man.... i hate my life.. for real... i hate it....
i want to quit taco bell so bad but then i gotta hear my mom's rants.. she thinks i don't wanna work but i do. i just don't wanna work 6 miles away from where i live. i don't feel like running for the bus, look at the bus schedule.. worrying about this shit and that shit. man... i don't feel like dealing with coworkers with attitudes, customers with attitudes, worrying about my attitude... man, i even got a paper to type. man.... i lie up in bed when i come home and fall asleep. i'm too tired to eat dinner.
i'm tired of having the same shit or struggling to get through shit. i'm tired of complaining about shit. i'm tired of not being happy. i'm tired of sleeping late and waking up late. i'm tired of making mistakes on this fucking computer. i'm tired of having to tell myself this shit and that shit and fronting like i'm good on this computer. i'm tired of wanting to work mentally but physically i feel drained out. man, i'm tired of this shit man. i listen to my mom and she's right and GODDAMNIT i hate it. i hate this shit man. everything about this shit...
i'm tired of having a toddlers body. my frame is mad thin. i think i'm stupid because i don't eat enough and all that shit. when i wake up early, i don't even do shit with my time. i just waste away. i'm tired of doing all this shit. i'm tired of having to worry about if i look angry or if i'm rubbing people the wrong way. i'm tired of reminscing about how shit was man.. i'm tired of having dry hands, having my hands feel dry. I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT MAN! TIRED YO! EXTREMELY TIRED. tired of doing this shit. tired of not eating. tired of going through this goddamn shit. TIRED!!!
and nobody hears what i'm saying yo. it's like shut the fuck up son. i'm tired of hearing you fucking complain. what the fuck you want me to do? i feel fucking helpless and weak and powerless b. you want me to shoot up somebody or my fucking school or my fucking workplace up? YO, I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT MAN! TIRED OF GOING THROUGH THIS GODDAMN SHIT! I DON'T FEEL LIKE HEARING MY MOM CONVINCE ME SHIT IS OKAY! FUCK THAT I'M NOT HEARING THAT YO. I'M NOT BECAUSE I CAN ONLY TAKE SO FUCKING MUCH. I CAN'T STAND FOR THIS SHIT YO. I CAN'T!
man.... i'm tired of EVERY GODDAMN THING IN MY LIFE! i'm 19 fucking years old. man... when i feel stressed out, i masturbate but i don't even got enough time to fucking masturbate because i got to go to fucking taco bell. i work 5 days a week and this is the gayest shit in the world. THE GAYEST! i'm not gonna shuck and jive like this is cool. yeah... i may be spoiled but fuck it... i STILL hate this shit yo. i fucking hate it! I FUCKING HATE IT!!! MY FUCKING HANDS!! sometimes.... i just wonder yo. i'm looking for a way to just end this. turn myself into the looney bin or just get help or fucking type here all day or just kill myself and just finish this shit. i'm just had it with this shit man! HAD IT!! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!
posted by Paz @ 2:52 PM
7 Comments:
Since no one seems to care im going to speak up and try to help it out because i feel for you....
Paz, you are a young man of 19.. You are just now trying to form an identity for yourself and figure out who and what you are to become in this confusing ass world..
You Feel Empty, lost, and you cant explain why..IM going to tell you why..
You are trying to completely turn your heart, mind, and soul from thee Almighty Creator in God..
Im not trying to get religious dawg.. But on the real if ive come to conclusion about anything in life is that We are not here by mere coincidence.. And there is a purpose and reason why we as people inhabit this place we earth.. Now when we speak of life having some sort of metaphysical or philosophical meaning we we implaying that there is something in control of life that is giving life this meaning.. And IMO this Is God..
You feel empty inside because its your telling you that something is missing.. We all have hold to fill in our hearts..Some of us try to fill these holes with drugs or sex, or whatever it may be, but in the end they just end up feeling empty inside, because Only God can fill that emptyness in your heart..
Im going to be honest here..Im not going to sit here and state that im the happiest person in the world or whatever..I dong attend Church and you can say that i am currently on my path or my search in finding God.. I have not Found God, but yet i know he is there..
And because i understand that the ultimate meaning and purpose of life and Destiny can only be found with God, it gives me a certain Peace, that regardless of the struggle, the problems, the pain, heartache i experience, i know there is something out there guiding me and leading me to something Bigger...
Paz, i dont know you well kid.. But you have the spirit of a Soldier/warrior that needs to find its meaning in this life...And i myself am on the same path..
But the difference is, is that i know one day ill get to that point once i can drop my pride and fully submit the sh1t God has planned for Me...
Im not a muthafuka that is going to live life like every mundance muthafuka out there...
Not only will i find the very purpose of our lives..I will have the Heart to Die For it all..Because this is what real muthafukas, real soliders do....
Its about coming to understanding what this meaning is..And maybe one day i can share that with you
Read:
"The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lamal with Howard C. Cutler
"Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins (it's the sh-t.. believe me)
"The 7 habits of Highly Effective people" by Stephen R. Covey
3 books. Read 1. Read the 1st chapter of the Unlimited Power book.
How you FEEL.. is caused by how YOU communicate with YOU. Nothing has a REAL OFFICIAL meaning. Nothing. Jordan had a reputation for having TOP NIGHTS after defeats.. hmm.. why would that be.
Couple of words that are essential for you to make the transition from BEING LIVED... to LIVING.
Proactive
Responsible.. (As is RESPONSE-ABLE)
Positive
Relativity (as in Katrina victims who lost their parents or childer, parents of lost US soldiers etc. would LOVE to take your job and work up from there - not offending you.. just saying it's a big *ss world son).
The homie who gave u advice.. no doubt GOD is love no doubt. Anything and everything you need to be successfull.. it's already in you. GOD has given you IT ALL. IT ALL son.. for real.
my e-mailaddress is fly@xtrafly.com. Holla @cha boy it's all good. I'm not gon' preach, but how u feel I've felt a million times son. A million times.
I feel u on that first paragraph..Fo' real...lol
thanks to everybody that responded. especially the anonymous person. thank you fly for reaching out to me.
and jellybean..... you're back... how you doing?? i ain't see you in years. how you doing? still in philly? you in school? sup???? sup?
anonymous and fly: That was really good advice. Props on typing that out...
Topaz: Please don't forget those words and please realize that people do care about how you feel and do relate to what you're going through.
Print out the positive things that people tell you and tape them to your wall. I know we've talked about this before but I doubt you did it. It makes a difference Paz.
Much, much love
Thahlia
wassup paz, I've been fine, yeah I go to school. how have you been?
you have myspace?
Impossible is nothing.
If you agree - then do it.
"Do what?" he asks.
"The Imposible" she says.
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