshit thinking that i didn't need it and it was worthless but that shit to me is important, it marked something special, it was a saturday night, cold ass saturday night..... i think it snowed a couple times around then... i copped liquid swords the cd and odb's return to the 36th chambers the tape... odb's tape didn't surprise me much because i THINK i saw it back in 1999 on decemeber 26th when i copped the infamous and my mom later returned that shit to the store because she was concerned about the songs on there. her and me went over the song shook ones back then... i used to think that shit was cool and i was naive to some of the lyrics of the song until i LEARNED eventually what they really were. she threatened once to take me to that area around where my "aunt" ex lived at to show that shit ain't a joke where folks was getting shot up and shit. it was crazy around that time period around there. i thought the music was hot. fuck it.... i was in my rap craze back then... obsessed with it. eventually after begging and pleading with my mom to let me get it. she brought the tape of the infamous for me sometime in january 2000. i was mad happy. i remember rewinding on the b side to shook ones and i heard the whole version of it. with the extended instrumental and everything. yo... but that liquid swords shit. it was a gritty album. i was mad hype at the fact that i got liquid swords and shit. MAD HYPED! i put it in my brohs laptop and i was playing i gotcha back... that was the main track i wanted to hear.... i played that shit over again. i notice the crashing in that shit on those celbrums on the drums.. i misspelled it but yo..... that shit on i gotcha back... i liked the horns to that shit and how that shit went in reverse at times. SHIT WAS SICK!!! my face swelled when i heard swordsman.. i remember listening to.... the intro of liquid sword.. with the kung fu sample. funny thing was at the time coincedently in my world history class, we was talking about japan and chinese emperors and swordfighting and disembowelment and all that shit that was themed around liquid swords. so that shit was mad odd. plus it was mad old. on top of that... when i heard 4th chamber, when i heard the begin of the track after the skit where the father is telling the son to chose death or living... the intro to 4th chamber made me think of that scene of that movie i watched about japan on those dmanyo or whatever you call those warriors and shit in my world history class... this guy just chopped this other guys head out of nowhere and it looked mad graphic yo. that's what shit reminded my of. my heart jumped when i saw that shit and my face swelled when i heard that shit... it scared the SHIT out of me yo.... the track was mad dark yo... i don't think i listened to the whole thing. i heard cold world. I LOVED THAT ALBUM! before i went to school or in the nighttime before i went to sleep, i would replay the end of duel of the iron mic where you hear a little of the instrumental for the track dies out and goes to living in the world today. that part used to be in my head when i walked to school and i was depressed and it was mad dark outside. it was like some shit was about to go down like some serious shit. and this was when i walked to school at 8 o clock in the morning ready to go to fucking gym classes or to my biology class on thursday..

but back to that love shit..... that whole memory lane shit i'll get to that later but.... i really wanted to have a girlfriend in high school. get to know her and all that shit but i never got that chance. i got rejected or that shit just never happened. junior year, i fell for this chick and once again, i wasn't masturbating and i really liked her. i used to play don't change every night starting from october 2002 and shit thinking about her. i remember when i was part of that bullshit program where i had to go to class on saturday mornings when we went out to six flags great adventure on that saturday. i thought about her and shit. i remember hearing that superman song all the time and i watched this faggot dude i hate to this day, don't give a fuck about that dude now and his bitch ass girlfriend who i also hated very much and still don't give a fuck and WILL NEVER give a fuck about to this day, kissing before they went on this batman or superman ride. i was mad lonely. i felt fresh too because i had the feeling that "this is it".. this was the beginning of the end of my virginity and the start of my love life. BUT YO...... that good feeling, i miss that feeling.... when it came to monday and all that other shit... i wish she went out with a dude around that time because i would have brung her ass down there with me and we would have fun. i felt MAD alone down there. my bro could have came along. we could have had fun BUT at that time, i felt i needed a chick and she was the chick at the moment i wanted. i spoke to her once and eventually i fucked it all up because i tried to follow her and her friends home but it was a misunderstanding because i was trying to walk and talk with her so i'd follow them and they and her, i don't know about her though maybe she thought the same thing, thought i was stalking them. eventually, when i was walking down a way i usually go to go home, they around the other street and i had to confront them. don't think they usually go around that way but her friends straight up told me to stop following them. she didn't say anything. :sad: and as soon as they told me that, i walked home and knew my chances was blown to shit. a dude just went to studying his work as soon as he came home because at that time, i was trying to boost my grades up but shit was TOO LATE, i would later learn, even though i did that shit because i finally knew better. eventually i ended up with no girlfriend still.... no girlfriend no girlfriend no girlfriend..... fuck senior year..... no girlfriend... fuck my first year of college.... i was clubbing it through my headphones playing like a prayer from madonna and bigod 20 and shit like that.... throughout the summer of 2004. i did nothing... no pussy. went to college on some nothing shit.. wasn't masturbating from june 14th or whenever i started my first final exam to graduate high school all the way to october 22nd to some pic of some chick masturbating with her back turned in some undies when some guys was fixing up this motherfucker because of the bathroom... i jacked off... i know this because i got san andreas on a tuesday from the mall so it had to be saturday night, sunday morning when i spank my monkey and let that tension that i felt so long go..


yo.... when you don't masturbate for like 6 months... your dick will KILL you for real. not like blue balls. shit will feel like you climaxing except you ain't busting any nuts. you'll catch erections when you don't want em. shit will affect you. you'll start looking at any chick even the ugly ones like they sexy when they not. you'll be a weirdo. i don't know what that's like for a dude that withdraws himself away from pussy but as a virgin, at least for me, that shit will kill you. from 2001-2005, i was doing that shit. 2001 i ain't jack off from january to june or july... it was the 15th or 16th of one of those months, 2002 i did some weird shit.. in the school year, i wouldn't jack off from monday to friday and then when i had my weekend off, i jacked off mad times. i ended up jacking off on the mondays and sometimes tuesday and then wouldn't jack off for 3 days. eventually i wouldn't jack off from may to august because i was doing some bullshit. IT WAS SOME DUMB SHIT!!! then i didn't jack off from september into the next year.... 2003.. either feburary or march. i didn't do the jack off method around that time. i would hump the bed but see around march 2003 to august 2003... i would push myself against my bedsheets while lying on my back and it all started when i played that bmxxx game. when i saw this chick clapping her ass and all the titties and shit like that with the game codes... all those months of abstaining from masturbation.... I FUCKED UP MY BEDSHEETS!! i would arch my back against my bedding and pushing my dick against my covers and i would feel really good. eventually i would bust nuts. thinking that masturbating was wrong, i convinced myself that that wasn't masturbation even though it was and i guess i knew it. i thought it wasn't because it wasn't the usual masturbation techique that i did at the time which was humping the bed... i ending up first jacking off when i saw this clip... you can find it on youtube with this one chick in pink stalkings and a pink thong with her asscheeks out rotating those shits seperately, bringing them around at the time bringing em back against each other where they'd clap. before that, i saw one chick clap her ass on mtv and i went nuts over that where i humped my moms bed and my bed also mad times. i always wanted to see another ass clap around that time and that was the shit i been waiting for. i got the shit on my computer now even though that ain't the whole clip because she turns around after doing that rotation shit slowly with her legs out and lays on her back and starts clapping her ass on the floor where you see her ass clapping against the floor and shit! THAT SHIT IS GETTING ME HARD THINKING ABOUT IT! but yo...... back to that... i had mad photos and shit because i had a folder where a lot of titties, ass, and booty and everything in that. IT HAD SOME OF THE BEST SHIT AND I REGRET THROWING THEM OUT IN MAY OF 2004. BIGGEST REGRET! BIGGEST REGRET! shit was beautiful. i saw a lot of ass yo! a lot of beautiful jack off material was in that shit. i knew it out when it was mad hot in may and i had the feeling that i may regret and yes, i do now. then around june 2004 to october 2004, i stopped jacking off... i started again and then... i tried not to jack off every month in 2005.. i would last for weeks, a lot of times i would fell... that's when i just realized that masturbation was natural. i used to make arugments with people saying that it was wrong and my stomach used to hurt because i was stressing over that shit but then i gringed when i heard that masturbation will decrease your chances of getting prostate cancer. the thing was that prostate cancer... i'm not gonna say the situation and whatever but basically some shit happened around my circle and that shit scared the fuck out of me. so i pretty much was like... fuck it and on top of that since i'm not getting any pussy and since i'm not going to live forever and it feels good and all that. i might as well just jack off everyday and appreciate it. i have a dick, i have hands, and i'm luckily to be experiencing this and that masturbation is a fucking gift. shit SAVES lives. i remember when i used to seriously feel like ravaging a chick for real.... and just fuck her on some serious shit man!! AND I KNOW BETTER NOW MAN!! i know better now....

and as for the chicks or chick that might or might not come into my life since i'm waiting and yes, it's up to me and at the same time, my life ain't written yet... i can't forsee the future or who i might run into and shit like that... i can just dream and shit.... when it happens... i don't even like to say that... you're watching and i'm going to get laid and i'll be happy. man...... i keep telling my brother and my homeboys, duns that i'm going to fuck a dime and all this shit. i tell em all this shit but reality is that i'm not really concerned about a chick physical. it's the feeling you get around her because all that shit is opinions. a chick could be a dime to me but be ugly to another dude knowwhati'msaying. like the chick i was chasing junior year. my broh thinks she's ugly but i thought she was cute. maybe it was because i wasn't masturbating but i felt how like that. i liked her. see.... with me, when i like a chick, she could be ugly.... i'll just go along with the feeling she brings off to me... knowwhati'msaying... it's weird BUT yo..... i'll just feel a certain way about her where she's just sexy... and i'll just you know.... like her and shit..... i'll look at her as a friend, a girlfriend, a wifey, a wife (yeah, but i don't know about that marriage shit), having my seeds and shit like that. i'll look at it like that. i don't know why but that's how i approach it for a chick that i like and want to have as my girlfriend... odd as fuck but yo..... that's how i see it....


now..... i'm just wondering about shit... i'm going to play that "never knew a love like this" and play some other songs... probably t.i.'s "i'm talking to you" and call it a night.... i've been typing this shit for like 2 hours and knowwhati'msaying... i can't go on.... i'm gonna fuck with my mixtape tonight... i got that incubus shit in my head... that's the only song i downloaded from them and shit.... that track about 1984 or whatever the fuck in my head.... enough.... my mixtapes just keep my fucking mind sprayed... shit!!!!!!!!

1 to you motherfuckers..... SHIT!