i beat my dick like it owes me money.. i said FUCK IT.
can't you understand, that i make love to my hand..
yo.. you know what made my motherfucking day today. i made passionate love to my hand. damn right... i couldn't have it any other way. well... pause right there because the other way would be pussy. i would like to have it with my hand and with some pussy around my dick BUT back to today.. before today ends.. i beat my dick up today and i drove around in my mother's car. we talked about shit, shit and more shit then i went back home. went to the gym to get my gymnasty on you know.. i didn't really do anything in the gym really. i was going to do squats but somebody else was using that squat machine. i'm rocking with the 45s on both sides now with that shit. hopefully i could bench press 45s on the sides now. WORD UP.. my frailure ass needs to shippy shape up. so anyways.. while i'm writing this shit.. i was so bored that i decided to go to mtv.com and watch reruns of the real world brooklyn. at least i was about until i realized.. what the fuck was i doing? i decided to go and eat some ice cream in this cold weather instead. there's nothing better than just doing this right here. I AM BORED and somehow i haven't got around to doing my homework and studying for my upcoming test this wednesday. what the fuck am i doing here? i should be ironing my work close, shaving my half a beard and just making good with my time.
but yo.. masturbation saved my life. yesterday i only masturbated once and that was while i was in bed.. oversleeping, tired as can be when i was supposed to be up and ready for school @ 4 in the afternoon. i had to get up before i took an aftersnooze. word up. BORED basically, i had a nightmare about what happened if i slacked off with my homework and my studying. it was a bad dream. a really bad dream. so bad that i hope to never dream that dream again because any dream that repeats itself is really a nightmare. but anyways.. last night really wasn't that good. it rained. some bullshit happened which i don't wanna talk about because i don't know who goes on here. i'm paranoid about my real life interacting with my net life. i keep the two separate but yo.. see my beef with whoever was that they straight up played me out. like yo.. here i am giving them my time.. my time, i didn't have to do this shit and they throw this shit @ me. and worse off, they did it in a very disrespectful way. i know i said it in the last post but yo.. they got at me like yo.. dude, this is what i'm doing right here. you gotta be on board. and here i am in this place, i'm already having my suspicions about the person hosting this shit and here you go on some mental shit telling me about this. now what really made me go hold the fuck up was the way dude was talking to me. dude was talking to me on some psycho shit. he was going off nonstop about this shit. also the way he was looking at me when he was talking about this shit. they all making all sorts of faces, can't even laugh, i'm joking with them trying to see if they had another side to them besides that whole "wide eyed, blah blah blah, seriousness" attitude they had going on but dude was just wilding out like he had something wrong with him. i'm like you're either on drugs or you're mental. that's for real.. i'm dead serious. this is not somebody i wanna chill with. like damn fam.. they kept on giving examples of why i should join the club and this and that. talking about this is a lifetime right here. you could be out of a job and all this shit. i thought dude had lost his mind. all this manipulating and strongarming me into this shit. naw, man. i felt like dude had a blatant disrespect for me. i'm more than that, fam. don't run up to me on that shit like i'm an idiot. all using me for their fucking product. that just shows me what dude's about. they better not start following me around now.
but after that, i picked up my homeboy, we chilled out for awhile... and i went home. you know.. but after that whole thing with the person all conning me into their fucking program and shit.. that bothered me yo so i had to sleep it off, had no class on today so i decided to go out with my moms, and as i said before.. at the top about my day.
BUT right now, hyperness died the fuck down and i'm back to being tired as fuck right now. TIRED AS FUCK. now... keep it trillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. 11111111
funny how ALL of the xxl freshman 10 rappers of 2009 is a big fail
trill talk... they all are worse than the last. trill talk, i've heard wale's album=horrible. i've heard kid cudi's album=horrible. i've heard charles hamilton's album=that was bad too BUT not as bad as wale's and kid cudi's albums. charles hamilton has the audacity to try to sing with his horrible voice. he has a WHINY ass voice when he sings. but nonetheless, his shit never dropped and for good reason. nobodies trying to hear him cry about how bad his life is and let me say this though.. the PROBLEM with these emo rappers like cudi and charles hamilton is that they don't do that pain in my life shit right. they do it in a way which makes you not want to listen to them. they completely throw out the HIP HOP element of what they do and turn it into some scooby doo shit. like homie.. be you. from a mile away, it's NOT hard to see when somebody is trying too hard to be somebody they're not. we all know that charles hamilton doesn't love pink like that nor does he do this outside the box shit because that's who he is. he's just doing it as a gimmick. same thing with kid cudi. lupe fiasco is another fraud. see... i laugh because these people are trying to play two sides of the coin. motherfuckers respect genuine shit.
for real.. when i made my blog entries about me being depressed, i meant that shit. when i make blog entries about wanting to hurt a motherfucker, i meant that shit. these motherfuckers is putting on a show and they doing some bullshit trying to be slick with it. i don't respect lupe fiasco off the strength of him talking about he digged a tribe called quest BUT then he doesn't know the lyrics to that shit. like i said, FRAUDS. kid cudi trying to rock over ghost shit and then try to out do ghost on his own shit and FAILING is not what's up. like i said... kid cudi be on some other shit but that's because it's trendy. i DOUBT dude would be like this IF it were 1996. he'd be in a gangsta rap group with lupe fiasco.
and then you got somebody like asher roth who to me sounds JUST like eminem and really.. i don't know what to say. dude is missing something, maybe something inspired or something to rap about. it's like dude just raps just to rap. he has NOTHING to talk about. see.. you get to see WHO really has talent from who doesn't when motherfuckers don't know WHAT to rap about and gotta rap about random shit. like dude... nobody wants to hear about blunt cruising. hell... motherfucker rap about something.
LMAO @ mickey facts is wack as fuck... never heard him rap.
and why do these marks all respect these half assed rappers because they drink and smoke weed? really.. you respect them over that shit? really fam... that's stupid as fuck.
if there's ONE thing i don't like and please take note people on this shit, DO NOT FORCE THINGS ON PEOPLE. there's a way to promote something. if you're asking somebody for their time for something that's really not important THEN please respect that. you know... i'm just saying though because some people just think their motives are higher than everybody elses and they don't respect that.
you know... somebody was promoting to me something of theirs and they overdid it. i'm saying as in they overdid the whole convincing. you know.. i thought that it was fucked up actually. the way they did it was with just some coldness. like this is what i want to do, join this right here.. and basically all this is for themselves. you know... it was MORE of convincing me to do something against my own choice. i wasn't feeling that at all. if that's what it's about, i can't get down with that. if you want somebody to be on your side, somebody to be your friend, you just don't do that shit. you know.. get to know me, fam. the way they was going about it was like they didn't give a fuck about me only what they wanted to do. you ain't marlo stanfield so chill with that shit. to me, that isn't leadership. that's just scaring people off.
cold to make your skin CHILL.... feel like mr. freeze and shit.
aiyo.. it's cold as fuck inside my place yo. i'm tired as hell too. i'm trying to search for something to talk about. last time i just dropped a fucking sentence because there was nada on my mind. aiyo.. i think i'll reach for something other than lotion and my dick and shit.
alright, being sensitive. not what i really wanna talk about BUT fuck it, i'm a sensitive dude. i will catch feelings at something said that i think is a shot at me. even a joke, i'm not the type of dude that likes being the subject of a joke. you know, that's the reason why when i walk pass motherfuckers and i hear hehehehehehehe.. i start to focus my attention on what the fuck is being said whether it's about me or on something else. there's a reason why i'm like that though. some people say it's low self esteem, other people say it's being self concious and whatever the fuck else. i don't know.. to me, it's just me making sure people aren't talking shit about me right to my face or right in front of me.
back in middle school, i don't know how this happened but you know... this is going to be hard for me to talk about and i know some dickhead is going to comment on this shit in the comments with some shit to piss me off. just letting you know ahead of time that you can eat a dick if you gonna hate and talk shit. but anyways, as a 5th grader.. being that i went to a broke ass private school which to me was one of the biggest mistakes my parents have done. these motherfuckers didn't have lockers. we had desk which had this small storage place where you can put all your books and shit. see the thing is that knowing how motherfuckers in school was, they would go into your desk and steal shit. our periods consisted of 8 classes a damn day. you HAD to bring your books to all your classes or you'd get penalized. these people were on some bullshit though. they think they were disciplining you by yelling at you and shit like that. every little thing you did wrong, they'd get hopping mad. to me, that's a form of abuse. like don't take out your anger and frustration on kids and shit. to me, that's some slavemaster shit.. cracking the whip and making sure you fuck up somebody with it. they were on some bullshit but anyways... when it came time to go home.. me being very cautious about the people around me because even though i was cool, i guess, with my classmates and shit and they showed me love i guess although we weren't friends and shit. i was like.. "hell no" let me take all my shit home. i was one of those "carry everything in your desk in your bookbag when you go home" ass motherfuckers. that was stupid. the result of that would be me with a fucking hunchback. now these days, i avoid that shit like hell and leave it alone. the bag actually has affected my walk for the rest of my life.. WELL, this hasn't been proven BUT to me, i feel that it has. so out of the 5th grade into the 6th grade. i'm doing my hunchwalk and my teacher sees this shit and so does the class. the class really doesn't give a fuck or at least i thought they didn't but the teacher does so she's all like "look at his walk, stop walking like that pazzy. she put me on blast in front of the whole classroom". i was trying to LAUGH it off but i was hurt. i was like yo.. "you couldn't pull me aside and tell me that shit". instead, she told the whole class that shit and everybody laughed at me. actually to be honest with you... i had got into a car accident in the summer and i had to go to the chiropractor to fix a little damage that was done because my hip (from the car accident) and my lower back (this could have been before the accident due to me overpacking my bookbag but let's just say the accident had to do with it). so what do you know... i'm going to the chiropractor after school to get myself stretched the fuck out and having my affected joints put back in place. so i'm doing the same bullshit and what do you know, i'm still getting clowned for my walk by the teacher and soon the students. my teacher would be like "people are going to think you're retarded and shit". and pretty soon, what little respect i had among my class vanished around that time. everybody looked at me like there was something wrong with me due to the walk and me being all withdrawn and laid back and skinny as a motherfucker. around that time i was going through some shit. maybe it had to deal with entering puberty BUT honestly yo.. that environment that i was in was making me worse and to this day, i wish i could go back in time and do myself justice and go to public school. my bro and me would have been better off. i could care less what would have happened. if the kids kicked my ass, fine. if i became a bad ass, fine BUT i feel the school i went to fucked me up in more ways than one. it affected my learning habits and the funny thing was.. i was doing well from the 1st to the first semester of the 4th grade yo. then when it went to the second semester, everything fell apart. the school librarian and the school gym teacher were RIGHT. they raped us of an education and of being kids. you know... i didn't have the same social upbringing like a lot of kids that went to public school did where they're in a class of 100 kids for their grade. my grade was about 14 students and let's say 6 of them are cousins and about 11 of them are of the same ethnicity. you know.. they all cliqueing up with each other, talking to themselves only about shit in THEIR language leaving you all out. they all know each other outside of school and shit, they all got a social network outside WHILE me on the other hand, i was alone, my social skills in the classroom was bad and i only had my then so called "friends" on my block that were fucked up as well. you know...
so flash forward to high school, my first two years were bad. and what did you know, i was getting clowned for my walk which i tried to twirk a little bit so i can have people get off my case and at the same time give me attention BUT.. at that time, i was just trying to be me and get the things i've been deprived of in middle school. some friends, some love, some popularity, RESPECT.. but all i got was the opposite. i had more people scared of me than respecting me. they all thought i had something wrong with me and once again, all the issues i had as well as me really being MAD about bullshit and about the wrong that happened to me letting it so people know that they shouldn't fuck with me and they better respect me. well, that didn't happen. i got myself in a bigger hole than i was in before. when my high school years came to an end, i felt more better BUT see i got some issues with high school though although it was better than middle school. it was HELL.
but yo.. my experience in middle school, jr high and high school made me concious about those around me as well as myself. it got really bad. when people would ask me why i would do this, i was doing that, i just would look in the mirror @ myself to make sure i wasn't making any faces and the whole nine. you know... that's where i think my whole obsessive compulsive thing started coming into place. it all started with me flipping a coin and this was around the 6th grade. like i said, middle school really fucked me up. you know... i'm looking at the clock thinking that my life was going to get better when i was going through hell. you know... everything to get the fuck out of this shit i was feeling.
so NOW i'm left a person trying to recover from all this bullshit. i feel that i've been traumatized in a sense where i'm pretty much altered. you know, all these experiences with people just fucked me up. it has made me an angry, bitter, mean, hateful paranoid individual. and this is the thing, when i sat in the therapist office some months ago all airing my feelings out, all saying this, that and more... what the FUCK did i get out of it? NOTHING. i was literally crying out for some fucking way to ease the thoughts and memories and feelings that i had and was going through and i got NOTHING but "take these pills, they'll relieve your day". talking about behavioral therapy and drugs.. i'm like yo.. there's NO form of way i'm airing my shit out without getting rid of this shit and putting it behind me. you know.. all that time wasted when i could have been focusing on school, you know, i'm STILL mad about that shit. and then you wonder why somebody who's like me ends up shooting schools, gyms, and shit like that. the same psychologists people, therapist people, the motherfuckers that are the therapists in good will hunting where will hunting is all expressing his feelings and airs himself out until he's crying like a bitch DOESN'T exists. i know it's hollywood and shit BUT you know... really though, if you're job is to HELP people and shit, HELP them.
you know.. what it all boils down to is that people can be fucked up and when they get to you early, your life will be screwed the fuck up. you'll think that the world is against you EVEN when its not. to me, my mindstate is permanent. i'm @ the point of no return. the reason why i'm NOT cho or the columbine shooters or george sodini is because i chose not to be and on top of that, there's something in me that keeps myself away from that kind of shit. i know that the potential to become that type of people lingers and one day, could come about and pull me and whoever is in my way UNDER. it's that while i'm holding myself back, i'm looking at the higher road of shit. i've gotten far along my way to NOT quit yet. the day that i QUIT is the day a shitload of motherfuckers are in trouble. you know, it scares me that the same people that i'm dapping and are cool with are the same people that i feel that i could very well be mad as fuck and want dead tomorrow. you know.. i'm like if they step on my toes because i've had so many people who i THOUGHT were my peoples and i thought they were cool and let me go about and do my thing turn their backs on me and fuck me up, and they're like hehehehehehe.. making me the subject of their jokes and shit, then i'm hating them like hell wishing death on them and fantasizing about murdering them and shit like that.
you know... i just hope that i don't end up going on that road though. you know.. i HOPE that i don't end up in george sodini or that virginia tech shooters shoes where i explode and do something that will ruin motherfuckers lives as well as those alive as well. you know because the older i get, the more these things don't go away. they just replay and the more people i know, the MORE people i have to hold my breath because i don't know if i trust them enough or if they're out to get me.
the typical motherfucker that reads this shit will think i'm CRAZY but hey.. i think some motherfuckers are crazy too but my question is.. what has happened to them to make them do the shit they do? to me, shit has happened to me to bring me to this right here.
yo... i had a crazy ass dream last night.. what the fuck yo.
it all started with some detective bullshit in some city.. i don't know BUT all i know is that detectives were on my ass for real. they didn't say what the fuck they were looking for from me at first but eventually, i found out that they were after my dick basically. they were like.. "pazzy, we're going to help your ass get pussy once and for all". i'm dead serious yo. these detectives were investigating for a way to get some girl fuck me. so they take me to some fucking office which had mad doors and was a long stretch of hallway. eventually, i go into this one fucking door. i seen a vending machine and shit like that. then i see the same two detectives talking about.. yo.. "we're going to look for some space upstairs for you". i'm like huh... "we're looking for a girl for you to fuck with." after about 2 minutes, they were like "naw, there's no girl for you at the moment or tonight. sorry" then i went upstairs and shit because there was some stairs right by the vending machine. so anyways, i go upthere. yo... it was a fucking brothel. no bullshit, it was a brothel. i seen this one tall ho with titties, i tried to hug her and stuff my face in those but the bitch walked away from me. i was like fuck you, then, bitch. then it gets worse, the walls were pink, there was like fucking leather and fucking tiger, cat carpeting and shit. every single room contained some dude and some ho fucking. i was like what the fuck???? out of nowhere, my dad, my bro, and one of my homeboys was there too. i was tempted to go ahead and buy me a prostitute. i was like HELL NAW.. then my homeboy came around and asked me like.. "yo.. why you scared to buy a ho for?" i'm like yo.. i was like you seen this place. you seen the type of hos and dudes in here fucking? i'm like dayum fam.. this shit is dirty as fuck. i'm not trying to get herpes and shit. dude was all hesitating himself anyway. my dad had let us know that it was time to get the fuck out of here and i was still contemplating on whether i should have fucked a ho in this whorehouse or what.
i'm about to look this shit up in dream dictionary because i never had a dream like that before. funny thing is the tv was on when i woke up but it was on msnbc. i was watching a little hbo true blood last night.. they're replaying the first season.
i masturbated and took a shit before work for the win.. YES..
its halloween today. who gives a fuck really? its fucked up when you go to party city and you see more grown folks then kids just looking around and shit. oh man.. i had a SERIOUS problem with parking up in that joint. it was so bad.. people were parking right next to the street. motherfuckers can't park for shit yo. all just to buy fucking costumes for halloween and shit. what's the big fucking deal? just ONE day in the year and ya motherfuckers going crazy over that shit. and you know what.. i gotta say why i was there too. the reason why i was there was for my older brother. he wanted me to get something for him. i tried to but they didn't have his size. they had extra large only. but yo... my brother, i'm upset with him over this shit, seems to buy into this bullshit too. like really, this shit isn't important. like for real.. there's nothing wrong with trick treating BUT for real.. don't go out your way for this bullshit. it's not like christmas. just get your thing and do whatever. motherfuckers really caring about these holidays then their priorities. get your shit straight.
dudes about to go to some grown ass clown party in a bad neighborhood. i'm like dude... do you REALLY have to go out your way for this shit just because you want to go party on halloween? come on, brah. it's NOT that serious. for real... get your shit straight man. i hope he changes his mind and stays home instead. that would be better for him. it seems like the more older he gets, the more lost he becomes. i feel sorry for his ass, actually. reminds me just like my dad and shit. dude needs to fix his act and shit.
as i type this trying to pay attention to what the fuck i'm doing cause my dad talking about some bullshit i don't care about.
i swear i'm not in the mood to be distracted from doing this shit so i had to bump this joint.
here's my HEADLINE for tonight.
SLEEP IS IMPORTANT.
for somebody like me who stays up throughout the night. sleep is no motherfucking joke. it's one of the MOST important things in life. if you can't sleep, you're SCREWED yo. i don't take anything to keep me hyper than i already am especially when i'm at home. i jump on the damn floor and when i'm in bed, on my mattress, when i'm listening to this music. i drink mad water too when i'm in my bed ready to fall asleep.
as a kid, don't know why i had a HARD time falling asleep as a kid. i was that hyper. i would try to sleep on my back. try to sleep on my stomach. did a whole lot of adjusting, tossing and turning in my bed just to get some fucking sleep. i would spend hours trying to fall the fuck asleep at around 5, 6, 7 years old and upward. funny thing now is.. now these days, it doesn't take me much to fall asleep. i used to not dream so much back then. but i do now. my dreams are turning out to be more interesting than my life.
but back to what i'm saying. it's NO fun falling asleep in class, nodding off because you're that tired. being tired as fuck at work. being tired as fuck on the road. waking up late as fuck because you chose to sleep at 5 IN THE MORNING is no fun at all. it's pretty dangerous. that's why sleep is IMPORTANT. as a kid, i used to FIGHT sleep. fight that shit as if it was a war. i would try to keep myself awake like let's say it's a friday night going into a saturday. i used to stay awake the whole friday night into saturday morning and then do whatever i had to do. i'm talking about me being 10 years old. my bro on the other hand would try to do the same thing as me BUT then he woke back to his senses and fell the fuck asleep. see.. as a kid, i did a lot of stupid shit. that was one of them. that and deciding to take one too many flintstones children vitamins and what you call it, that pink medication that would smack the sickness out of me. for real.. i was doing fiendish behavior back then. hell.. even the lego in my throat stunt which ended up with the doctors having to put a fucking tube down my nose and into my stomach while i was awake. let me stop going off the subject because i don't wanna remember that shit. that was uncomfortable as FUCK.
but now, looking at myself. looking at my eyes because they're droppy as fuck. people used to think i was a crackhead or smoking tons of weed because of the way my eyes looked yo. they would be either half shut or really red from lack of sleep. now.. it's 11:40. i was trying to get some studying in while i'm home and shit. i'm semi busy but you know what.. i'ma be bumping joints like the shit i posted at the top when i'm in bed and some coldplay there, some trammell starks there, and some other shit. oh well.. 1
Before her 21-year-old daughter died in a sledding accident in early 2007, Pam Weiss had never logged on to Facebook. Back then, social-networking sites were used almost exclusively by the young. But she knew her daughter Amy Woolington, a UCLA student, had an account, so in her grief Weiss turned to Facebook to look for photos. She found what she was looking for and more. She was soon communicating with her daughter's many friends, sharing memories and even piecing together, through posts her daughter had written, a blueprint of things she had hoped to do. "It makes me feel good that Amy had a positive effect on so many people, and I wouldn't have had a clue if it hadn't been for Facebook," says Weiss.
matter of fact, just in case my ass passes away unexpectedly and i don't get a chance to come back to this shit. i'ma leave my fucking username and password to my big bro or whoever i know so they can drop the news or take over this shit. you know.. it would be interesting for somebody else to talk about my life from another viewpoint because looking from the outskirts of somebody elses life from actually being the person to live that life is two completely different things.
but it's alright though. i'm gonna win. the question is win what really?? herpes, my death wish, pussy, a million dollars, a spot on the fbi ten top most wanted list? WHAT will i win? i'll find out and i'll let you know what the fuck it is.
oh mayne... whenever i'm having a boring time @ school, failblog saves my life.
i was trying so hard NOT to LOL in the lab. it was TOO MUCH yo. i'ma put this shit on my zune.
once again, pazzy's angrified ass is actually chilling right now. i'm mad PISSED off right now. no surprise, motherfucker. like i give a fuck what you think, fucking mark. alright... now, i'm bored and really i'm thinking about what the fuck i should do right now. find a new hobby, study, go to bed @ 6:51 in the evening. we're about to enter november and then december and then a __________ new year. the new year is ONLY happy when between 11:59 and 59 seconds and 12:00 0 seconds on the clock. motherfuckers is like.. oh shit.. i lived out the WHOLE 200_ whatever the fucking year it was. fuckers holding up their agua or their cookies or their liquor going like "yeah.. happy new year." well, happy new year my ass. alright, you wanna know how i feel about that shit. FUCK THE NEW YEAR and FUCK THE OLD YEAR TOO. these years mean nothing to me because they go by and they become memories.. well at least the moments or the events become memory. i don't remember all them years or what i exactly did BUT all i know is that i survived all those years to write this shit right now and that's that. honestly, i wouldn't say i live for the future because i've done that before and yo... i was in for a disappointment. a SERIOUS one, dude. when i woke up in the morning and i realized that i was 23 years old, sleeping on the same mattress i had since i was 10.. feeling cold as fuck, realizing that i had like an hour to get ready for school and i hadn't washed yet, realizing that i wacked off and went back to sleep so i'm trying to keep myself awake.. i jump up out of bed and what do you know.... i'm ME again. the same ordeal, day in, day out. you know... my bro was talking to me about how he cockblocked himself from getting a damn number. he was all upsetified and shit. i'm like okay, dude. there's plenty of bitches around better than her. that's the thing with woman.. maybe cause i've never been touched and shit, i don't know.. but what i'm saying is.. back then, when i was feeling one chick, i was like.. dayum, i wanna fuck this chick, i wanna wake up with this chick, i wanna be a long term relationship with this.. i'm talking about when i was younger, like let's say 10 to 16, 17. then i realized that what the fuck.. i realized that all the bullshit i was doing, putting all this emphasis on getting girls and getting laid and shit. i began to realize that i was really training myself to go on the road to nowhere if i was lusting after one chick, hoping that she doesn't have a man and all, thinking about her, gaming on her, getting all obsessed and shit WHEN there's chicks that look better than her and were basically better than her. i'm like damn.. i don't beat my dick to the same chick. how could i do that? after awhile, you see her naked, you see her in her pose that's turning you on and after awhile, it gets boring. you start to think about her in other positions, doing shit that's not shown in the picture, she's doing deepthroating, basically you're imagination takes over because you're bored as fuck with the chick. so i'm like okay.. seriously, even though personally, to myself, i realized that it's really not a good idea because you have to have a lot of time on your hands and you might get screwed in the end of it al, i think i'd do better off having multiple jumpoffs or even one jumpoffs, friends with benefits or whatever you call it, then to say be in a relationship. you know, in a relationship, now i'm speaking from a standpoint because i've NEVER been in one. you have to maintain that shit all the fucking time. see, my homeboys that's been in that shit dedicated their times, hours and days to maintain a relationship with a chick. now, really what the fuck is the point? it's STUPID yo. we're young as hell and shit. i'd rather have one night stands, hope that she doesn't get pregnant or i don't get anything from her even with the condom on then be putting my all into something that will eventually die. you know.. what's the use? you're going to listen to what she has to say, you're pretty much going to do the same things.. you'll go to x, y, z and only x, y, z. you'll be waking up with her, you'll be all "in love" and yo.. i'm like what the fuck. do you really want to be into that shit? and to make it worse, some girls. matter of fact, fuck some.. most or almost all girls will NOT take a dude for the way he is. bet you a dude tell a chick to change up and then they say he's abusive and shit. but some girls will not take a dude for what he is. if a dude wanna dress up as a bum and shit, they'll be like "you gotta wear this to get some of this". what the fuck yo? they'll have you rocking pink, have you going to the nail salon with them to get your toes and nails done and your fucking eyebrows waxed, they'll have you eating sushi, you'll watch ballerina plays and plays you damn sure would not be seeing if she wasn't in your life. you know.. it's basically a one sided relationship for the most part. she's pulling the strings on you and telling you to run, duck, hide, jump their that ring of fire because "you're in love".
you see.. that's why i'm like LOVE.. really. there's different type of love BUT the love i'm talking about is relationships, sex and shit like that. some people say it feels GOOD and whatever but really though. i'm not for that slavery shit. she better just give me the pussy and call it a day. if we cool after that, that's cool. if we not, then later. you know.. but that's how i look at it. when it's time for me to have kids, then i'll figure out how that will work. you know.. to stay with a woman for the rest of your life.. my grandparents did it. nowadays, a lot of motherfuckers in my generation and the generation after me kids grandparents which are like motherfuckers mothers and fathers right now will NOT know their grandparents. why? because of the divorce rate. you know.. my grandparents are still married. you know.. now that i realized it, a lot of motherfuckers only know their grandmothers because their grandfathers are either dead or they walked out of the picture. makes you think BUT regardless, i don't wanna be a deadbeat father and on top of that, i want to be a.. i don't know how to say this "a good husband". you know.. i don't want to be like a father and shit. my father didn't show us a good example to go by. controlling your wife, wanting to know about her whereabouts, what's she doing, what she's reading, and shit like that and then telling your sons that "your wife must respect you" as in, "she can't live her life and has to be a slave" is NOT good. in fact, that's one of the reasons why i could never be really cool with my dad. i'm cool with him up to a point. you know.. then i fall back away from him because he's not a trustworthy dude or somebody who is really on my side because he truly cares. that's NOT him. he's out for himself. dude will one minute act like your best friend, talk to you about something that you're actually interested in or have something to say about when he's picking you up from work and then the next hour, he's ready to pick a fight with you over some bullshit or he's coming up to you for money talking about he needs 10 dollars or 5 dollars for nothing important. it's like dude doesn't give a fuck about himself. it's like how do you look up to somebody like that. see... it's fucked up to say shit like that BUT when somebody proves you right over and over again, what the fuck else is there to say? for real, i don't go around and say "that's not my father" whenever i get mad at his ass when he does some bullshit BUT let it be something in which he's the one that's wrong and ready to start a fight.. "you can't say the word damn around the house. you must respect your parents". i remember when this dude fucking threw me on the couch on some bullshit because i said the word damn at 16. now who the fuck does that yo? for real... who does that kind of shit to their son except somebody acting like a dickhead trying to be "manipulative"? like dayum a 16 year old. i wasn't doing anything wrong other than saying the word DAMN and getting mad.. his ass fucking grabs me by my small ass wrists and throws me against the couch.. i'll never forget NOR will i forgive his ass for that shit either because for real, it's one thing when you're doing it to prove a point or i'm getting way out of line BUT dude.. i'm on the computer, i just say the word damn and your bitch ass is ready to fucking trip because you want to be mr. "i'm in control on you and your life". for real.. i guess he thought that he was doing the right thing when he did that shit too when he did that because in his mind, "he could never do anything wrong". who him? he done my mom wrong so many times and he doesn't give a fuck. his whole attitude is who cares. so really, should i really get close to somebody like that who seems to have a SERIOUS mental problem and shit? to me, personally, i think he's a sociopath because he doesn't seem to be out for anybody but himself. he cut ties off from his immediate family, dude cut ties with his mother and even in her dying days, when she begged for his ass to come and see him, he didn't do it and left her alone. he says that she didn't raise him and shit BUT dude that's your biological mother fam. you couldn't cop a plane ticket to go and see her. and even if you didn't wanna do it, you couldn't done that for your sons. but to hell with her and then, it's all about you. that's why i don't fuck with him like that. dude literally thinks about himself and thinks its all about him. if he's doing something, he has a motive. let's say he'll give you a ride just so he knows that you're SAFE and where you're at rather than let you do what you gotta do and trust you.
see.. i'm angry with my father for that reason. i don't hate him BUT dude is one of those people that will take advantage of you when you're down. he'll bleed your assets, he'll drive your car around without giving a fuck and when he puts gas in the tank, he thinks he's doing you a favor. it's like dude... when you gonna keep it real with yourself AND stop with the bullshit fam. see... i'm a dude that LOOKS at people and sees if they're keeping it real or not. if you aren't keeping it real or i feel you aren't really doing what you're doing for the right reasons, then i'll call you out on it or i'll just back the fuck away from you. that's why i was the way i was on sohh because everybody there seemed to be doing a whole lot of bullshit, putting up a show FOR bullshit ass reasons NOT because the site was full of crazy motherfuckers with no lives, all snooping into peoples personal lives, having their addresses, their kids faces thinking they're doing the right thing. SMH.. really. okay, crazy ass motherfuckers. i don't respect that. like dude, you talking about you getting mad bitches and shit for real, putting down people that ain't doing what you doing BUT yet you on the web looking for friends and bitches. FUCKING LAMES. but anyways... keep it real to yourself. that's a key rule. even if it's the things in life that you WISH to forget because it's either fucked up or unforgiving or brutal or just basically fucked up, don't forget it. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SHIT and then put that in the back of your mind. you know.. do that. when you lie to yourself, lie to other people and you REALLY don't have a real reason behind lying such as.. you might get in some serious shit if you tell the truth about an accident you did and the situation is being treated like it was an intentional thing. DO LIE. if you have to sell drugs for a living and you have no choice because you have NOTHING to eat and shit, you don't even have a job and you're in front of the cops asking what do you have in your pocket and you can skate away if you lie RIGHT and you're this close to getting away. DO LIE. but see... there's a catch here. if you gonna lie, make sure you LYING for the RIGHT reasons and not sure your LIE doesn't get other people fucked up or something that will eventually come up as the truth and is something SERIOUS. you know.. and don't make it a habit. make telling the truth a habit. make lying a last option situation. you know... that's how you do it.
and now that i think about it.. if i ever come back on sohh, i don't wanna just be posting. i wanna run into these fuckers straight up in person because on some real shit, personally, i got a serious beef with some folks that tried to violate. you know what i'm saying. i don't know who done it BUT there's a bunch of people on that site on my personal shit list. actually.. i'll just put it like this. on sohh, somebody said something they wasn't supposed to say about me, make that TWO people said something they shouldn't have said about me and obviously, whoever it was must have ran into me BUT not made it known because they would have said that shit right to my face instead of acting like a bitch and running around saying on a chatline what's really good. FUCK YOU, FAM. if death don't get them first, i'll catch up to you. let me find it so and so wants to start playing funny. i will approach them on some serious shit like "yo.. what's really good?" and a motherfucker better NOT say the wrong shit either. YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO TOO. DON'T ACT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT FUCKER. IF YOU COME LOOKING FOR PROBLEMS, YOU WILL GET PROBLEMS. I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YOU MOTHERFUCKER. TAKE THIS PERSONAL ON A SERIOUS NOTE. FUCKERS WANNA BE FUNNY UNTIL IT STARTS GETTING SERIOUS. THEN THEY ASKING FOR TRUCES AND SHIT. it's not over. I KNOW YOU READING THIS SHIT TOO.
and i THINK whoever did some faggot ass messages is prolly who i'm talking about. like i said, i'll see you again and you better watch your back. i'm dead serious. the motherfucker prolly dodging me and shit because he knows that i'm dead serious about this.
my stomach is killing me like a motherfucker... more bullshit.
once again. trill talk, i'm tired as fuck. that's why i'm about to head to bed and shit. you know, its like i'm getting hit with mad unexpected twists and turns. i don't like that shit. that just pisses me off and aggravates me and shit. trill talk, one thing i DON'T like is being stressed the fuck out. that annoys me to no fucking end yo. really annoys me to no fucking end. funny thing i seem to deal with stress the same way i did 10 fucking years ago. i dig into my ears, taking out ear wax that's NOT there and rubbing my nappy ass hair almost like i'm scratching my head but i'm not.. i HATE when i get like that. that's just me unleashing my annoia on myself for real. trill talk.. i hope my professor approves of my proposal because i'm looking for sources and most of that shit is fucking taken up. like what the fuck yo. what the flying fuck fam? i'm tired of catching headaches from school. fuck that yo. that's one annoying that i wish fucking stop. and i better make this school shit pay off too.
for real, too many goddamn annoying stuff in my background. my household is annoying, my school is annoying, where i live is annoying, and etc.. for real.. i don't appreciate having to walk all that fucking distance, i don't appreciate not giving myself enough time to sleep, i don't appreciate doing injustice to myself, i don't appreciate not having enough time in the day.. i swear my life is annoying yo. shit... FUCK THIS SHIT, FAM...
the same shit, different fucking day and YES INDEED I AM ANNOYED AT THAT SHIT. ANNOYED. i need to take one of those trips to the woods again because i don't feel like being bothered with my life as we know it.
