i'm frustrated because i can't express myself my way without people such as my family misunderstanding me and telling me to conform to their way.
i'm frustrated because i ask for help but when i try to get it, the people that have the power to help me fuck me over or don't help me
i'm frustrated because i'm around people that like to show off, like to be flashy, are getting it in and then i have to deal with being in the same fucking hole living a miserable existence and i get told by others to smile about it, work hard for it when shit isn't FUCKING easy
i'm frustrated because i cannot express my emotions, my anger, my sadness, and my pain without some son of a bitch or a daughter of a bitch coming through and telling me that i can't fucking do so. maybe if i whipped your ass or got in your face and made you the subject of my feelings you would be feeling different. how about you shut the fuck up and mind your business if you're not going to help me at all or even try to understand where the fuck i'm coming from.
i'm frustrated because i'm trying my hardest to be me, survive on my on two and it's NOT enough.
i'm frustrated because every little fucking thing i do where i'm just being me or whatever has to be fucking critiqued by some fucking body. the way i walk, the way i talk, how i sleep, what i do. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. CAN I JUST BE MYSELF WITHOUT YOU TRYING TO FORCE YOUR FUCKING OPINION ABOUT ME AND WHATEVER. YOU WONDER WHY I DON'T HAVE CONFIDENCE. how about you allowing me to be content with my fucking self? i'm talking about EVERYBODY. my mother, my father, my brother, my neighbors, the boss at my job, EVERYBODY. i can't fucking be me yo. everybody has a fucking problem with me but yet they want me to kiss their ass when they're being them even when they're fucking up or when they're doing something i don't like. i'm a hater but yet it's okay when you do what you do.
i'm frustrated because i've been feeling like shit for the past fucking 14 years almost and it's killing me and it seems like i can't do SHIT about it because the resources to get better aren't there. i don't think i have it in me. i'm going down.
now see, i was going to eat my dinner but i know how my mom is going to tell me off about "you're eating your dinner at 2 in the morning. you have bad habits. you did nothing all day. you need to find a job and womp womp womp, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT. i'm not in the fucking mood for your criticism. i don't care how much you think you're helping me by telling me shit but as of right now, i'm feeling like shit. i don't need anybody to push me over the edge yo.
i don't feel like having to be in the fucking position where i have to be controlled by someone else or someone else to tell me how the fuck i should live my life.
man.. honestly, i should have killed somebody right now to make a statement about how i really feel. i don't know. i might do it but as of now, i don't even know anymore. i'm mad, i'm angry, i'm heated and i'm TIRED mentally, physically and emotionally. i'm tired. i've been here many times but this is like... one of the worst periods of my life. it's like i feel like cutting one of these motherfucker's throats or whatever because i'm that annoyed and frustrated. FUCK THESE MOTHERFUCKERS, MAN. i damn sure don't feel like hearing what anybody has to say either. it would be better for someone to say something positive instead of negative though. i'm not in the mood to hear that shit.
i'm just so fucking sick and tired of having to deal with bullshit for so fucking long. me trying to get myself out of it, me trying to live a happier fucking life and somehow, someway, it fucking gets further and further away from me. you know and then people have to rob that goddamn shit.
you know, it reminds me of this guy who i'm not going to say any names. here i am trying to be cool with him. i'm talking to him and whatever. he's trying to do whatever. i don't know what the deal with him is but.. i'm just being me right and dude starts cracking on me to be funny in front of me and others to be slick. like i'm not in the mood for this shit yo. i'm tired of fuckers getting like that. i'm just tired. i'm so frustrated that i can't even put my feelings into words any fucking more. i'm that annoyed.
yo.... i'm going to avoid my mom and my father because i don't feel like hearing anything from their mouths. my mom is going to say something as she usually does about why i'm up and i don't want to hear it tonight. you know.... i really don't want to lash out on people but it seems like i'm going to have to do that. since i'm not going to kill myself or hurt them. it seems like i'm going to have to shit on people verbally just cause i have no choice.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 05, 2012
i'm around people that just don't FUCKING listen.
yeah, my whole entire family and shit. they just don't fucking listen.
the reason why i'm here even ranting for this long or even found the internet and web forums in the first place is simply because i'm around people that do not know how to listen.
i'm hearing my mom talk to me about how i have a bad attitude, how i am this, that and whatever yet i try to explain and have been trying to explain to her shit for the last how many years ever since i was a kid but once again, she never FUCKING listens. she listens to herself and just goes about whatever without even listening to the person that is trying to talk to her. she wonders why i'm basically getting annoyed with whatever she's saying because she's just going on and on and on about whatever. why am i going to listen to you when you can't even stop for a second to listen to what the fuck i have to say? i've heard you, your story and everything else. you talk about me as if you know how it is to be in my shoes and whatever. i've told you what it's like and you simply brushed me off. then you wonder why i do whatever i do, you have the nerve to ask questions and talk shit. you're busy talking about my attitude and what not but yet your ass must have not paid much attention to realizing why.
this whole thing started when i pretty much decided to go to the bathroom when my mom called me to handle something. that is completely my fault. i understand that. however, i do not feel like i should be blamed for my brother's ignorance. my brother is going to come at me with a fucking phone knowing that i'm in the bathroom naked with no fucking clothes on about to take a shower. he has the phone with someone on the line. it never occurred to him to tell the person that i'm in the bathroom and that he could do the thing for me or write it down on paper so i can do it myself. so i end up getting the phone with someone on the line in regards to whatever situation that involves me and he goes off telling me "he doesn't care" which really got me even more upset.
what i'm upset about is how i'm around people who seem to want me to be on the same page with them, where they tell me about their issues, expect me to deal with them and etc BUT yet when i tell them my side of the story or deal with them, they can't FUCKING do the same thing with me. all i'm asking is for mutual respect. that's it. these people around me want me to bend over backwards without hearing where i'm coming from or even thinking about me and what i'm going through YET when i need them, where the fuck are they at? it's all about them. sure they might do things for me here and there and that's nice of them but then again, i wonder if they even bother to know how the fuck i feel or even think about ME. you know, i try best to understand and relate to others even when they're distant from me such as my father. but i end up getting the short end of the stick because they're either selfish or have their own little fucking intentions going on.
but back to that whole phone mess, i'm naked and i'm running back and forth to my room with my fucking cell phone. i was upset. then after the whole situation, my mom tells me about how i was wrong, how i shouldn't have done that and tries to covers my brother's ass like how she usually does. she claims she doesn't BUT yet she does. she'll justify his ass on whatever fucking wrong he does regardless and then she jump on my case for the same shit. it's like my brother could do a whole lot of bullshit to me and then she'll be all nice and easy on him yet if it's me, she'll be like "you can't do that". it's almost like i'm the older brother and he's the younger one yet it's the other way around.
hell... then i have to deal with a shitload of other problems but once again, i'm around people that don't care to listen so i'm all by myself. i'm not asking for them to solve my problems but rather be a support to me since i'm not all that confident to begin with. what the fuck happens though? oh... you got that. so then when i feel the way i feel, angry as all hell, not even wanting to speak to anybody, chilling on the computer and handling shit my way. my mom wonders why. since you can't be of any support to me and are going to toss a whole lot of bs thinking that it's support... i would rather not use your help. i also know that in the near future, you are not even going to be supportive towards me in regards of certain things i will inform you about anyway because i know your track record in regards to being supportive with me handling my issues.
like you want to know why i'm mad, mom. IT'S BECAUSE I'M DEALING WITH ISSUES IN MY LIFE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. I NEVER DID KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. I TOLD YOU THINKING THAT YOU KNEW THE ANSWER OR YOU WOULD GIVE A FUCK TO EVEN HELP ME OUT WITH THEM BUT YOU DIDN'T CARE. SO HEY, I GREW UP INTO MY OWN MAN AND I DEALT WITH MY ISSUES MY WAY. I LOVE YOU MOM BUT HONESTLY, I'M ALONE BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED THAT ALL I HAVE IS MY BACK AND YOU TAUGHT ME AT AN EARLY AGE THAT SO NOW I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE.
the reason why i'm here even ranting for this long or even found the internet and web forums in the first place is simply because i'm around people that do not know how to listen.
i'm hearing my mom talk to me about how i have a bad attitude, how i am this, that and whatever yet i try to explain and have been trying to explain to her shit for the last how many years ever since i was a kid but once again, she never FUCKING listens. she listens to herself and just goes about whatever without even listening to the person that is trying to talk to her. she wonders why i'm basically getting annoyed with whatever she's saying because she's just going on and on and on about whatever. why am i going to listen to you when you can't even stop for a second to listen to what the fuck i have to say? i've heard you, your story and everything else. you talk about me as if you know how it is to be in my shoes and whatever. i've told you what it's like and you simply brushed me off. then you wonder why i do whatever i do, you have the nerve to ask questions and talk shit. you're busy talking about my attitude and what not but yet your ass must have not paid much attention to realizing why.
this whole thing started when i pretty much decided to go to the bathroom when my mom called me to handle something. that is completely my fault. i understand that. however, i do not feel like i should be blamed for my brother's ignorance. my brother is going to come at me with a fucking phone knowing that i'm in the bathroom naked with no fucking clothes on about to take a shower. he has the phone with someone on the line. it never occurred to him to tell the person that i'm in the bathroom and that he could do the thing for me or write it down on paper so i can do it myself. so i end up getting the phone with someone on the line in regards to whatever situation that involves me and he goes off telling me "he doesn't care" which really got me even more upset.
what i'm upset about is how i'm around people who seem to want me to be on the same page with them, where they tell me about their issues, expect me to deal with them and etc BUT yet when i tell them my side of the story or deal with them, they can't FUCKING do the same thing with me. all i'm asking is for mutual respect. that's it. these people around me want me to bend over backwards without hearing where i'm coming from or even thinking about me and what i'm going through YET when i need them, where the fuck are they at? it's all about them. sure they might do things for me here and there and that's nice of them but then again, i wonder if they even bother to know how the fuck i feel or even think about ME. you know, i try best to understand and relate to others even when they're distant from me such as my father. but i end up getting the short end of the stick because they're either selfish or have their own little fucking intentions going on.
but back to that whole phone mess, i'm naked and i'm running back and forth to my room with my fucking cell phone. i was upset. then after the whole situation, my mom tells me about how i was wrong, how i shouldn't have done that and tries to covers my brother's ass like how she usually does. she claims she doesn't BUT yet she does. she'll justify his ass on whatever fucking wrong he does regardless and then she jump on my case for the same shit. it's like my brother could do a whole lot of bullshit to me and then she'll be all nice and easy on him yet if it's me, she'll be like "you can't do that". it's almost like i'm the older brother and he's the younger one yet it's the other way around.
hell... then i have to deal with a shitload of other problems but once again, i'm around people that don't care to listen so i'm all by myself. i'm not asking for them to solve my problems but rather be a support to me since i'm not all that confident to begin with. what the fuck happens though? oh... you got that. so then when i feel the way i feel, angry as all hell, not even wanting to speak to anybody, chilling on the computer and handling shit my way. my mom wonders why. since you can't be of any support to me and are going to toss a whole lot of bs thinking that it's support... i would rather not use your help. i also know that in the near future, you are not even going to be supportive towards me in regards of certain things i will inform you about anyway because i know your track record in regards to being supportive with me handling my issues.
like you want to know why i'm mad, mom. IT'S BECAUSE I'M DEALING WITH ISSUES IN MY LIFE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. I NEVER DID KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. I TOLD YOU THINKING THAT YOU KNEW THE ANSWER OR YOU WOULD GIVE A FUCK TO EVEN HELP ME OUT WITH THEM BUT YOU DIDN'T CARE. SO HEY, I GREW UP INTO MY OWN MAN AND I DEALT WITH MY ISSUES MY WAY. I LOVE YOU MOM BUT HONESTLY, I'M ALONE BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED THAT ALL I HAVE IS MY BACK AND YOU TAUGHT ME AT AN EARLY AGE THAT SO NOW I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
giving a quick shout out, i'm NOT dead yet.
alive and well.
you know, i've always been someone that has expressed his feelings no matter how embarrassing or fucked up it may sound but fuck it... i'ma talk.
okay, i'm insecure about my looks. you know, speaking for myself, i actually look in the mirror and check myself out. there's times when i feel i look good but when i take a picture of myself on the webcam or my brother's digital camera that's sitting right by my ps3, i get horrified and disgusted at how ugly i look. i look like jay-z. big ass lips, nose looking kind of big too, my forehead looks small and i look all disfigured and shit. then i look at photos of models and other people that others find attractive and i get jealous. like goddamn, how could i be this ugly? i didn't look bad as a kid or in my teenage years but when i was getting into my 20s, i got really ugly. i already didn't think too highly of myself to begin with. i felt like i was stupid because i didn't know much even though my ego made me feel like i did. hell, it was my way of surviving or dealing with the fact that i felt i was stupid. then there was the fact that others perceived me as different and i guess my insecurities pick up on that instead of ignoring them and go about my way. now i'm exercising that option even though it's a bit difficult and i wish i did that when i was in high school and when i was younger but now, it's a habit. i've grown accustomed to being self conscious and worrying about what others say or think about me.
you know, i put my photo up on some web forums and you know, i guess other people do agree with me. one person thought i was hideous. some other people tried to do some pity shit where they knew i wasn't good looking but said some shit to make me not feel as bad as i already did because they must have been like "it sucks to have your face". either that or they're being real cool. but then again, their opinions about me really aren't shit compared to how i feel about myself and yes, i hate myself. i don't want to die but i still am not my biggest fan. i'll survive though. unless something happens to me where someone kills me or i get ran over by a car or something, i'll still be here sad as hell wondering why the fuck am i going through this shit?
you know something. i find myself to be my biggest enemy and i've always have been. there's certain things that are happening in my life right now which are stressing me out and the fear is pretty much killing me. the past 7 years of this blog, the main theme is me crying while running away from my life. instead of choosing to deal with these matters and get them out the way, i've selected to say fuck it and run. i've said things about how i would drive far away from here and live in a new town to do whatever i want to do. i've said things where i would kill myself to get out of some shit and other things that involve ducking, hiding, and backing down away from shit. but now at this point and time as well as the past few moments since i've been out of school and have had time to think about my life, my feet is tired from running so damn much. I'M TIRED. it's gotten to the point where i'm starting to ask myself what or who am i running from and where the hell am i running to? my issues will follow me whether i choose to run away or not. i know i'm the problem so what sense would it make. the problem i have will just be in the woods with me. i've been thinking of ways to deal with them. i've gone to seek help to help me learn how to not run away from shit and how to deal with them even if i don't want or like the effects that will happen in doing so. it's been REALLY difficult but i'm happy in knowing that i have the balls to actually say "fuck this, i actually took a step to change my life". at the end of the day, i'll survive. i may be alone on this shit but i'll survive. i can't do nothing but that. i feel that looking at other people who been in the same shit or worse than me actually inspired me. the other thing that also inspired me is the fact that sooner or later, i was going to be confronted with this matter. i had NO choice yo. it was like i may have dodged a few bullets but fuck it, i was going to get shot because i knew what the time was so it was time to seek help. i would have went about it on my own and i've tried to talk to people on the web about it BUT i also needed to get myself involved with other people outside the computer so hey... i'm doing that right now.
i don't know about the future but at the same time, i hope that i won't feel like this in the near future. i guess age is kicking in because i'm beginning to see that there's no point in hurting someone or even being mad with someone over some bullshit. before i was that mad where i pretty much felt like i could kill somebody and live with that. nowadays, it's different. i just can't bring myself to be mad to the point where i want to hurt somebody. i know better. you know, i'm starting to realize that life isn't as bad as i made it out to seem and that everything's all good. everything's all love.
as for relationships, fucking and all, it's all good. see, another thing that has happened in concerned with me running away from shit is that i don't look at love as a fucking first priority anymore. it's more like "i'm not jumping into some shit to impress those around me". i wouldn't be happy in doing so anyway. that's not what i want to do. i'm fine the way i am and like i said, i'll survive.
you know, i've always been someone that has expressed his feelings no matter how embarrassing or fucked up it may sound but fuck it... i'ma talk.
okay, i'm insecure about my looks. you know, speaking for myself, i actually look in the mirror and check myself out. there's times when i feel i look good but when i take a picture of myself on the webcam or my brother's digital camera that's sitting right by my ps3, i get horrified and disgusted at how ugly i look. i look like jay-z. big ass lips, nose looking kind of big too, my forehead looks small and i look all disfigured and shit. then i look at photos of models and other people that others find attractive and i get jealous. like goddamn, how could i be this ugly? i didn't look bad as a kid or in my teenage years but when i was getting into my 20s, i got really ugly. i already didn't think too highly of myself to begin with. i felt like i was stupid because i didn't know much even though my ego made me feel like i did. hell, it was my way of surviving or dealing with the fact that i felt i was stupid. then there was the fact that others perceived me as different and i guess my insecurities pick up on that instead of ignoring them and go about my way. now i'm exercising that option even though it's a bit difficult and i wish i did that when i was in high school and when i was younger but now, it's a habit. i've grown accustomed to being self conscious and worrying about what others say or think about me.
you know, i put my photo up on some web forums and you know, i guess other people do agree with me. one person thought i was hideous. some other people tried to do some pity shit where they knew i wasn't good looking but said some shit to make me not feel as bad as i already did because they must have been like "it sucks to have your face". either that or they're being real cool. but then again, their opinions about me really aren't shit compared to how i feel about myself and yes, i hate myself. i don't want to die but i still am not my biggest fan. i'll survive though. unless something happens to me where someone kills me or i get ran over by a car or something, i'll still be here sad as hell wondering why the fuck am i going through this shit?
you know something. i find myself to be my biggest enemy and i've always have been. there's certain things that are happening in my life right now which are stressing me out and the fear is pretty much killing me. the past 7 years of this blog, the main theme is me crying while running away from my life. instead of choosing to deal with these matters and get them out the way, i've selected to say fuck it and run. i've said things about how i would drive far away from here and live in a new town to do whatever i want to do. i've said things where i would kill myself to get out of some shit and other things that involve ducking, hiding, and backing down away from shit. but now at this point and time as well as the past few moments since i've been out of school and have had time to think about my life, my feet is tired from running so damn much. I'M TIRED. it's gotten to the point where i'm starting to ask myself what or who am i running from and where the hell am i running to? my issues will follow me whether i choose to run away or not. i know i'm the problem so what sense would it make. the problem i have will just be in the woods with me. i've been thinking of ways to deal with them. i've gone to seek help to help me learn how to not run away from shit and how to deal with them even if i don't want or like the effects that will happen in doing so. it's been REALLY difficult but i'm happy in knowing that i have the balls to actually say "fuck this, i actually took a step to change my life". at the end of the day, i'll survive. i may be alone on this shit but i'll survive. i can't do nothing but that. i feel that looking at other people who been in the same shit or worse than me actually inspired me. the other thing that also inspired me is the fact that sooner or later, i was going to be confronted with this matter. i had NO choice yo. it was like i may have dodged a few bullets but fuck it, i was going to get shot because i knew what the time was so it was time to seek help. i would have went about it on my own and i've tried to talk to people on the web about it BUT i also needed to get myself involved with other people outside the computer so hey... i'm doing that right now.
i don't know about the future but at the same time, i hope that i won't feel like this in the near future. i guess age is kicking in because i'm beginning to see that there's no point in hurting someone or even being mad with someone over some bullshit. before i was that mad where i pretty much felt like i could kill somebody and live with that. nowadays, it's different. i just can't bring myself to be mad to the point where i want to hurt somebody. i know better. you know, i'm starting to realize that life isn't as bad as i made it out to seem and that everything's all good. everything's all love.
as for relationships, fucking and all, it's all good. see, another thing that has happened in concerned with me running away from shit is that i don't look at love as a fucking first priority anymore. it's more like "i'm not jumping into some shit to impress those around me". i wouldn't be happy in doing so anyway. that's not what i want to do. i'm fine the way i am and like i said, i'll survive.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
january 1st and i happen to be home on the computer.
alright, happy new years or whatever the fuck. really don't care too much to say that shit.
first off, i really don't feel like one of those happy go lucky dudes where since the ball dropped, i'm going to be like "i love you, i love everybody". man, trill talk, fuck that shit. nothing changed. just the time of day. if you were the same person yesterday, you are the same person today. my problems didn't change, i didn't change. it's just the time.
i can't do anything this year but even if i did, i don't see why people try to make new year's out to be something special. why do people wait for new years to start saying "i'm happy to be seeing another year"? no, you should be saying that shit every single time you wake up in the morning. you shouldn't wait to say "i love you" or wait to save your money up or even wait to formulate your plans to do something to help yourself. that's why i said FUCK A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION. if you really want to do it, you'll do it. you won't wait for january 1st to get busy doing what you have to do. if you're ambitious enough, you'll get started right away with it.
i had a drink of jack daniels and you know what, i was going to drink another but fuck that. i was like "hell naw, i'm good". i don't need to over do it. thinking about my L-I-F-E now. it brings me back to where i'm at, where i want to be, and where my head is at. the past few months, i've been thinking about who i am and where i am headed down the road. the thing that scares me is the future because as the days go by, it's coming up to decision time. i know what's coming. i know what's going to happen, the things that i have to do. i know what i have to do. 6 years ago, i didn't have a single idea but now i do. it's crazy because time is moving fast. very fast. before you know it, it's 2013. everybody is all anticipating the end of the world, well guess what? the world is NOT coming to an end. in fact, here's something i never understood. why would you want the world to end if you love life so much? why are you so eager to die? i mean... would people care if the world was going to end if they weren't going to die because that's what's going to happen. i find that very ironic and moronic. people basically talking about think positive, be happy that you're living and then turn around talking about "i'm waiting for judgement day", "i'm ready for the end of the world". fuck the end of the world. i HOPE that day NEVER comes. i don't WANT the world to end. shit, the world hasn't done shit to me for me to wish death on it. dayum, appreciate life, people.
well, with that said, i'm looking forward to a lot of shit this year and as for the things i have to do and will experience this year... i'm trying to be prepared for it but you can never prepare for what you do not know is coming. i hope that i will be around the same time next year to say that i'm happy that i lived through the whole 2012 but i do know that at this point forward, things will happen in my life. things that i know of and things that i don't know of and they will come and go. as time goes on, i'll blog about "life changes" and shit like that.
first off, i really don't feel like one of those happy go lucky dudes where since the ball dropped, i'm going to be like "i love you, i love everybody". man, trill talk, fuck that shit. nothing changed. just the time of day. if you were the same person yesterday, you are the same person today. my problems didn't change, i didn't change. it's just the time.
i can't do anything this year but even if i did, i don't see why people try to make new year's out to be something special. why do people wait for new years to start saying "i'm happy to be seeing another year"? no, you should be saying that shit every single time you wake up in the morning. you shouldn't wait to say "i love you" or wait to save your money up or even wait to formulate your plans to do something to help yourself. that's why i said FUCK A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION. if you really want to do it, you'll do it. you won't wait for january 1st to get busy doing what you have to do. if you're ambitious enough, you'll get started right away with it.
i had a drink of jack daniels and you know what, i was going to drink another but fuck that. i was like "hell naw, i'm good". i don't need to over do it. thinking about my L-I-F-E now. it brings me back to where i'm at, where i want to be, and where my head is at. the past few months, i've been thinking about who i am and where i am headed down the road. the thing that scares me is the future because as the days go by, it's coming up to decision time. i know what's coming. i know what's going to happen, the things that i have to do. i know what i have to do. 6 years ago, i didn't have a single idea but now i do. it's crazy because time is moving fast. very fast. before you know it, it's 2013. everybody is all anticipating the end of the world, well guess what? the world is NOT coming to an end. in fact, here's something i never understood. why would you want the world to end if you love life so much? why are you so eager to die? i mean... would people care if the world was going to end if they weren't going to die because that's what's going to happen. i find that very ironic and moronic. people basically talking about think positive, be happy that you're living and then turn around talking about "i'm waiting for judgement day", "i'm ready for the end of the world". fuck the end of the world. i HOPE that day NEVER comes. i don't WANT the world to end. shit, the world hasn't done shit to me for me to wish death on it. dayum, appreciate life, people.
well, with that said, i'm looking forward to a lot of shit this year and as for the things i have to do and will experience this year... i'm trying to be prepared for it but you can never prepare for what you do not know is coming. i hope that i will be around the same time next year to say that i'm happy that i lived through the whole 2012 but i do know that at this point forward, things will happen in my life. things that i know of and things that i don't know of and they will come and go. as time goes on, i'll blog about "life changes" and shit like that.
Monday, December 19, 2011
trill talk, haven't posted in a minute but fuck it.. had nothing to say but now i do
you know something. this world isn't shit and the people in it ain't shit either. i don't care what ANYBODY says. there's not a person in this world that can convince me that there are good people on this earth. everybody is ugly. everybody is fucked up. you know, i think about everybody, from family, to my homeboys, to the people i come and contact with but everybody is the same. yeah, people will treat you nice if they know you, there are people that care about you but at the same time, everybody is human which means motherfuckers will build you up and at the same time, break you down. you put somebody up on your shoulders well at least in my case, you put somebody up on your shoulders, you tell them everybody, you expect them to have your back, you spill your guts to them and they fucking let you down. they tell you that everything is okay, they PRETEND to give a fuck or whatever and they only let you down so fuck everybody.
when i talk with people, i don't know if there's something wrong with me, i honestly get three types of responses, people that are willing to talk to me like i'm a human being, people that act like they don't want to have shit to do with you, and the people that you see them come and go. same shit, different day. you know it makes me upset and angry that for the past 25 years, i've been trying to be normal, trying to be a part of the human race and i feel like a fucking alien. i'm not bugging out when i say this shit. i feel like i don't belong. looking at myself, i am physically weird. the limbs known as my legs aren't like everybody elses, my fingers are extremely skinny, i don't think like the average person, i don't act like the average person, don't walk like the average person and etc. at an early age, i was TOLD that i wasn't normal so they sent me where all the fucking abnormal people go to-special ed. my reason for going to special ed was NOT because i was retarded or slow. it was basically i didn't know how to talk. something within me mentally or whatever, wouldn't allow me to talk or speak so i got help for that. when i was able to do my thing, i went to fucking school and once again i was reminded that i wasn't normal and these people really let it known to me that i wasn't and could never be a part of the group. i felt lonely, i felt isolated and the whole nine. i just wanted to be accepted and treated like everybody else BUT i got the fucking opposite of that shit.
as time went by and having people constantly treat me the same fucking way and shit, growing up, i soon grew angry with myself wondering what was wrong with me that made everybody hate me or loathe me so much or made me feel like nobody wanted to be bothered with me. that's how i felt though. it was like i was by my FUCKING self all these years even though i had family, i had friends here and there and even when i was alone. i just felt like i didn't fucking belong because i didn't have what it took to be with people. so now i grow up and i feel the same fucking way i did before and i still long to be accepted by society but i KNOW that i'll never will be regardless. in a sense that has made me accept myself and at the same time, that has made me a bit angry and hostile towards other people where i feel like i have the right to hurt them. i mean... regardless, why should i give a fuck about somebody who's going to shit on me anyway? why should i give a fuck about them? man.... see, the only reason why i haven't killed anybody is that i feel that it's kind of pointless in doing so because if i'm not going to kill one person. it would also be stupid too. i would probably kill somebody for looking at me funny or would shoot somebody for saying something about me or doing something what i perceive would be disrespect. you know, i would kill somebody over nothing and at the same time, would justify that nothing as something. that's scary if you think about it. i would rather not draw that type of attention on myself, you know.
but i feel like i'll never be accepted by my peers and whatever so FUCK EVERYBODY. even when i'm with my family, i feel like my family doesn't understand me or doesn't care. i talk to them, i care about them but they don't understand me and where the fuck i come from. same thing with my homeboys except my homeboys seem to at least try to understand where i'm coming. you know, otherwise, i'm on the dolo tip. i'm all by myself. it sucks, man. i really don't know and understand anymore. fuck it.
when i talk with people, i don't know if there's something wrong with me, i honestly get three types of responses, people that are willing to talk to me like i'm a human being, people that act like they don't want to have shit to do with you, and the people that you see them come and go. same shit, different day. you know it makes me upset and angry that for the past 25 years, i've been trying to be normal, trying to be a part of the human race and i feel like a fucking alien. i'm not bugging out when i say this shit. i feel like i don't belong. looking at myself, i am physically weird. the limbs known as my legs aren't like everybody elses, my fingers are extremely skinny, i don't think like the average person, i don't act like the average person, don't walk like the average person and etc. at an early age, i was TOLD that i wasn't normal so they sent me where all the fucking abnormal people go to-special ed. my reason for going to special ed was NOT because i was retarded or slow. it was basically i didn't know how to talk. something within me mentally or whatever, wouldn't allow me to talk or speak so i got help for that. when i was able to do my thing, i went to fucking school and once again i was reminded that i wasn't normal and these people really let it known to me that i wasn't and could never be a part of the group. i felt lonely, i felt isolated and the whole nine. i just wanted to be accepted and treated like everybody else BUT i got the fucking opposite of that shit.
as time went by and having people constantly treat me the same fucking way and shit, growing up, i soon grew angry with myself wondering what was wrong with me that made everybody hate me or loathe me so much or made me feel like nobody wanted to be bothered with me. that's how i felt though. it was like i was by my FUCKING self all these years even though i had family, i had friends here and there and even when i was alone. i just felt like i didn't fucking belong because i didn't have what it took to be with people. so now i grow up and i feel the same fucking way i did before and i still long to be accepted by society but i KNOW that i'll never will be regardless. in a sense that has made me accept myself and at the same time, that has made me a bit angry and hostile towards other people where i feel like i have the right to hurt them. i mean... regardless, why should i give a fuck about somebody who's going to shit on me anyway? why should i give a fuck about them? man.... see, the only reason why i haven't killed anybody is that i feel that it's kind of pointless in doing so because if i'm not going to kill one person. it would also be stupid too. i would probably kill somebody for looking at me funny or would shoot somebody for saying something about me or doing something what i perceive would be disrespect. you know, i would kill somebody over nothing and at the same time, would justify that nothing as something. that's scary if you think about it. i would rather not draw that type of attention on myself, you know.
but i feel like i'll never be accepted by my peers and whatever so FUCK EVERYBODY. even when i'm with my family, i feel like my family doesn't understand me or doesn't care. i talk to them, i care about them but they don't understand me and where the fuck i come from. same thing with my homeboys except my homeboys seem to at least try to understand where i'm coming. you know, otherwise, i'm on the dolo tip. i'm all by myself. it sucks, man. i really don't know and understand anymore. fuck it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
today is a good day. sike, i lied. today ain't shit.
neither was good or bad. haven't ate yet. ahowered just now and shit. about to eat, going to write in my journal, masturbate as well but honestly, i feel like doing something different. might watch wire episoeds all night or whatever.
i played some of my video games and they kind of are boring me right now. played midnight club los angeles and damn, i lost interest real quick playing that shit. real quick. same thing with tekken 6. i need some new games.
but with that said, there's nothing else left to say. don't feel like wilding out. i had a song in my head about the ice cream man or whatever sort of like some master p ice cream truck song parody. "bitch you already know what the fuck is up, slowing down, doing drive by's in an ice cream truck" that was one of the lines to the hook. just being silly. well, said enough and that's that.
i played some of my video games and they kind of are boring me right now. played midnight club los angeles and damn, i lost interest real quick playing that shit. real quick. same thing with tekken 6. i need some new games.
but with that said, there's nothing else left to say. don't feel like wilding out. i had a song in my head about the ice cream man or whatever sort of like some master p ice cream truck song parody. "bitch you already know what the fuck is up, slowing down, doing drive by's in an ice cream truck" that was one of the lines to the hook. just being silly. well, said enough and that's that.
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