you know something, i'm a bit heated right now but i'll be honest with you. i went to another web forum with a bunch of gay dudes that was into bodybuilding, they tried to give me a hard time after misunderstanding my posts and etc and they permabanned me. FUCK THOSE BITCHMADE MOTHERFUCKERS. the person or people that pissed me off aren't shit to begin with. they're just a bunch of bitchmade motherfuckers that aren't shit that THINK they're special but they're NOBODIES. on some real shit, i probably would knock the shit out of them and beat their ugly asses down speaking out of their face on a fucking computer. that's all they can do. talk shit all day and night behind the damn computer because they're some ballless bitchmade motherfuckers with nothing better to do. all trying to act like they're better than me over a fucking computer connection. get over yourselves. you know what i'm saying. fuckers literally think they're better than the next man and shit on a fucking web connection. you know, i'll really punch one of these dudes in the face because they're bitches. they're straight up bitches. i can't even respect them as MEN. i can't and i refuse to do it. if i ever run into those dudes or those dudes try to have the balls to say something to me, i'm whipping their ass. they better go the other way or dodge me when they see me. don't say shit to me. don't even acknowledge me. walk the other way or i will fuck you up. i'm dead serious. i don't have anytime for that bitchmade shit but if you fuckers want it like that, i'll give it to you straight and you deal with that shit when you get it. punk pussy ass bitches. i don't even know why they're even carrying on the way they do. they ain't shit. look @ them. i was looking @ some videos that some of those dudes made and they can't be serious. they really can't be serious. i know these dudes ain't trying to speak out on me. like why is it the people on the internet that always feel the need to come at me the biggest fucking lames? i don't get it. i know i'm far from perfect and etc as this blog is proof but why is it the biggest lames on the computer always the ones talking the most shit and starting shit too? man, those dudes ain't shit and as i said before, if i ever run intto those dudes, i'm knocking out some teeth, blacking out some eyes and etc. they banned my ass because some dude reported me on some bitchmade shit so my ip got blocked. can't register on a new screenname or anything like that. it annoys the shit out of me how a motherfucker can't say whatever he wants to say without some bitchmade motherfuckers always acting like some bitches gooing like "you can't say that. you sound angry". man FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU, STRAIGHT UP. nothing but some bitchmade motherfuckers on the computer trying to turn something that it ain't. those folks didn't even warn me either. just straight up banned me over some bullshit. you know, i'm just annoyed and heated because it's like damn.... i can't even say shit. i get attacked randomly and fuckers expect me to sit down and tolerate it. i can't even say whatever i have to say without someone acting like a total bitch and then all of a sudden, i get banned. FUCK THEM DUDES. FUCK THEM. I DON'T LIKE THEM. I REALLY DON'T LIKE THEM. i can see why some gay dudes get their ass kicked because they need to get beat up to make them act right or make them behave thier fucking selves. you know, they need to be taught to show respect to other people but since they want to go about it the other way, they get hurt and etc. i don't feel sorry for them and to be honest with you, i wouldn't mind knocking out some gay dudes myself because i don't like their asses. it has nothing to do with them being gay. what it has to do with them being horrible people on the inside. their personalities and attitudes SUCK. they act as if they're better than the next man where they can disrespect them and talk out their face. you know what i'm saying? it's like a lack of love there and they think they can be disrespectful to whoever for no goddamn reason. so you know what, i'm gonna do the same shit to them. i wouldn't mind picking up a barstool and beating the shit out of one of those motherfuckers and spitting on them too. they deserve that shit and i wouldn't feel a shred of remorse either. i don't like them and i have no respect for them. they're NOTHING to me. NOTHING! you hear me, NOTHING!!!!! fuck them. i don't even wish death on them because that's nothing either. i do want to hurt them and make them afraid and scared of me to the point where they respect me and know their role just like how i did to guy like 20 years ago when he disrespected me. i just took him to the backroom and started beating him up. it wasn't like a knock down but i started to punch the shit out of his bitch ass. i just hooked off on him and then he fucking apologized and goddamnit, he deserved that shit. i would have fucking done that shit to him and i wish anybody else would so i can beat the shit out of them. i would BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. kick them, stomp them out, kick their head like a soccerball and make them fucking apologize. you know, i'll get some anger and frustration out where they know where the fuck i'm coming from. better watch how you come @ me or you'll get what's coming to you. don't say that i didn't warn your ass either. i really don't like those fuckers. i hope them and their little bitch ass community is all fucking happy that i'm gone even though some of those BITCHES can't stop mentioning my name. FUCK THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.
but as i said before, i would gladly punch those clowns in the face, spit on them and belittle them in public if i ever got the chance in front of everybody making them feel like complete shit. they deserve it too.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Friday, April 05, 2013
gucci this, fendi that, what you expect ho?
naw, just playing. it's been awhile since i've updated my blog. busy listening to this mlk jr speech even though mlk sounds boring as hell. i'm getting SLEEPY.
if you want to listen to it it's here but
what the fuck i was going to say? man, i haven't been doing shit recently because i don't feel like it. i guess the zoloft isn't working. it's working against the ocd BUT it's not working towards the depression because i don't feel like doing anything. don't feel like doing anything but being on the computer all day. i am addictified to this shit. addictified and you know, it's fucking crazy how i'm all up on this bullshit. it's crazy, man. it's just crazy how i allow myself to be fucking swept up and larry holmed in life. i just had to say that. my curtains are closed and i'm not looking at the clock. i really don't have a clue where i'm going but i know where i do want to go. it's not the ground or the prison. i just need to get my lazy ass up and get the energy into my vein.
thinking about coming out to my friends in the upcoming month. i will soon. my plans is to go to the gay pride parade in new york. i know i need a jobby job so i can get money and i know that i have to fucking study my lsat so i can take the test in june. i want to go to law school, man. fuck doing law enforcement. i don't want to be a holice officer. i want to basically do the right thing and be able to do cases.
to be honest with you i want to do something that's thrilling because i'm bored as fuck. i have nothing else to do for the moment. this is not fun. this is boring. THIS IS BOREDOM. i hate being bored. you know fuck all that shit. anybody that wants to do something or thrill me, holla @ your midget.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
i am just ITCHING to hurt or rob somebody right now.
being depressed, upset and angry is a TERRIBLE combination. you know, i'm just annoyed right now. very annoyed. i just feel like running up to a random person and punching them in the face for no reason. i just feel angry and depressed as FUCK right now. just like snapping on somebody for real. i HATE it when i feel like this. man, i REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY am annoyed and irritated. you know, i can simply just pull out a boxcutter and just go crazy swinging it on somebody's face. scarring them up, slashing away in rage. just cutting, cutting, and fucking cutting away. you know, one of those small box cutters that can easily pierce skin. just fucking cutting away on somebody's face and why, because i'm angry and i want to take my anger out on somebody. i'm sick of being the only person hurt so why the fuck should i be miserable alone? when i'm happy, everybody around me is like "why the fuck aren't you upset and miserable for?" but when i'm down, the same people tell me to shut the fuck up and smile. FUCK THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS BY THE WAY. you know, i just feel like pulling an armed robbery though. just grabbing somebody and fucking bringing the BITCH out of them though. you know, making them scared, piss their pants by fucking shoving a gun in their face. i won't shoot them but it depends though. i want them to live to tell about what i did though. i don't want them to die. i'll fucking reserve that shit to somebody who really pisses me off and believe me, i've gotten to that point a couple of times where i really wanted to kill somebody and put an end to their life. make their family or whoever fucking deal with that problem. i could give a fuck less as long as it ain't my people or me.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
*sigh*
this blog has been around for 8 years and i'm not going to lie when i say that despite this being somewhere where i can voice my opinions. i hate having to post on here when i'm down and feel like total shit. right now, is one of those moments. i'm right in my room, it's dark in here, it's 4:20pm, well now 4:21pm and i feel depressed. very depressed.
you know, why am i depressed? that's a good question. why the fuck am i depressed? you know, i'm on zoloft. i'm on a prescription pill that is supposed to reverse the damage that i've been undergoing for the past how many years of my life. it's supposed to give me a sense of freedom that i've lost. well, maybe i am too far gone where even with zoloft/anti depressant pills that i've grown used to being depressed where i can't even enjoy myself. i do not feel like going outside my room for fresh air. what i do feel like is lying in bed and sleeping on a sunday afternoon? for a time period, about 6 years, i've forced myself to fucking stay up in the daytime and only going to sleep or staying in my bed at night. i thought that it would make me energetic, it would help kill my depression and make me into a better person. instead, nothing changed. the same thing with me leaving my curtains open throughout the day and the nighttime. my ocd had me thinking that "hey, if you leave your curtains open, you'll become smarter and you're depression will go away." i seriously thought that. i seriously believed that it would make a difference. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was searching for a solution because i was desperate for a change. i was desperate for comfort in a time where the pain was overwhelming me where i just couldn't take it anymore. it was like i had become irrational because i felt hopeless. it was like i tried to take matters into my own hands despite me only just basically daydreaming and being delusional thinking that doing some stupid shit or being experimental would make me into a better person.
but i never answered the question to why i was depressed. i'm depressed because i don't feel happy with myself or my life at all. i am still bothered by the past. i am bothered by what i see around me. i am bothered by the people that are around me. i am bothered by my environment. i am also bothered by myself as well. you know, it all boils down to a state of hopeless that nothing will get better because i just can't find any happiness in myself and i certainly can't see it in anything else around me. you know, i was born into a world that was fucked up and i so happened to be born as a person where my physical and mental characteristics didn't match up to what's acceptable in society. people don't realize this but you know, being a black in society is tough. you know, here you are trying to be treated like a human being but people and their ignorance basically take over. they basically are that fucked up where they have to look @ you with their eyes. they have to look @ how you look. they basically forget that you're as human as they are and they treat you like trash off of little stupid shit that doesn't even matter. they don't have to like you BUT that doesn't give them the right to treat you or to look at you less than a human being where they treat and view the fucking dogs with more respect than you do. you know, that's the world that i was born in. that's only an example though with using my skin color. then having to deal with people that may not like you simply because they don't like you and they go about it in a way which is wrong. they think that they have every reason to assault you or be violent with you simply because they don't like you. you pretty much want to live in peace and happiness BUT the world around you is trying to make you into a hateful person until you become that person towards yourself. you don't fit in, your peers don't treat you respect, your family basically expects you to deal with whatever hate you get thrown towards you without realizing how the hate and the treatment you get hurts you. you're basically misunderstood and you soon are finding ways how to ease your hurt and that hurt only grows into something else. you spend more time trying to ease your pain than focusing on the things that are most important to you. soon it becomes your main focus where you simply forget about your priorities because easing your pain is a top priority and becomes your life. i guess that's why many people become drug addicts or turn towards things that hurt them in order to deal with life because the pain comes to great where they simply can't enjoy life without making it go away.
you know, it sucks that stupid ass factors affect my life. bad enough things are the way they are.
then you times that with certain people around you. you can't escape. you can't run from them. you want the same things like everyone else such as being accepted BUT you damn well know that that's not going to happen. people will be people and you just have to "deal with it". but when you have so much pain in you and etc and nothing works, "dealing with it" becomes unbearable.
that's how my ass ended up seeking out help thinking that there was hope but there is no hope. do i really want to live the rest of my life feeling fucking terrible? i can feel myself getting cold and a bit chilly in a sense. i feel that sad.
i wasn't going to say anything because i hate having to say this shit knowing that other people will see it and their reactions will be to tell me to "shut the fuck up" as if my pain is bothering them by just saying it. so i was going to keep it to myself. i don't want anybody telling me things are going to be okay or trying to say things thinking they're going to uplift me when it's not going to change anything. there's really nothing anybody can do. NOTHING. it irks me to think that this is how i'm going to be for the rest of my life. i hate to say that i might as well give up hope and learn how to be sad and blue forever and then have people around me all wondering what the fuck is wrong and etc. then when i tell them, they basically don't get it and think that it's easy to snap out of it when i keep getting hit in the face with it 24/7.
you know, why am i depressed? that's a good question. why the fuck am i depressed? you know, i'm on zoloft. i'm on a prescription pill that is supposed to reverse the damage that i've been undergoing for the past how many years of my life. it's supposed to give me a sense of freedom that i've lost. well, maybe i am too far gone where even with zoloft/anti depressant pills that i've grown used to being depressed where i can't even enjoy myself. i do not feel like going outside my room for fresh air. what i do feel like is lying in bed and sleeping on a sunday afternoon? for a time period, about 6 years, i've forced myself to fucking stay up in the daytime and only going to sleep or staying in my bed at night. i thought that it would make me energetic, it would help kill my depression and make me into a better person. instead, nothing changed. the same thing with me leaving my curtains open throughout the day and the nighttime. my ocd had me thinking that "hey, if you leave your curtains open, you'll become smarter and you're depression will go away." i seriously thought that. i seriously believed that it would make a difference. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was searching for a solution because i was desperate for a change. i was desperate for comfort in a time where the pain was overwhelming me where i just couldn't take it anymore. it was like i had become irrational because i felt hopeless. it was like i tried to take matters into my own hands despite me only just basically daydreaming and being delusional thinking that doing some stupid shit or being experimental would make me into a better person.
but i never answered the question to why i was depressed. i'm depressed because i don't feel happy with myself or my life at all. i am still bothered by the past. i am bothered by what i see around me. i am bothered by the people that are around me. i am bothered by my environment. i am also bothered by myself as well. you know, it all boils down to a state of hopeless that nothing will get better because i just can't find any happiness in myself and i certainly can't see it in anything else around me. you know, i was born into a world that was fucked up and i so happened to be born as a person where my physical and mental characteristics didn't match up to what's acceptable in society. people don't realize this but you know, being a black in society is tough. you know, here you are trying to be treated like a human being but people and their ignorance basically take over. they basically are that fucked up where they have to look @ you with their eyes. they have to look @ how you look. they basically forget that you're as human as they are and they treat you like trash off of little stupid shit that doesn't even matter. they don't have to like you BUT that doesn't give them the right to treat you or to look at you less than a human being where they treat and view the fucking dogs with more respect than you do. you know, that's the world that i was born in. that's only an example though with using my skin color. then having to deal with people that may not like you simply because they don't like you and they go about it in a way which is wrong. they think that they have every reason to assault you or be violent with you simply because they don't like you. you pretty much want to live in peace and happiness BUT the world around you is trying to make you into a hateful person until you become that person towards yourself. you don't fit in, your peers don't treat you respect, your family basically expects you to deal with whatever hate you get thrown towards you without realizing how the hate and the treatment you get hurts you. you're basically misunderstood and you soon are finding ways how to ease your hurt and that hurt only grows into something else. you spend more time trying to ease your pain than focusing on the things that are most important to you. soon it becomes your main focus where you simply forget about your priorities because easing your pain is a top priority and becomes your life. i guess that's why many people become drug addicts or turn towards things that hurt them in order to deal with life because the pain comes to great where they simply can't enjoy life without making it go away.
you know, it sucks that stupid ass factors affect my life. bad enough things are the way they are.
then you times that with certain people around you. you can't escape. you can't run from them. you want the same things like everyone else such as being accepted BUT you damn well know that that's not going to happen. people will be people and you just have to "deal with it". but when you have so much pain in you and etc and nothing works, "dealing with it" becomes unbearable.
that's how my ass ended up seeking out help thinking that there was hope but there is no hope. do i really want to live the rest of my life feeling fucking terrible? i can feel myself getting cold and a bit chilly in a sense. i feel that sad.
i wasn't going to say anything because i hate having to say this shit knowing that other people will see it and their reactions will be to tell me to "shut the fuck up" as if my pain is bothering them by just saying it. so i was going to keep it to myself. i don't want anybody telling me things are going to be okay or trying to say things thinking they're going to uplift me when it's not going to change anything. there's really nothing anybody can do. NOTHING. it irks me to think that this is how i'm going to be for the rest of my life. i hate to say that i might as well give up hope and learn how to be sad and blue forever and then have people around me all wondering what the fuck is wrong and etc. then when i tell them, they basically don't get it and think that it's easy to snap out of it when i keep getting hit in the face with it 24/7.
Thursday, March 07, 2013
should i go to sleep or should i stay awake?
right now, i feel like i want to go to sleep. there's really nothing to do right now as far as i'm concerned. i wasn't going to say anything but right now, i have to put my thoughts on the pad to speak on it.
you know, it's been awhile since i was posting. all last year, i kept my thoughts to myself because what i wanted to say, i couldn't say out of fear. i was afraid of admitting that i was gay on the blog. i was afraid of saying that i went to a gay bar or two to get used to hanging around other gay people. i was scared to say what was going on with my life out of fear that someone that knew me personally since from time to time, some of my homeboys do peep this blog out, don't think they are anymore since they're busy with life, and i didn't want to tell them the news before i did. you know, i'm tired as fuck anyway. i feel that the more i hide the truth, the more it's going to build up like how my whole entire experience of being closeted was, man. it was something that was building up to the point where it came out because it was just too much to hide. you know, a crush on a professor that i had in college plus weed then really losing touch with reality just did it where i spoke my thoughts. i had to go into hiding for a bit in 2012 because i wasn't ready to fess up. the truth was hard to admit.
but while i'm repeating what i said in the last blog entry, keep this in mind, this whole entire experience is still new to me and it's always going to be shocking since i haven't really grown used to it yet. i will eventually and soon enough. haha.
but what i want to talk about is being afraid. you know, i'm a very fearful person. i usually am paranoid about things going wrong in my life or happening to me that i have no control over. i'm afraid that i might get hurt. i'm afraid of losing my loved ones. i'm afraid of going to sleep and not waking up. i'm afraid that i'll die a virgin and that i'll never know what love and romance feels like. ever since i was a teenager, fuck it, i'll even go as far to say when i was 10, i wanted to know what it felt like to experience love and romance. it was something that i saw on tv all the time and around me. you know, it was a weird feeling to even think of myself being in that position where someone would show that type of emotional bonding towards me but i never had the opportunity to experience it. all the times where i felt that it was going to happen, i ran away scared because i don't think that i was ready for it. i really didn't think that i could handle it. the fear had overwhelmed me to the point where what i've been longing for the most didn't seem to worth experiencing. the fear got to me where i was like "oh my god, sex. i didn't want to have it." when i was closeted and trying to get myself to like women, it was the fact that i was afraid that my worst fears at the time would be confirmed. it was like "what happens if i date this woman and i REALLY don't feel any form of romantic bonding or sexual desire for her at all?" i already felt that way when dealing with women as long as i could remember. even back in high school, i really wasn't feeling any of the girls like that. it was like i had to like a chick in order to hide the fact that i was not secure with my sexuality at all. i pretty much blamed the girls for why i couldn't get myself to like them or why i wasn't talking to them. it wasn't their fault yet i was blaming them for that shit. i was like "fuck bitches. they don't show me no love." that was really, "i had no attraction for women and i was scared to admit it". it was hard to admit but i did it though. now, that i admitted that shit that i like guys, it's all about coming out and finding a guy that likes me as much as i like him. the good thing is at least i feel that i'm no longer pressuring myself to do something that isn't naturally in me such as pretending or forcing myself to be straight. i can be gay and live with myself. however, i realize that although i've grown content with being gay. i want to enjoy it. i've done a bit of it from masturbating to other guys. i used to masturbate to guys when i was younger but stopped when i realized that the feelings i had towards guys was more than i thought i did where i was gay for sure. i really want to be able to experience love since i know who i am now. it's that it hasn't been easy finding somebody though. they say that i should come out first but to tell you the truth, i don't feel like waiting. i'm impatient. i want to fucking date. i want to have sex. i want to cuddle. i feel that i can come out on my own time but me not being entirely out yet shouldn't find me back from dating or being in a relationship. there are other things that i need to take care of such as a job but i want to fucking date. i've been on okcupid and it's been a fucking struggle. i've talked to a guy on a friend tip and to tell you the truth, i thought he was cool. i knew it wasn't going to work on that type of thing because he seemed more like a friend if anything. the most a fuck buddy but that's about it. i didn't feel that strong connection to him where i wanted to date him or felt really drawn onto him.
you know, when i had a crush on a particular guy, the thought of cuddling with him although i never did was more than enough for me. you know, when i really like somebody, it's the simple things that seem to matter to me more than the complex things. sex probably would be all that BUT the fact that i could cuddle with them, kiss and watch tv with them to me is more thrilling than everything else. thinking back about when i wanted to be straight and that whole yang ying bullshit, i couldn't do that with a woman and feel happy about it thinking about that. i would feel that there's something missing. something that's not exciting. something that is lacking and feels forced. i wouldn't be able to reciprocate the emotions that she has for me back to her because i just don't have it in me as i'm not attracted to her. with guys on the other hand, i can see myself being completely happy and not feel that something is missing. i know that's what i want. a he not a she. i guess that comes apart with liking men when you are truly gay. it just feels right. it feels like everything is right and that everything makes sense. one hug or one moment of cuddling with a guy that you really like is MORE enjoyable and thrilling than trying to eye a woman with a fat ass that you just don't feel anything for. it all makes sense. i wish that i could meet that guy if i haven't met him yet or if i already met him, he comes back into my life where we can finish where we left off because i've been waiting for a long fucking time. i really need to experience some romance in my life. i'm ready to show it when it's time.
but as far as going to sleep, i'm torn between whether i should take a cat nap or stay up. i usually rest in bed and watch tv because it's cold outside. you know, i'm thinking about changing my bed sheets right now and i will in a second. you know, the zoloft has me comfortable where i don't have that bullshit thinking in my head anymore where i thinik that something bad is going to happen if i decide to lie in my bed. the most that will probably happen is that i won't be able to sleep at night. FUCK, help me out please anybody who's reading this. my shrink says that i shouldn't go to sleep in the daytime if i ever plan on sleeping at night. i like to listen to music at night as well. i think that i'm going to stay awake. i forgot why i love typing into this blog and etc. it's fucking fun. now that i got myself open to speak my mind and etc.
you know, it's been awhile since i was posting. all last year, i kept my thoughts to myself because what i wanted to say, i couldn't say out of fear. i was afraid of admitting that i was gay on the blog. i was afraid of saying that i went to a gay bar or two to get used to hanging around other gay people. i was scared to say what was going on with my life out of fear that someone that knew me personally since from time to time, some of my homeboys do peep this blog out, don't think they are anymore since they're busy with life, and i didn't want to tell them the news before i did. you know, i'm tired as fuck anyway. i feel that the more i hide the truth, the more it's going to build up like how my whole entire experience of being closeted was, man. it was something that was building up to the point where it came out because it was just too much to hide. you know, a crush on a professor that i had in college plus weed then really losing touch with reality just did it where i spoke my thoughts. i had to go into hiding for a bit in 2012 because i wasn't ready to fess up. the truth was hard to admit.
but while i'm repeating what i said in the last blog entry, keep this in mind, this whole entire experience is still new to me and it's always going to be shocking since i haven't really grown used to it yet. i will eventually and soon enough. haha.
but what i want to talk about is being afraid. you know, i'm a very fearful person. i usually am paranoid about things going wrong in my life or happening to me that i have no control over. i'm afraid that i might get hurt. i'm afraid of losing my loved ones. i'm afraid of going to sleep and not waking up. i'm afraid that i'll die a virgin and that i'll never know what love and romance feels like. ever since i was a teenager, fuck it, i'll even go as far to say when i was 10, i wanted to know what it felt like to experience love and romance. it was something that i saw on tv all the time and around me. you know, it was a weird feeling to even think of myself being in that position where someone would show that type of emotional bonding towards me but i never had the opportunity to experience it. all the times where i felt that it was going to happen, i ran away scared because i don't think that i was ready for it. i really didn't think that i could handle it. the fear had overwhelmed me to the point where what i've been longing for the most didn't seem to worth experiencing. the fear got to me where i was like "oh my god, sex. i didn't want to have it." when i was closeted and trying to get myself to like women, it was the fact that i was afraid that my worst fears at the time would be confirmed. it was like "what happens if i date this woman and i REALLY don't feel any form of romantic bonding or sexual desire for her at all?" i already felt that way when dealing with women as long as i could remember. even back in high school, i really wasn't feeling any of the girls like that. it was like i had to like a chick in order to hide the fact that i was not secure with my sexuality at all. i pretty much blamed the girls for why i couldn't get myself to like them or why i wasn't talking to them. it wasn't their fault yet i was blaming them for that shit. i was like "fuck bitches. they don't show me no love." that was really, "i had no attraction for women and i was scared to admit it". it was hard to admit but i did it though. now, that i admitted that shit that i like guys, it's all about coming out and finding a guy that likes me as much as i like him. the good thing is at least i feel that i'm no longer pressuring myself to do something that isn't naturally in me such as pretending or forcing myself to be straight. i can be gay and live with myself. however, i realize that although i've grown content with being gay. i want to enjoy it. i've done a bit of it from masturbating to other guys. i used to masturbate to guys when i was younger but stopped when i realized that the feelings i had towards guys was more than i thought i did where i was gay for sure. i really want to be able to experience love since i know who i am now. it's that it hasn't been easy finding somebody though. they say that i should come out first but to tell you the truth, i don't feel like waiting. i'm impatient. i want to fucking date. i want to have sex. i want to cuddle. i feel that i can come out on my own time but me not being entirely out yet shouldn't find me back from dating or being in a relationship. there are other things that i need to take care of such as a job but i want to fucking date. i've been on okcupid and it's been a fucking struggle. i've talked to a guy on a friend tip and to tell you the truth, i thought he was cool. i knew it wasn't going to work on that type of thing because he seemed more like a friend if anything. the most a fuck buddy but that's about it. i didn't feel that strong connection to him where i wanted to date him or felt really drawn onto him.
you know, when i had a crush on a particular guy, the thought of cuddling with him although i never did was more than enough for me. you know, when i really like somebody, it's the simple things that seem to matter to me more than the complex things. sex probably would be all that BUT the fact that i could cuddle with them, kiss and watch tv with them to me is more thrilling than everything else. thinking back about when i wanted to be straight and that whole yang ying bullshit, i couldn't do that with a woman and feel happy about it thinking about that. i would feel that there's something missing. something that's not exciting. something that is lacking and feels forced. i wouldn't be able to reciprocate the emotions that she has for me back to her because i just don't have it in me as i'm not attracted to her. with guys on the other hand, i can see myself being completely happy and not feel that something is missing. i know that's what i want. a he not a she. i guess that comes apart with liking men when you are truly gay. it just feels right. it feels like everything is right and that everything makes sense. one hug or one moment of cuddling with a guy that you really like is MORE enjoyable and thrilling than trying to eye a woman with a fat ass that you just don't feel anything for. it all makes sense. i wish that i could meet that guy if i haven't met him yet or if i already met him, he comes back into my life where we can finish where we left off because i've been waiting for a long fucking time. i really need to experience some romance in my life. i'm ready to show it when it's time.
but as far as going to sleep, i'm torn between whether i should take a cat nap or stay up. i usually rest in bed and watch tv because it's cold outside. you know, i'm thinking about changing my bed sheets right now and i will in a second. you know, the zoloft has me comfortable where i don't have that bullshit thinking in my head anymore where i thinik that something bad is going to happen if i decide to lie in my bed. the most that will probably happen is that i won't be able to sleep at night. FUCK, help me out please anybody who's reading this. my shrink says that i shouldn't go to sleep in the daytime if i ever plan on sleeping at night. i like to listen to music at night as well. i think that i'm going to stay awake. i forgot why i love typing into this blog and etc. it's fucking fun. now that i got myself open to speak my mind and etc.
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
managing my anger and not letting my anger manage me.
you know, i'm a bit heated right now. you know, there some things that really are frustrated me right now as i speak and i'm just blowing up inside. you know, it's like a chain reaction of anger which just results in my fire, fire, fire, explosions, fire, fire, fire and etc. i feel like fucking stomping my feet down on some fucking stomp the yard shit. just stomp, stomp, stomp. slamming my feet down to show how angry i am. i'm PISSED. why the fuck am i pissed? i'm frustrated that i'm not getting any love from the dudes on okcupid. what the fuck, man? fuck all those motherfuckers. fuck them. fuck those bitchmade motherfuckers. i had to get that off my chest. i'm so fucking sick and tired of being passed up and treated like a fucking unwanted piece of shit. damn, what the fuck, man. same old shit, different day and at the end, it's me who gets mad, irritated, wanting to fucking put somebody's light out because i'm suffering in silence.
you know, i could care less about being rejected and etc but at the same time, when will it be my turn. fuck hearing about what everybody else is going through. i could care less about a motherfucker and his relationships. call me selfish and conceited but you, i'm tired of hearing about everything enjoying themselves, kicking it and etc, getting shit that i struggle to get and then they tell me about how i should be happy, should cheer up, should be like "golly", everything's going nice and fucking well as if i can't get mad. fuck that shit, i'm mad, bitch and nobody can tell me shit about it. tired of watching the world enjoy itself while i suffer and get the fucking hand me downs and being fucking bystander. yo, if i can't have any fun, motherfuckers ain't gonna have any fun either. just straight up making motherfuckers lives miserable every chance i get because they fucking deserve it. fuck anybody who thinks otherwise.
Monday, March 04, 2013
i feel bad for this kid right here.
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/queens/queens_teen_hard_road_9dTtOujQPp0M0qzKWyP1FK?photo_num=12
dude has to take the bus and train all the way up to the bronx from far rockaway. FUCKING CRAZY!!!! i imagine that his high school was damaged from the hurricane that came here last october. that's a kid determined to learn. *thumbs up*
dude has to take the bus and train all the way up to the bronx from far rockaway. FUCKING CRAZY!!!! i imagine that his high school was damaged from the hurricane that came here last october. that's a kid determined to learn. *thumbs up*
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